Writing Tips

How to Write a Book-- Probably.

It is silly and redundant to write this chapter, but it will give you an idea why I decided to write this book—to save you from some of the many frustrations I have experienced.  So...yes, there is a strong sense of sarcasm in this chapter, even though it really does have helpful tips and insights.  Many writers have experienced similar, even if they do not make it all the way through the list.

✏️ Practice writing, and be glad ignorance is bliss — until it fails to land you success in landing a book contract.  Yep, it's okay and normal to cry.  But put your big-person undies on, cuz you're The Shit, and only you can write this story.  If anyone else tries to write this story, your character Mike won't save the day, he'll end up in a tree upside-down and covered in bees.  It just won't be right.

✏️ Learn about the professional writing process because you don't know as much as you think you do about commercially publishable books.  That's why you failed to get a contract or draw a returning crowd of readers, most likely.  Right now you're the weird cat lady, feeding and loving all the strays.  You see the value...not everyone else does.  But there's hope!

✏️ Begin with a 25-word pitch, and cut the fat from it until you think it has become a cute little skeleton.  Now add some flesh back in, and cut it back down to 10 words.  Does it reflect the backbone of your book?  Is it awesome?  Does it make you want to read the book?  Now ask others, and prepare to be blasted with confused expressions, and duck from any eyebrows taking flight.  You'll get a headache, though, so beware.  This part's difficult.  But it will save you time down the road when someone wants to know about it but does NOT want to listen to three hours of explanation.

✏️ Begin a blog and/or website, and work on creating your platform.  You'll want to think of ways to draw customers, turn them into repeat customers, and somehow create an action funnel--to guide them to your ultimate goal.  To make them need it.  You're a puppet master, you can do it, you amazing fiend!

✏️ Expand the pitch into a query or blurb...

✏️ Smack your head against your desk because this turns out to be more difficult than it feels it should be.  There is so much jargon and there are so many concepts in business, design, and craft that it feels it may take a lifetime to learn even a quarter of it!  Yoooooouuuu caaaaaaan dooooooo iiiiiiit!  If you can write down an idea, or complete a book, or take those first steps on the other part of the writing process, you're already a masterful genius who can do anything you want with your life--others couldn't even make it that far.  Your future will resonate with your goals if you keep thinking about and stepping toward them every day.

✏️ Now write the Outline (maybe even create a story arc) on a board.  Or in a notebook.  Or on sticky notes you tape to the back of your aggravated cat.  That part's fun, I promise.

✏️ Check to make sure you don't have a concussion from the desk, and also probably run from the angry cat.

✏️ Keep blogging your progress, and keep trying to build your platform.  Follow your steps, one at a time.  Make it a drumbeat and dance to it if you want, there's no harm in dancing all awkward-like to some music only you can hear. Nobody will think your crazy...(*wink*).

✏️ Also, try to drum up excitement for your book by talking about it until people want to kill you just to shut you up about it.

✏️ Write the synopsis.  Yep, maybe should prepare a Last Will and Testament while you're at it, cuz this part feels like it's killing you!  Hey, I survived.  Kind of.  Heheh...brain damage makes life more fun. There go my inhibitions and my shame! Hooray!

✏️ Cry because the synopsis is destroying the threads that hold your brain together by making you think too hard.

✏️ Begin the crap-draft, I mean first draft, of the story.