I sighed deeply as I opened up my laptop. (Y/N)'s funeral was in three days and I still needed to watch the rest of the videos, and I hadn't even started to write something to say.
What would I say?
'(Y/N), she was my girlfriend and loved her... but she killed herself and even though she made a whole bunch of videos saying it wasn't my fault, who else's fault could it have been?'
That's not something you say at a funeral.
I plugged in my headphones before pressing on the next part. This one was titled 'friendship'. It felt like a slap in the face when her face appeared on the screen but she looked so beautiful that I couldn't look away.
*Although we were quick to blossom an amazing relationship, not only are you my lover but my very best friend in the entire world. I could tell you anything and everything and I knew that you would listen and be there to support me...*
"If you could tell me everything, why couldn't you tell me about this?" A tear crept down my face and I couldn't be bothered to wipe it away.
*...even when it was something stupid and it did make you a little mad. I remember when you asked me to do the dishes because I had made all the mess and you had already done your share for the week, and I said I would... but I didn't because I was painting. I could tell when you got home that you were mad that I didn't do them but you pushed your feelings aside to be excited about my painting with me. *
I remembered her painting phase. It was short lived, like most of the new things she tried, but she was good at it. She had a real knack in seeing the beauty of things that I didn't express on the outside. She could make rainbows out of muddy puddles. She could make beauty out of anything... anything except herself.
*We had so much fun... together... being stupid. I loved when we would get on a random train and just let the day take us wherever, and even when we got lost, we would make do. And when we would go to the beach... even that time when it was only 20 degrees but I insisted, even though we would come home a drag sand all the way up the corridor, it was worth all the smiles and laughter. *
"Why couldn't you keep smiling then?" Tears are falling freely from my eyes. "YOU KEEP SAYING THAT NONE OF THIS WAS MY FAULT BUT CLEARLY IT WAS."
The silence is disturbed by a knock on my door.
"Jayden, are you okay?"
I don't respond.
"Jayden?"
He opens the door, and I'm frozen; still.
"Hey, what's up?" He says.
"It was my fault."
"No it wasn't."
"IT WAS MY FAULT JOSH! YOU ARE JUST LIKE HER – TELLING ME IT WASN'T MY FAULT BUT CLEARLY IT WAS."
"Jayden, you know it wasn't your fault"
I ignore Josh and sit right down, putting my headphones in and turning up the volume.
*Then even when the smiles faded you were still there, a shoulder for me to cry on, an ear for me to vent to, and someone to hold me and pick me back up when my world was crumbling at my feet. *
I must pause it again as I'm overcome with emotion. "Why wasn't it enough?" I cry, breaking down again. "Why couldn't it be enough?"
I cry for a minute before I gain the strength to wipe my eyes and press play again.
*Jayden, I love you. I love you as my lover. But more than anything I love you as my best friend. My supporter, my reason to laugh, and my reason to be.
Maybe I shouldn't do this. *
"What?" I exclaim, my eyes going wide. "What do you mean you shouldn't do this."
*No, I have to. *
My hands shake as the video finishes. She thought about not going through with it. She thought about staying...
_____
Hey, I hope y'all are doing okay.
The last few parts have been kinda crap I'm sorry.
ALSO - for any of you who are big fans of 5sos and 1D, and maybe a little bit more with con, I started a second account for all my 5sos and 1D stories as I didn't feel they fit this accounts vibe anymore.
I'd appreciate the follow but it's alright if you don't want to as well, of course.
@longnightcal
Much Love, Jayrassicparkxx
