Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
⏺Title (Rate: 4)
Your title isn't that catchy but it'll make you stop for a moment and think that there's something in it. After reading your story, I think your title makes sense after all.
⏺Book Cover (Rate: 3)
For me, hindi masyadong appealing 'yong cover. Yes parallel sa title and nandoon 'yong hinahanap kong vibe but its too simple. Sorry for this but if I were the reader, magdadalawang isip akong kung babasahin ko ito. But hey! I know you can improve this one.
⏺Plot and Theme (Rate: 3)
Blurb
Not too long and also not very convincing enough for me to read the story. There's lacking on that part yet I can't figure out up until now. I'm not telling you to revise your blurb but I'm voicing out my reaction as a reader.
Prologue
You don't have one.
There are things that I'd like to share with what I've observed while reading the story.
• Switching of POVs and Redundancy of Information- nakakahilo at nagkakaroon ng redundancy sa info. Halimbawa, nasalaysay na ni Renz ang nangyari tapos kapag POV na ni Huimy ganoon lang din ang laman. I suggest na mas maiging hindi masyadong magpalit ng POVs every chapter para nandoon 'yong thrill.
Halimbawa ng redundancy case ay sa chapter 15, 'yong contents nung sulat ni Huimy
• First Person POV- since ito ang gamit mo, mga characters mo ang nagna-narrate ng kwento. Pero nakukulangan ako sa narration nila, anong nangyayari sa paligid nila? Anong reaksyon ng mga tao sa paligid nila? We also want to know this kind of details. Kumbaga ang characters mo ang magiging mata, tainga, ilong, panlasa ng mga readers para maka-connect kami sa story mo.
• Lack of Emotion- 'yong mga scenes na dapat ay nakakaiyak at heartbreaking ay hindi ko maramdaman. Sorry pero hindi ako nadala at hindi ko maramdaman. May kulang sa pagdescribe ng emotions, yes nandoon 'yong pag-iyak pero dagdagan mo pa.
Halimbawa, sa Chapter 17 umamin si Huimy through text then nireject siya ni Renz through changing the topic tapos biglang parang wala lang kay Huimy? Ang hirap kayang mag-gather ng courage para umamin. Then sa chapter 18 biglang nag-jump ng limang taon? I thought being rejected is a heartbreaking scene pero sa case ni Huimy ay parang wala lang 'yon sa kan'ya which is very unlikely.
Isa pang halimbawa ay 'yong pag-iyak ni Huimy sa t'wing may heartbreaking na nangyayari. 'Di ko maramdaman swear. 'Yong mga lines na "patuloy na umaagos ang luha ko" make it more metaphorical like "tila may bumabara sa dibdib ko habang patuloy ako sa paghikbi". Mas nakakadala kasi ng emosyon kapag ganoon ang pagdescribe sa pangyayari kumpara sa plain na pagkakahayag.
• Imagery- actually, all throughout walang masyadong malinaw na scenes sa utak ko. What I mean by that is hindi siya tumatatak. Siguro 'yong mga scenes lang na tumatak talaga ay 'yong sa nagkita si Renz at anak niya. I'm expecting something here pero na-disappoint ako. 'Yong thought kasi na malalaman ni Renz na may anak siya ni Huimy ay thrilling talaga kaya't napakapit pa ako sa story mo pero later on nadismaya ako kasi after nilang mag-reconcile pinasok na agad 'yong scene na nagkita silang mag-ama? Kumbaga medyo nawala 'yong thrill kasi nagkita agad sila. I don't wanna disturb the flow of your story but I'm just stating this as my reaction. Actually, nagsimulang magkaroon ng clear picture 'yong scenes and madami na talagang nabuo sa imagination ko sa part ng story na ito.
•Putting a face on the name- karamihan sa characters (supporting o extra) ay walang nabuong itsura sa imagination ko. You only described them as best friend, love of their life. Hindi ko ma-picture out ang itsura ni Trisha maging ni Sir Francis, yes nasabing pogi pero paanong pogi? What makes him 'pogi'? Anong face structure? Ilan lamang iyan sa mga nakaligtaang i-describe ng character mo. Yes may mga characters na nababanggit pero puro names lang ang nare-retain sa utak ko, walang mukha. Pangalawang halimbawa, si Shane nabanggit siya as pinsan ni Renz yet hindi ko maimagine 'yong mukha niya same goes with every supporting characters. Play with words, don't limit yourself, describe them through Huimy and Renz as long as you can because they are the readers' eyes, nose and ears to connect with your story.
⏺Grammars, Punctuations and Structure (Rate: 4)
•Rin/Din- typical mistake and can be revised.
•Kailangan not Kelangan
• On Chapter 32, I think 'girlfriend' shouldn't be the label for Monique. Since nabanggit sa chapter na 'to na may marriage proposal nang naganap, siguro 'fiancëe' na ang dapat na label Kay Monique. Not a big issue but sometimes it can cause confusions.
⏺ Settings/Characters (Rate: 3)
Settings
There's no clarifications on some scenes.
For example, this scene wasn't clearly stated
•Nagkita sila sa building kung saan nagttrabaho so Huimy? Na lugar din kung saan ang "site" na tinutukoy ni Renz?
•Actually may scene sa malapit sa ending na ang confusing for me. Noong confrontation ni Monique and Huimy kung sino ang magle-let go kay Renz. Noong una galit na galit si Monique and then a few words from Huimy, biglang binibigay na ni Monique si Renz kay Huimy? Like what? Basta itong part na ito ay super confusing, revise this part.
Characters
Huimy- I really don't know how to describe her character. Mayroon siyang stubborn side na ikinatuwa at ikinainis ko at the same time. Hindi 'yon nawala after many years. Nakakainis sa part na nandiyan na nga si Renz yet pinagtatabuyan niya pa rin. Ilang beses nang nasaktan yet nagmamahal pa rin, I salute her.
Renz- Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako rito or maaawa sa kaduwagan niya. Allergic talaga ako sa mga torpe na katulad ni Renz haha so I think naging effective 'tong character na ito.
Amanda and Daryl- Itong characters na ito ang nagpagulo sa utak ko. Nagugulat na lang ako na may mangyayaring importante sa main characters na involved sila. Halimbawa, biglang ikinasal si Huimy kay Daryl na hindi naman namin kilala. All this time ang kilala lang namin na may love interest Kay Huimy ay si Renz and his friend doon sa Bicol. Wala kaming alam na may Daryl pala na nage-exist. Sana kung may isisingit na characters na may importanteng role ay mas magandang abisuhan ang readers sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakilala sa kanila sa previous chapters para may idea ang mambabasa. Give us an idea or a character background para aware kami kung saan tutungo ang character nila. I think mas okay kung ganoon ang gagawin mo sa revisions since they played an important role sa desisyon ng main characters which also affects the flow of your story.
⏺Tips and Message
First of all, I'm really sorry for the delay hahaha. Lahat naman yata ng tips ay nasabi ko na, don't take my criticism personally. Sorry po if may harsh words akong nasabi. I just only want to help and say what I think that needs to be improved/revised. Nabasa ko 'yong revised chaper one, I think it's much better than before. Keep revising lang po though it really takes time. I was also shocked when I read that the story was based from your life. I enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing it with me!
📌If may violent reaction ka don't hesitate to comment down. 📌 Kindly vote on this part.
