Praying to the Moon

Chapter Five- The Smashing Glass

Nothing was ever the same after that rumour began. James and I continued to love each other but James always maintained a distance. His open walls had been replaced by concrete barriers that crushed me whenever I tried to enter. He guarded his soul and I stopped hearing about his hopes and dreams. He always reassured me though, that nothing was different and he still loved me as much as he used to. I wanted to believe him and I pretended that I did, but deep down I always knew that the end would be near.

I'd spend my nights watching the stars. It reminded me of the beginning when I was surrounded by love and I didn't question my value based on his opinion. The moon and I shared a common feature, we were no longer whole but a crescent of our former selves. How had I let my life become dominated by James' presence and happiness? Sienna and I were still close but I had replaced her with James in many respects. I could tell Sienna resented me for it but she would never admit it. My life couldn't get any worse, surely.

I was getting used to my own company, something which I had been actively avoiding. I missed James though, I was seeing him on average, once a week for about an hour. He began to feel like a classmate, someone who I would see briefly every now and then. I would walk around in the clothes he left here, they still smelt like him and my skin would absorb his scent so I smelt like him too. I was tired of guessing when things would be okay again and if he still wanted me. I decided it was time for a talk to sort everything out for good. No more games or second guessing. I asked James to meet me at my place this afternoon, I had no idea if the outcome would be good or bad.

"I know you say everything is good, but it's not really, is it?"
James lied down on the bed next to me, eyes still glued to his phone.
"Yeah everything is fine babe! I'm sorry I've just been so busy with uni. It'll all be normal again in a few weeks when I'm done."
He glanced away from his phone for a second to kiss me on the cheek.
"Promise me, James, that it will be. Promise you still love me."
"Don't be crazy, you know I do. You're my whole world. I'm just trying to sort everything out, I'm sorry."
I heard what James was saying and I tried to reassure myself that he meant it. But the insincerity was lost by the intrusion of his phone.
"I don't want to lose you. I love you and I just want everything to be normal again. But if it's not going to be then I don't want to waste my time then."
James let out a little sigh, as if I had been talking about this for too long.
"Lil, I promise you it will be normal again. I'm trying my hardest with everything, I'm so busy. Please just be patient, you won't lose me."

I felt defeated in a sense, like I wasn't allowed to discuss anything further. Looking back, I should have continued to pry further. I guess whenever we look back at anything we see all the red flags we missed at the time. James was a hard person to not believe, he said all the right things and left little room for questions. Everything changed slowly with him as well. I was always two steps behind his changing mood. He would either be madly in love with me or he would appear bored with me. I always felt confused about where our relationship stood and what I wanted. If I thought our relationship was ending, he would convince me otherwise. Admittedly, I was easy to convince. I loved him and wanted our relationship to work more than anything. So when he told me we were okay and that I won't lose him, I'd believe him.

The rest of the day mostly consisted of James scrolling through his social media feeds and me reading up on homework. The conversation was empty and the room felt cold. I longed to feel the warmth between us again and I was determined to get it back. I'd wait these few weeks until James had graduated and everything would fall into place.

Eventually James decided to go home to study. The day had been less productive than I anticipated. I thought we would have sorted everything out since we were together the whole day. Instead we were lucky if we said twelve words to each other. After James left I felt emotionally and physically drained. I decided I deserved to treat myself to a nap for the rest of the afternoon. The house was nice and quiet as Sienna had gone out with her new group of friends.

As I drifted off to sleep I pictured happier moments in my life. At home with my family, excited with anticipation about starting college. I didn't feel isolated and I didn't feel dependent on others for my own happiness. I had my childhood best friends living down the road who always made time for me when I needed it. Being an adult wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Turns out it can be a bit of a lonely experience. I think I would get tickets to fly home and visit my family in the next few weeks, I deserved a break.

My thoughts went silent and my breathing grew deeper, I finally managed to fall asleep.

"SMASH."

"What the fuck?!"
The sound of smashing glass woke me up from my deep sleep. I felt disoriented and scared. Was I still home alone or had Sienna dropped a plate or something. I listened for any other movement or noise but the house was eerily silent. I grabbed my phone from my side table next to me and typed in the emergency number. I walked slowly towards the kitchen. My heart was beating a million miles per second. I felt dizzy as anxiety rushed over my entire body.

"Sienna, are you home?"
My voice was as shaky as my hands, adrenaline was beginning to kick in. I waited several seconds for a response but it never came. I knew I was home alone and I was too scared what awaited me in the kitchen, I decided to call the police.
"Police, what's your emergency?"
"Uh my names Lily, I think someone's broken into my flat. I'm home alone and really scared, could you please send someone quickly."
"Okay Lily, what's the address."
I stumbled over the numbers of my address, continuously watching every direction around me. I expected someone to jump out with a knife at any second.
"Right I've sent a car to your address. Could you please give me more details about what's happening so that I can make sure the responders are informed and ready."
"I was sleeping and I heard a mighty bang and glass smashing. I haven't heard anything since but I'm too scared to go into the kitchen where I think it was in case somebody is there."
"Alright that's fine Lily. Stay where you are until the police get there."

The dispatcher stayed on the phone with me until the police arrived. I thanked her and hung up the phone. I ran to the front door to open it for the police before anyone inside the house could hurt me or stop me.
"Hiya, we've had a call from this address about a possible break in or intruder?"
Two policemen stood at the other side of the door, one male and one female.
"Yes, please come in. I've been too scared to check out what caused the smashing sound. It came from in there."
I pointed to the kitchen and the two policemen walked in front of me, hands on their batons.
"Police! Is anyone in here?"
The room remained silent and still.
"If anyone is in here come out right now!"

The officers continued to walk towards a pile of smashed glass underneath my kitchen window. A brown object lied in the centre of the glass. I could tell from where I was standing that it was a brick. The male officer picked up the brick while the female officer continued to scan the kitchen room. She searched under the table and in the cupboards, making sure that we were alone.
"I suspect someone has thrown this through the window and driven off. There's a note attached."
I couldn't work out who would throw a brick through our window? Sienna got along with everyone and I didn't have any enemies.
"Lily-You are being watched. Do the right thing."
The words echoed the sentences of the girls in my class who started the rumour about James. Would they really take it this far? Who else had they told that story to?
"Okay Lily, we might get a team to come down and just take a look at this. It's a threat and vandalism all in one so better to be safe than sorry. Are you able to come down to the station for a bit to help us with our inquiry? Your safety is our number one priority at the moment."
"Yeah sure, right now?"
"Yes."

I got in the police car and went to the station to answer several questions about what was happening. I couldn't believe how serious this situation had gotten, especially over a rumour. Clearly the police felt like I was in danger and were ensuring steps were taken to keep me safe. I needed to let James know, he could be at risk too.

I composed a text to James while I waited to record my statement.
"Babe someone threw a brick through my kitchen window while I was sleeping. Called the police and they found a note attached to it. The note said I was being watched. I am now at the police station making a statement. They said they are worried for my safety. Can you please come down here when you get this. I think they would like to talk to you too."