Elegantly Wasted 2.0

26

You remember a couple chapters back, when I told you that this girl I really liked admitted her feelings to me? Okay, well this is part two, the part where my fucking heart is crushed by her :)

Okay, I'm maybe exaggerating a little. Or not. I don't even know anymore.

It was Valentine's day the other day, and I had a present for her. It was a necklace and a card, asking if she wanted to be my girlfriend. I had grown tremendous feelings for her in the time span of a month, and I really wanted to make it all official. Turns out, we couldn't see each other that day, so she said "okay, how about tomorrow?" And she wasn't able to show up. I got home, we FaceTimed, and towards the end of it, she tells me:

"Okay, so you remember when I was with Francis the other day, in the car?"

And yeah, of course I did. She had been talking only about him, every time she thought of him, she'd smile that smile. You know that smile of someone who's in love? Yeah. That one. And I dreaded what was coming, because I knew she had probably grown feelings for him. Anyways, she says:

"Well, we kissed."
I didn't react.
She kept talking, but I don't remember what she said, I was heartbroken.
And I said I wasn't surprised.
She asked why
"I saw the way you talked about him, how you smiled when you said his name, how you'd talk about him all the time."
She proceeds to explain that she's loved him for about a year now, a whole fucking year. I didn't understand why she'd tell me she loved me when she saw me, because it was never fucking true. She never had feelings for me.

So I hung up. Because I noticed she was smiling. Fucking smiling. She didn't care at all. It was always about her, all the time.

I cried. I tried not to, I really did. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts. I texted her, telling her we should break up. Just wording what was already understood. I said I didn't want to be the girl that stopped those two from being together.

She said she still wanted us to be friends. I never understood why people got so mad when an ex said that, but now I do. It hurts so fucking much, god damn it. I know we were only together for a month, but that month was one of the happiest ones of my life. When we'd see each other, the kisses we'd share, the looks we'd give to each other, the laughs we had together, I was finally starting to be happy. I ignored it.

She said she was sorry.
I got mad and it showed a bit when I said "yeah, I'm sure you are."

And then I apologized for getting mad. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't control her feelings.
And I said I'd love to still be friends.

So we texted as if we were friends. We were just normally texting, and it was hard. Every time she'd send a message, I'd start sobbing.

I started talking to another one of my friends, Fred, explaining the situation, and she told me that I should explain to her that I wasn't ready to talk, I needed time. So that's what I did.

And I just feel empty today. I want to get mad at her, I want to scream, I want to cry, but I'm not allowing myself to do so. It's hard not to, I just want to lay in my bed all day, listen to Ally Hills' "wrong" and just cry my heart out.
I'm gonna go to Fred's house tomorrow to change my mind, she's probably one of the best friends I could ask for. We're gonna watch a movie, and the next day, we'll do some charity work for extra school credits.

I just want to tell Eve to go fuck herself, that I don't want to be friends, that I want her to stop texting me. I don't want to be immature though, so I won't.

Thanks for dealing with my moaning and complaining. I hope you have a good day :)