*When I first met you, you wanted to be 'Mr Macho' - the guy who was strong enough to lift the heaviest weight or endure the hardest of tasks. I'm not sure as to why that was, I guess it's just a guy thing, but you were. While yes, it was hot, I saw right through it, and it painted me the picture of the scared little boy who was trying to hard to be strong, as if it were the only way you could be something.
One of the best times of our relationship, or even maybe my life, was when you finally took that mask off and were your true self, as strong and full of worth as you have always been. When I look at you, Jayden, I see strength. Emotional strength that not everyone possesses and it is absolutely beautiful. *
_
I sit at my desk, grasping my cup of tea tightly at the handle with one hand, and resting the other hand on the mouse pad next to my computer. I look into (Y/N)'s eyes, and maybe it's now that I know the truth, but I can see the hurt and exhaustion in them.
I place my cup of tea on my desk after I take a sip, so that the hot liquid doesn't spill on me as my hand shakes. I then press play again.
_
*I know you would probably deny it Jayden, but you were one of the strongest people I ever had the chance to know, and fall in love with. I need you to promise me that you stay strong once I'm gone. I know it will be hard, but you cannot lose yourself the way I did.*
_
I take a deep, shaky, breath as I let her words sink in.
"Lost yourself?" I mutter, almost sounding sarcastic or like I'm asking myself what she meant. I know what she meant but I don't want to admit it. It's easier to pretend like this was foreign.
_
*Your strength was what held us together when things got tough. Lord knows I'm weak, but I didn't need to be strong because I had you. You. My saviour.*
_
"Your saviour?" I exclaim. "I'm not your fucking saviour. I'm a fucking failure."
Without thinking I throw my arm across the desk, and my cup of tea spills onto the ground.
"Shit." I whisper, under my breath and I can barely think about what to do.
"You okay?" Josh asks, knocking on the door. "I heard a smash."
"Yeah, I'm fine." I stay, standing dead still. "I-I just spilled my tea."
"You sure you're okay?"
I nod.
"How about, you go outside and get some air, an I'll clean this up?" Josh suggests.
"Yeah, um, that would be great." I say before stepping over the tea and rushing out the door.
_____
*I wish I knew how you did it: how you stayed so strong with everything your life threw at you. You are the strongest, kindest, bravest, unstoppable person I have ever had the joy of loving. I hate knowing how much what I'm about to do is going to hurt you, but I need you to stay strong.*
-
"HURT?" I exclaim loudly. "HURT?" I run my hand through my hair. "This doesn't just hurt, it kills! How am I supposed to stay strong?"
My chest is met with the familiar burning heaviness and the same warm tears that have been falling down my face for the past hour are still going - I am almost used to the feeling.
"You okay?" Josh asks, knocking on the door. He must have heard me yelling. "Well I know you're not 'okay', but is there anything I can do for you right now?"
I shake my head and he asks if I'm sure, but I give no response and he walks away.
_
*I was not made for this world, but you have such a magnificent life ahead of you and Jayden Seeley, I need you to promise me that you will live your life to the fullest. I need you to be happy, I need you to follow your dreams and I need you to love, as deeply as you love me. I'm sorry that this has to be goodbye.*
____________
Hey guys,
I hope this isn't too bad. I love you all so much and appreciate you taking time to read this book.
Much love XX
