I lay awake yet again, wishing (Y/N) was beside me like she used to always be. the bed feels empty and cold, and I wish I would just fall asleep but I can't. My mind travels to my laptop. I almost feel as though I can hear her calling my name from inside it, but I know I'm just delirious as the sound goes away in a blink. I try and fight the urge to watch another part, but I need to hear her voice.
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*Part 5 - that's scary. This part was harder than the others have been. You see, I'm talking about my love for your honesty when over these last few months, I haven't been entirely honest with you and I'm so, so, sorry.*
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I'm not even two minutes in before I have to press pause. I can feel the familiar rage build up inside of me. Why couldn't she have been honest with me? Why couldn't she tell me what was going on? Was it me? Did I something to make her feel as though she couldn't tell me? I take a deep breath, running my hand through my hair, tugging lightly, before I press play again.
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*Over the span of our relationship, there was one thing I admired the most about you. That was your honesty. So many of my past relationships, being romantic or not, have been so built on lies that meeting your felt like a breath of fresh air, in a foreign country, on another planet. It was intoxicating. I remember the first time you stayed at my place, and how awkward you felt being away from home, and sharing a bed with me, being as we had only just started going out. I know so many people that would have made up an excuse to go home or avoid talking about it, but you came clean straight away, even though it was really nothing to feel weird about. That made the relationship feel real, human, honest. *
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"Real?" I exclaim. "If it were so real, why wasn't it enough?" I stand up and begin to pace around the room. I don't know what to do. I'm almost crying with anger. I know I shouldn't be angry at her, but I can't help but woner why I wasn't enough for her. Why couldn't I help her? Take care of her.
I pause when I hear a knock at my door. It's Josh.
"Sorry. Did I wake you?" I ask, pretty sure of what the answer's going to be.
"No." he sighs, surprising me. "I couldn't sleep again."
"Oh."
"Then I heard you and i thought I'd come and make sure you're okay."
I nod, sitting down on my bed.
"I started watching another part," I say. "I felt like I had to - like she was calling out to me, but it just made me so angry."
"Angry?" Josh questions.
"Throughout this whole thing, she's talking about how much she loved me. If she loved me so much, why did she leave me like this? Why wasn't I good enough?"
Josh comes over and sits next to me.
"It's not your fault." He whispers. "it's no one's fault."
_
*I also remember the time a girl tried to make a move on you at a show. I mean, who can blame her, you're basically a God sent from the heavens. So many people would have hidden that from their girlfriends, and I understand how it would be easy to, but you amazed me when you told me. I couldn't be mad, not with you. I knew I could trust you.*
_
"You're a God sent from the heavens now are you?" Josh chuckle, trying to loighten the mood.
I don't reply, instead take a deep, steady breath.
_
*I never truly felt like I could be honest with a lot of people. i had been lied, to had my honesty taken advantage of, and my trust had been broken too many times to count but you, Jayden Seeley, helped me see a new light. One I didn't know I needed. I could try and thank you a million times and I still don't think that would even come close to being enough. Even in my darkest hours, you were an honest light at the end of every tunnel...*
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"I don't think I can do this." I say, pressing pause.
"Do what?" Josh says, confused.
"This. These videos. I just feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart a thousand times. She keeps saying that I meant everything to her and that I was enough. But then why wasn't I enough this time. I thought she loved me like I loved her." Hot tears are falling from my eyes, and my lungs are burning.
Josh holds me close, but I can sense him shaking too.
"She did love you," he says. "More than she could ever say in a bunch of five minute long videos, but there was nothing anyone can do. She was ill, mentally, no one could save her from herself."
I wipe my eyes and nod as Josh speaks.
"There isn't long left. Let's just finish it." He says.
_
*But, I guess I'm at a dead end this time, and I can no longer turn around. This is part of my goodbye.*
_
"But I don't want to say goodbye."
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Hey so I still have two days until school goes back because of student free days and public holidays so hopefully, I may get one more chapter up!
Much love, xx
