I wake up late the next morning with a pounding headache. I can't remember much from last night but it must have been crazy. My whole body feels off and the movement of my breathing is making me nauseas.
"Josh?" I call out, quietly.
"Don't move." He says from across the kitchen.
I stop trying to get up and lie flat on the couch. "What happened?" I mumble.
"You don't remember?"
"No"
"You took a fair bit of Panadol...and drank a lot of beer... and then had some of (Y/N)'s medication."
"Oh." I say, feeling defeated.
"Do you feel okay?" Josh asks.
"Yeah, just like a bad hangover."
Josh nods, understanding.
I make my way up slowly, trying not to throw up.
_____
Later that day, Josh is outside making phone calls. I don't know who too, but I have a feeling it's about me. I close by blinds sitting down on my bed. (Y/N)'s funeral is only a couple of days and I need to finish all 13 parts. I click on the next one bracing myself.
_
*Even though my parents always said they supported me, I never really felt like they actually believed in me. I would tell them about something fun or exciting I was doing, like when I took up guitar or learning German, and they would simply nod and smile and say "well, isn't that great (Y/N)". I never protested their reactions because I knew they would never change, but admittedly, it began to dig deep inside and make me wonder what the point in trying was. However, it was never that way with you. Even when I had my own doubts that I would succeed, you were like my own personal cheer squad. I never would have done half of the things I've done without you. Thank you.*
-
"Maybe you wouldn't have killed yourself had I not been there," I say, instantly being glad no one was there to hear me. While part of me feels like it's true, I know I shouldn't say it out loud. As I go to press play again, I hear the back door close.
"Jayden?" Josh calls out.
"I'm in my room," I reply, and he makes his way to my door.
"I just spoke to your mum." He says, and I sigh. "She wants to see you."
"No!" I exclaim quickly. "I'm not ready."
"Jayden, you need to see your mum. She needs to make sure you're okay."
"Josh, no."
Josh sighs and I can tell I'm not going to like what he has to say.
"Jayden." He begins. "I've invited her for dinner. She's going to bring takeout. This is not up for discussion."
_____
*I've spoken a lot about me in these videos, and while admittedly, yes, that was the point, but there was one more thing I wanted to say...*
I pause the video, taking a shaky breath in. I don't want her to even say my name at this point, it could break me. I heard it a thousand times at dinner with my mum trying to get me to talk, and it began to sound like nails on a chalkboard, and I don't want to think that about her.
*Jayden*
Uh, she did it, but although it ripped at my brain, her voice was beautiful.
*...You need to believe in yourself more. You are so talented, and so beautiful. Your potential is off the charts and YOU NEED TO SEE THAT! Even though I won't be there in real life, I want you to know that I will still be your biggest supporter, just from up there.*
"I DON'T WANT YOU UP THERE!" I exclaim. "I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME... forever."
*I'm sorry Jayden, I hate to do this, but I need to say goodbye.*
