*I still remember the day I passed you in the street for the first time, and the way you smiled at me. I wanted to run after you and ask for your name and number... but I didn't want to look like a creep.*
—
Josh pats me on the back for support as I pause the video.
"You don't have to watch it now, bro." He says, as I take a deep breath.
"I don't think it matters when I watch it. She's gone... that's always going to hurt."
Josh and Ini remain quiet as I press play again.
_
* Then I saw you the very next day, but this time you stopped me, and you asked me for my name and number. You were smiling like an idiot... a cute idiot, if I do say so myself. It was drawing me in more and more, and I can remember wanting to kiss you right then and there, but I knew it wasn't appropriate. I don't know if I ever told you this, as you walked away, my smile grew and I was met with an unfamiliar fuzzy feeling, I now realise could have been love at first sight. If you believe in those kinda things.*
_
I pause it yet again and wipe away a tear that is quickly followed by many more.
"I want her back." I sob. "She didn't deserve to go like this. She had so much more life ahead of her but she broke. I just didn't notice because I'm dumb, and stupid, and really fxcking stupid."
"It's not your fault, Jayden." Josh says, kneeling beside me.
"Yes it is." I whisper. "The love of my life ended her own life and I wasn't here to stop her. I should have been."
"Jay, we all know there is nothing you or anyone else could have done." Ini says.
I take a deep breath in attempt to calm down.
"Dude, you were living your dream, she 100% supported that, all the way until the end. She absolutely adored you, but she was suffering with herself, and unfortunately she took an ultimate step."
I basically ignore Ini's words. "Dude, shut up, I need to keep watching." My breath then hitches at the sound of her voice.
_
*I never used to believe in love at first sight, but you, Jayden Seeley, proved me dead wrong.*
-
I pause the video again, not looking around to face my friends.
"You don't have to stay." I whisper.
"There is no way I'm leaving you alone tonight, Jayden." Josh says, not even almost stuttering.
"I'll be fine." I say, sniffling, holding back tears.
"No." Josh says sternly. "You're grieving and I don't want you doing anything irrational."
I sigh and nod, focusing on my laptop screen, looking at her eyes for pressing play again.
-
*We met again a week later and it was by far one of the best outings of my life. We had an instant connection and I couldn't help but find humour in your clumsiness and silly jokes. Although we had only properly met up once, it was so hard to be apart from you. I wanted to stay with you and see your smile forever. But luckily, one outing turned into another, and then many more and late night texting turned into forever long conversations over the phone that would usually only end when one of us fell asleep or we noticed the sunlight slightly creeping through our curtains. We continuously met up and began to get remarkably close, but then the day came, and you had to leave for your tour in America. That meant I wasn't going to be able to see you in person for a while, and time zones were constantly getting in the way.*
_
"Ah, I should have seen it then. But no, I thought everything was fine. Then when I came back I was only here for a couple of months before I jetted off to Europe without her." I hung my head in shame, tears falling harder than before.
"Jayden, I know you're grieving, but I need to realise that none of this was actually your fault, you made her so happy, she was in denial of her pain and didn't let anyone support her." Josh says.
I sigh.
"Do you want to go to bed and watch the rest in the morning?"
"No," I choke. "I need to finish this part, and then I'll go to bed. Like I said, don't feel obligated to stay."
Josh sighs. "No, I'm not going anywhere and neither is Ini. You mean everything to us and the last thing we want is for you to feel like you have to do this alone."
My lip quivers and a warm tear falls down my face. "I just want her back. She was the love of my life and I just want to hold her. Just like I did before."
I press play again, letting it play, no matter how hard it was to hear.
_
*When you left we both lost our smiles. I could tell that you were desperately trying to stay strong for me and all your amazing fans, but it didn't take a scientist to work out that you were really hurting. I don't know about you but I was going absolutely crazy without you, so that's why I had to fly out to surprise you in New York. We weren't even properly together at that stage but I just knew you were the one for me.*
_
I paused the video to process what has been said, and I just knew that shit was about to get a whole lot sadder. I can't believe that there are 12 more parts to this. I then press play for the final time tonight.
-
*Then, unfortunately it came time for me to leave again, and we both lost our smiles once more, this time just hurt more because this time we weren't just saying goodbye as best friends, but instead lovers. However, luckily for me, you came home not too long after. But then after 5 months of bliss, you left again. I was so happy that you were headlining Europe, but with everything going on, I did begin to break. Jayden, I just need you to know that none of this is your fault. You gave me the world, and I'm forever grateful, I love you so much, this has been part one of my goodbye.*
_
I shut my laptop, wiping away my millionth tear.
"But I don't want to say goodbye."
_____
Jeez, this was hard. I lowkey feel like I'm about to cry.
I started writing this last year and it was originally a Luke Rockets story but I knew I couldn't write about him but I liked the story so I changed it.
This was inspired by the title of 13 reasons why, and what speculation I heard about it upon its first release in australia. However, I don't believe this is based on the show, particularly as I have never watched a single episode of it.
Much love, Jay. Xx
