You Belong With Me- SnowBert

Before I Fall

Julian's POV

I keep watching the door way that Caitlin had left through. I still couldn't not believe that she had just upped and left like that. She really must be hurting because that was completely unlike her. I sigh and walk back to where Caitlin had left her mug and blanket. I picked them up and walked up the room Cisco was waiting. I grimaced at the unpleasant conversation which awaited me. I pause for a few moments outside the doorway really not wanting to go in. I hear Cisco doing well ,something Cisco related.

"Yo, Barry!" 

"Yeah?"

"I think I have something, that could solve all of our problems."

"What is it?"

"This"

I can hear the excitement in Cisco's voice followed immediately by a groan from Barry.

"Cisco, that's a VHS tape of the Princess Bride,  how did- how did you even find that. You know what don't answer that."

"Yeah movie night baby!"

I decide this would be a good time to walk in, they're probably not going to feel like watching anything after they learn about Caitlin.

"Hey guys."

They both turn and look me. Concern flickers across Cisco's face as his eyes land on the blanket and mug I am still holding.

"Where's Caitlin?" 

Cisco's concern has grown as the meaning of what I am holding registers.

"Well, Caitlin has-, She wanted me to." 

There is really no easy way to say this by now even Barry looks worried at both Cisco's by now very worried face and my inability to answer.

"She's gone isn't she."

Barry almost spits the words out. Like he had been expecting it. I swallow before answering.

"Yes, yes Caitlin is gone."

I set the mug and blanket down a little harder than necessary, and turn back to Barry and Cisco who haven't moved. Barry's face is full of pity  for her, whereas Cisco looks like he's been doused by an ice cold bucket of water. The silence grows as none of us are sure of what to say. I venture a thought that just came to mind.

"Look, I know what she is dealing with. Exactly what, actually. I did some awful things as Dr. Alchemy and just like Caitlin I can't even remember all that I did. All I know is that it was bad and I hurt innocent people."

 I pause and look down at my shoes, I take a deep breath to steady myself before continuing. 

"The thing is, at night I can still here the screams, I even dream about the faces I have no recollection of killing. She is going through the same thing, she's scared she is going to keep hurting people. I mean look at me. Killer Frost just tried to kill me again. Now Caitlin has no control over Frost's actions but she was angry enough at me to turn into her."

My voice trails away as the meaning of my words sink in. Of course, she was angry. She only ever turns when she is angry or scared. This time, it was my fault. I had promised her a cure awhile ago and I never gave it to her because though it was finished, the side effects out weight the cure, so I kept it hidden.

I sit down in Cisco's chair ignoring the annoyed glance he shoots at me. I put my hand in hands not able to keep speaking. I hear someone walk up and sit down next me.

"Julian, look at me."

I slowly look up into Barry's face. This time the pity that he wears is for me.