T H I R T Y
1 day later.
A L E X A
2:21 am
It was a terrible night. I waited all day for Carl and rick to return yesterday and they didn't. It was now over a day later and it was late late at night.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think good thoughts. I couldn't stop tears from escaping my eyes.
My back relaxed against Maggie's headboard. I was at the hilltop because I was just too scared to go back home.
I'm too weak. I can't be a leader to my people if I can't even lead myself.
I can't help people to live if I don't have the motivation to live myself.
But of course, they had people watching me, checking on me, making sure I'm not taking that route.
My head was filled with things I wish I could've said to Carl and rick before they died. Things I wish I did. Things I could've stopped from happening.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to Carl or rick.
It tore me apart. My heart no longer felt normal. My heart was broken down way beyond repair.
Now it just felt as if there was a permanent dagger in what's left of my heart and that constant pain isn't going to go away.
Carl was really all I had left. All of my family is gone and the one person I really only had left is dead, too.
It was hard for me to even believe that both dad and Carl were really dead, but I knew the truth.
Tears slid down my cheeks quickly as I stared at the wall. My knees were bent and my elbows rested on them.
I was being very quiet, only sniffing from time to time, but I wanted to scream.
I wanted to tear the walls down and shoot everything that gets in my way.
I wanted to die.
My breathing was cut short and sharp. I was nearly hyperventilating.
The moment where I saw Carl and rick get swarmed replayed in my head over and over again.
Over and over and over and over. My mind wanted me dead. My mind was in a dark place and I couldn't control anything in it.
'You failed them, Alexa. First it was your mom, then your dad, and now Carl. You were supposed to keep them safe. You failed.' A voice spoke in my head.
I was losing my fucking mind.
"I tried." I said out-loud.
'They hate you. You're all alone now. What can you do? They aren't coming back!l. You let them down and now you can't even lead your people! You stupid fuck-up. It should be you.'
"Stop it." My tears fell faster and harder.
'Look at you. Pathetic. It's all your fault. All of it. They're dead because of you.'
"No. No no." I shook my head, covering my ears. I was going insane. I couldn't live without the people I loved the most. All of them were gone.
"Why are you still breathing? Do it. You don't deserve to be on this world.'
"I said stop it!" I gritted my teeth.
'Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. It's all your fault. All your fault, all your fault, all your fault. Do it, do it, do it, do it! Do it! Do it!"
