i am sorry but this night
reminded me of
every other time i've had to
feel this way
every other time i wasn't
that important
every other time i was just
held for convenience, just held
to keep someone else warm
i am sorry but this night
reminded me of
that sickening feeling i got
just before disowning my father
i am sorry but when i
smelled the scent of something
familiar that i wish
i didn't know, i became distant;
i can't promise it wasn't you
or the way the words were
sandwiched in your paragraph
but i can promise you that
a wall came up,
a wall i've learned to surpress
but not kill
i'm sorry i didn't mean
to suddenly become so
cold and far away,
but that's the only way
i've learned how to prevent
the hurt, how to prevent
attachment from destroying me,
it's saddening how we
can't just let go,
it's saddening how trust
has been stained
i'm sorry, but this night
reminded me of
every other time i've
cursed my own words,
every other time i wished
i didn't immortalize anyone
down to the tiniest details
i'm sorry, but this night
made me sit on my carpet,
listening to songs you led me to,
wondering if all along
i've read too deep in
between the lines as i always do,
wondering if i trusted too well
and hoped too much,
wondering if i was enough
for only a few moments,
wondering if, after the battle
i still mattered, then i wondered why that mattered to me
and why i almost cried
after saying goodnight,
wondering if i've wrecked it all,
wondering how my
wisdom teeth hurt less than
all of this.
- if i'm being brutally honest with you
- crimsyy
