TW: I know this book has talked a lot about depression/suicide, but this chapter goes a lot further into it so please be weary when reading.
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*I've been asking myself this for about a week. How were you ever so patient with me? Not just when I took a long time to get ready, but when I would hide and not tell you why I was upset for ages. Or when we'd make plans and I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. Why didn't you leave? How did you not get completely fed up with me?*
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I pause the video and clench my fist tight, exhaling. I'm not angry at her necessarily, but I can't seem to help but feel some type of rage. She keeps telling me I was more than enough but it all kind of just feels like a lie now.
My thoughts are disrupted by a knock at my bedroom door. It had to be Josh, no one else was here.
"I'm heading out." He says. "Gina and I are gonna catch a movie and get some dinner. Will you be okay?"
"Yeah." I say, acting calm. "Some real alone time will probably do me some good."
"Alright cool." Josh replies, adjusting his jacket. "Just don't be afraid to call if you need anything or anything happens. I should probably be back at around one tomorrow."
I nod, taking a sip of my water. Josh waves goodbye and I wave back.
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*You gave yourself up so that I could be your number one and I am so, so, grateful. When I would fall, you would never try and rush me back up, and when my mind was elsewhere, you never got angry. Not many people can do that. You're a special one.*
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"Special?" I whisper to myself. This doesn't make sense to me anymore. "If I were so special, why did you leave me here alone, without the one person who made me who I am?"
I take a deep breath, and wipe my eyes. I can't do this right now. It all just hurts to much. I decide to go the fridge and find something to eat. I'm not all that hungry, but I guess it's something to do.
I open the fridge and my eyes are instantly drawn to the carton of beers that I bought a week ago and still haven't touched.
"I guess one won't hurt." I say to myself, as I take one.
I was wrong.
By now it was 11pm and I had almost finished the entire carton of beer. I stumbled towards the bathroom, needing to desperately relieve myself. Once I was done, I stood at the sink to wash my hands. My breath got caught in my throat as I looked down.
Her toothbrush.
Her makeup.
Her bobby pins.
Painful reminders of her.
I can't take this. I need to be with her.
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The disgusting silence is disturbed by the sound of the front door opening and closing. I am sat on the kitchen floor and I don't have the strength to move anything except my eyes. I notice Josh's figure standing at the doorway.
"Oh Jayden." He says quietly, realising what I've done. He approaches my slowly. "What did you take?"
"I had some beer." I mumble. "And then some of (Y/N)'s medication... and then some panadol."
Josh pulls out his phone to call an ambulance.
"No Josh, don't." I beg.
"Why shouldn't I?" He says.
"I'm fine now." I say, putting my hand to my head that is now pounding.
"Fine?"
"I threw most of it up. I'm fine now."
"What if some is still in your system?" Josh asks.
"I'm fine, I promise."
Josh sighs. "I'm not going to call an ambulance but you're sleeping out here tonight so I can watch you."
"I'm not a baby, Josh" I argue.
"Look, I'm not in the mood to have this conversation. Give me your hand."
I give Josh my hand and he helps me to my feet. It takes all I have to not throw up on him but I manage not to. He leads me to the couch.
"Wait." I cough. "What happened to staying with Gina?"
"You weren't answering your phone and I got worried, so she told me to come check on you. Luckily I did."
"I'm sorry." I yawn, before falling into a deep sleep.
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I hope y'all don't think this is too bad.
