letters to hazel

fourteen

Days had passed and I hadn't heard from Harry and it had me a little worried. Jade had gotten over her cold and things had gone back to normal. I had completely moved on from Adam and all that happened, I had no association to him. I was working, running errands, and spending lots of time with my daughter, all the while just thinking and thinking about Harry. 

He seemed pretty interested in having a friendship with me, at the least, and now he had completely cut his contact with me. I knew he was a busy guy and I couldn't imagine what kind of things were occupying his time now but I couldn't help but wonder why. If I had done something wrong to push him away or if it wasn't for any reason. It worried me.

I had decided to get the DNA test. That is what I really wanted to talk about. If I had the chance to find out who Jade's father was and I was holding that back from her I was being selfish. I want my daughter to have the chance at having a relationship with her father. All parents want better for their kids than they had and if my daughter could have a forever relationship with her father then that was something that I had to give her. But, if Harry was just going to distances himself for seemingly no reason, I wasn't sure.

It made really rethink my decision to get the DNA test. I assumed that Harry was going to be around and I think he was really proving me wrong. It wasn't that I was horribly mad, we don't have to have a relationship. It was just odd coming from him. 

My own thoughts were eating me alive so I had decided to call my friend and manager, Juniper. She was my friend before becoming my manager and that means something to me. I know that it isn't a fake friendship with her and I know I don't have to watch the way I talk or what I talk about when I am around her. Our friendship isn't based off any poor intentions on either of our parts and I respect that. Once I moved away from home and my family, she was my first real friend away from all that I knew and was comfortable with.

"You really want that though. You always seemed to not care", Juniper said after I explained the whole situation and how I was feeling. 

"I really don't in a reality but it isn't about me. I knew my dad, I didn't have to live with the mystery of who my father was and I would just hate to not be able to give her the chance."

"Do you think it is Harry? Honest to god, do you think it is him?", Juniper asked and I really had to think to myself. Solely based off looks, I think it could be a possibility and it is most likely that it is him. But based off all the other aspects like missed periods and timeline, I had no idea. I had never kept track of those kinds of things, especially after I got home and things went back to normal. The only thing that I cared about was feeling alive, if that meant I hooked up with people and never saw them again, then that is what I did.

"Maybe, I mean I really don't know-"

"Just maybe?", she questioned, "I see him in Jade all the time. The smile dude, they have the same fucking smile. You don't have naturally curly hair like she does."

"Yeah just maybe, I really don't know."

"I just worry that you want it to be Harry too much. You want it to be him so badly and I don't want that to be something you are thinking of and dreaming and then having it fall short, ya know. I don't know exactly what you are thinking and I know you have her best interest at heart but you have to think about yourself just a little bit too."

"I guess", I said hesitantly. As we said our goodbyes I was left to think about all the things she had said about me.

A piece of me wanted to be offended because of the accusations she had made but in the end I knew she was right. I day dreamed about living a life with harry, it was something I had done to cope with my problems since I was a teenager. It was just different now that I knew him and had lived with him. He was someone that I had loved for a huge part of my life and had a serious history with. It wasn't just a celebrity crush with him.

It was a lot to think about but in the end, she was right. I had to think about how I was going to react if Harry wasn't that dad and if I couldn't get into contact with whoever Jade's real dad was. I decided to call Harry and see if he would answer. I wanted to talk about the DNA test and what it would mean for us. I wanted to see where his head was at and what he is thinking in this situation. He obviously had some kind of suspicion if he was going to suggest something like this. 

I called him, and it went straight to voicemail.