A Player's Game

Chapter 14: More Than Words

"No. No I don't like people like that, that's not my thing, mom you know that" I sobbed looking at a blurry silhouette of my mother.

"I know you don't do that dear, but you can't choose who your heart beats for, honey" she tucked a piece of my hair behind my ears. "Tell him how you feel, I've seen that boy around you, he doesn't stop smiling. If I knew anything about teenage boys, which I don't, I'd say he really likes you, like really likes you" she tried to make me feel better, but it wasn't helping... at all.

"Mom, he doesn't like me, I mean he likes me, but not like that. Logan's the type of guy who only has horizontal relationships, if you know what I mean" I ran my fingers under my eyes wiping away my tears. "You know... I think I'm just going to, um, go upstairs and play some music, do some homework, maybe try to get my mind off things" I added, crying some more.

"Sure honey" she brought me in for another hug. "I'll be in the kitchen cooking, if you need anything, just let me know... okay?" I broke the hug and nodded in response.

I headed upstairs and into my bedroom and dropped my book bag on the floor. I ran over and jumped on my bed sobbing into my pillow. The only person that somehow made me feel better when I felt as shitty as this was Logan and I couldn't exactly go crying to Logan about why I was upset this time. I knew it was better for me mentally to stop talking to him all together and let him go. But at the same time I can't let him go if he's the only thing making me happy. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone the most, he was there for me, and to end the friendship we have, or I guess had, scares me. Maybe what my mom said was right, maybe I do have feelings for him.

I rolled over on my back and put my earbuds in my ears. I turned up the volume on my phone so my ears would hurt, maybe because I was trying to feel something other than what I felt for Logan.

"Stella, please, I messed up bad, I know that. Talk to me" he pleaded over a text message, but I didn't answer. I wanted to be like we used to again, but I'm not sure I was ready just yet. I decided my time would be better put to use if I started doing my homework. I walked over to my book bag and brought out some books and then unplugged my earbuds from my phone so I could listen to music on my record player. I just let myself listen to some sad songs because that's all I could relate to.

~

I've been sitting on my bed for about an hour and a half doing math and only have one question done. I closed my books and laid down on my back while my phone started to ring beside me. I grabbed my phone and held it in front of my face to see who it was. Logan. I swiped the green button across the screen to answer his call and held the phone next to my ear. I didn't know what I was going to say, I just needed to hear his voice.

"Stella..." he sounded upset. "Stella?" I still didn't answer, I just wanted him to keep talking. "I can hear you breathing, I know you're there" a tear slid down my face at his words. "Okay, fine, you don't need to say anything, you just need to listen. I don't have anyone who really is there for me, or even cares about me, and you became that person. I make a lot of mistakes Stella, and this was a big one, but I need you to forgive me for this. I was stupid, I know that, I fucked up, I sure as hell know that, and I know that I can't lose you. You have become the most important person in my life and... I need you Jones" I cried at his apology. I was such a mess without him. "Just say something so I know you're okay, please Jones" he sounded like he was on the verge of crying.

"I need some time" I stated quietly and hung up the phone. I threw my phone on the floor and wiped my tears with my hands.

After all this time thinking I'd never let myself get like this over a boy, here I am. I remember how I used to feel with Nate and it never felt like this. I always needed Nate to compliment me or say nice things to me cause he never acted like he liked me at all so I always needed him to say something to me because he never showed any affection towards me. He never acted like he cared and I always needed more than his words. But with Logan... he always knows the right things to say or do. I always thought I was in love with Nate, but maybe I needed someone to help me move on and show me I wasn't in love with him at all. I was in love with the idea of him.