Praying to the Moon

Chapter One- The Moon

I believe the moon holds the answer to everything. Looking up at the moon makes everything so clear and so simple. Some nights it makes everything seem so small and so irrelevant. I mean, we are so small, comparatively to the universe. Our relationship problems mean shit all to the universe, as does our work and family problems.  Yet the moon is also comforting and understanding. You tell her your problems and you know they are safe. She guards our wishes and dreams whenever we wish upon a shooting star. She appears in the silence of the night when everything is tranquil and the daytime still dances with our mind. Whenever I see the moon I think of the endless possibilities of human kind and our existence. What else is out there? How did we get here? How did the moon get there? The moon is my only true friend.

Tonight is another night I have had to visit the moon. My deck overlooks a million trees that part to form a clear view of the night sky. I lie down with a blanket and look up in complete awe and silence. The cicadas form background noise that is so comforting that I eventually drown it out with my own thoughts. I'm in that state of mind again when I'm my own worst enemy. But it's okay because I deserve it, I chose to have all of this happen to me.
Some days I reassure myself that I haven't done anything, I am not guilty. Some days I tell myself I'm a strong woman who doesn't need a man like him, other days my loneliness gets the best of me.

My thoughts are interrupted by a sudden drizzle of rain. The rain is so light I try to ignore it and carry on with my favourite form of therapy. I hide further under the blanket so only my eyes and the top of my head are exposed to the weather. I stare up at the moon until I realise how minute my existence is. There's so much pressure on us everyday to be original and to leave a legacy that sometimes it's nice to remember how irrelevant we really are. The moon doesn't care about your achievements, the moon doesn't care if you're famous or if you're rich or successful. The rain clouds form a shadow around the moon and stars, creating a dull grey with a patch of light shining through. I take this as my cue to go back inside and go back to bed, after all it was 3am.

A bright light streams across my face as I wake up to the suns warm glare. In the middle of a hot summer, direct sunlight in a closed room brings little comfort. My head pounds as I recount the past few days as I quickly wake up. The moment of calamity when you wake up is the only source of relief I have had in a while. You know, the first few seconds when your brain is waking up and trying to work out where and who you are? At the moment, that's my favourite part of the day.

I turn my phone on and watch as the logo appears. I can't help but notice how quiet the house is. When I lived away from home, my room mate Sienna always filled the flat with noise. I suppose this area is sleepy, no young people really voluntarily live here. That's why I went to the city to study, I was told Oaksville University was the best school to get a degree in Psychology. I wanted to be a psychologist, and while it took a long time, I knew the end result would be worth it. Plus having an interest in my own mental health and those around me, kept me interested in my degree. I wonder what my psychology professor would say about my behaviour. What must have happened in my life to make me get to this point? I'm sure we will find out in due time.

My home screen appears and before my wifi has a chance to load my phone starts buzzing with several missed calls. My heart sinks, I know exactly who it will be.
I feel sick to my stomach as his name comes across my screen. I love him but I don't want him calling me anymore, it's wrong. I lock my screen and glance out the window next to my bed. The trees move slightly in the distance as a light breeze rolls through. I just can't believe my life is turning out this way, I feel like someone's having a laugh at me.

A new txt causes my phone to vibrate next to my leg. I glance at the screen, I know exactly who it will be.
"Lily, can we please talk? This is all so crazy and I don't think either of us intended on this being the ending. I love you, you. You're the one, you'll always be the one."
The name James screams out at me through the phone screen. A name which once gave me butterflies now makes my stomach turn. I can't believe he won't leave me alone, does he not realise how much I need my life back? I need things to make sense again and I need to regain my moral compass because I'm simply not myself without it.

I slowly get out of bed and pull my t shirt back down over my knees. I'm a messy sleeper and as a result my shirt has ridden up towards my ribs. I catch a glance of my reflection in the mirror as I leave my bedroom, of course the shirt I'm wearing is the one James gave me the last time I stayed the night at his place. Only back then it was much simpler times, just him and I against the world, not this mess we are in now. I feel like I'm going crazy, it all seems like a far fetched nightmare.

I suppose you're wondering how this all happened and why I'm in the state I'm in now. It all started two years ago when I finished high school and moved to the city. I was a bright eyed kid who believed college would be just like it was on TV. I thought college would be life changing and I suppose I was right- not for positive reasons though.

I had just started college and was easing into a brand new world. I knew nobody and moved into the halls of the school. It was there that I met Sienna, we became close very quickly and as a result decided to move into a private flat together the following year. My first year of college consisted of attending classes and aiming for As. It wasn't always easy and I didn't always succeed in that goal. The second year of my college experience I met James and all of my focus disappeared. I can't believe I was dumb enough to let a boy change my future visions and myself in the process. At the time though, James was Prince Charming. He was in his final year of law school and had classes close to mine. We would watch each other as we waited to go inside our lecture room. Being the introvert I am, I hadn't made many friends yet and spent a lot of my time waiting by myself in the corridor as cliques formed around me. Being alone made me a great observer. I observed everyone around me and would guess what they were thinking about. It wasn't long before I noticed James and how he would stare at me with a slight smile. His eyes would shine in the fluorescent lights and the almond brown surrounding his pupils would exaggerate the eyelashes decorating his eyes. My heart would race whenever I noticed him standing there.

It wouldn't be until a few months later that James would finally decide to approach me.
"Hey, sorry this is really random but you look familiar? Do I know you from somewhere else?"
My hands began to shake as I tried to understand what he was asking me. His voice was smooth and confident, I felt like he had used this line before.
"Um I'm not sure, I don't think so."
I smiled slightly as I finished my sentence, making direct eye contact with him. I waited for him to break the gaze but he didn't and I suddenly began to feel at ease.
"Ah my bad. I see you waiting here a few times a week, what do you study?"
"I study Psychology. How about you, what do you study?"
He leaned against the wall, anyone would think he was talking to an old friend by how comfortable his body language was.
"Oh that's cool! I'm just a boring law student, in my final year actually. Not long before I enter the real world of responsibilities."
The laugh as he said responsibilities sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. I was simultaneously anxious and intrigued, I wasn't sure which would get the better of me first.
"Oh my class is going in, here's my number. Txt me if you feel like it."
Suddenly and not for the last time, James was gone.