letters to hazel

twenty

Harry: Are you sure? I thought we agreed that I would meet her after the fact.

Harry: I am totally open to though. I am not opposed to the idea, I'm just curious what changed your mind.

"Not bad, huh?", I said to Jade as I buckled her into her car seat.

"Nope", was all she could say as she began sucking onto the sucker the doctor gave her for doing a good job.

I decided to think a little on what had just happened before texting Harry back, giving me a little more time to think on my decision. The test had made all of this all too real. I didn't know why it was such a big deal to me or why I was so worried, I just was. The test was something I felt like we had always talked about but would never happen and it actually did. The results of the father of my childhood might be revealed in less than a week.

I couldn't help but wonder what was life was going to be like after this. If Harry wasn't hers, would I be as devastated as I imagined I would or would things go back to the way they were before the book signing? This could mean so many things to my life and I had gotten so used to the way things were as a parent it was a lot to handle. I know I was working myself up, stressing myself out more than I needed to but I couldn't help it.

Once Jade and I arrived home, I was still sure about the two of them meeting and I decided to text Harry.

Hazel: Yeah I'm sure.

Hazel: I called my sister this morning and she suggested it. She said it would be more weird to introduce some random guy as her father than it would for it to be someone she has at least met once.

Harry: That makes sense. We should've thought of that.

Harry: I'm free tonight but I'm nervous.

Hazel: Harry Styles, grown man, is scared of meeting a 5 year old child. How sweet.

Harry: Heeyyy, I'm nervous for all the right reasons!!

Hazel: I know, I know.

Hazel: Plus she is super nice and super cute so I'm sure she'll like you.

Harry: And what if she doesn't! That's why I'm scared.

Hazel: You'll be fine. I promise it will go fine.

Harry: I can be there at 4.

I was nervous and for obvious reasons, Harry and Jade meeting was a big deal to me. I wanted it to go well and I wanted them to like each other. As I cleaned up the house, I felt almost at ease like this was meant to happen. I wasn't nervous about being alone with Harry in a home like I was last time and I think that was because it was my home. I had more control over my environment. I thought about letting my mom know that Harry was over for our safety but I decided against it. I wasn't as worried and I felt like it totally took away from the trust I was trying to build with Harry.

I was really hoping Jade and Harry would have an instant connection. That would mean the world to me. I didn't see why they wouldn't, they were so similar in how goofy they are and Jade is so friendly with everyone she meets. She is such a people person. If they got along, that meant that I could continue to grow a friendship with Harry outside of this. I had decided that I wanted to build some kind of a friendship with Harry after how much time we had spent together over the past week.

We agreed on a lot of things, we had a lot of fun together, and a steady flow of easy conversation. I think that Harry and I could easily have a friendship. I had no idea what our relationship would be like if he wasn't Jade's father but it was really worth rebuilding the connection. As it got closer to 4, the more nervous I got. This kind of moment was all about Jade and this could be the first big step for her.

"Mom", Jade called out from her room, "Somebody is here."

I went into her room to see her peaking out the bedroom window. There Harry was, stepping out of his car and going into his backseat to grab a box, a bag full of things, and a bouquet of flowers. The gesture of bringing flowers made my stomach flutter. He was wearing a black shirt, pale blue jeans, and black vans, it was a lot more casual than I was used to seeing him but I liked it. Jade and I both watched him walk up to the door and when he was closer we both ran to the door to answer.

I opened the door and he smiled at me then down at Jade who was holding onto my leg, almost hiding from him. He handed me the flowers in his hand, a bouquet of red and pink roses.

"What's in the bag?", she asked as I let Harry in and hugged him, "And what's your name?"

"Harry", he responded getting down to her level, "And I brought gifts."

"You didn't have to do that", I interrupted and he shook his head. He brought stuff out of the kindness of his heart for my daughter and that made my heart swell. He began pulling candy and toys out of the bag and handing them to her one by one, explaining each one and talking about what ever came to her mind.

"He's cute", Jade said pulling a pink stuffed bear out of the bag, rubbing her face on the soft fur.

"What should his name be?", Harry asked and Jade looked up to me and shrugged, "Anything in the world."

"I think I'll name him after you."