Writing Tips

Starting Every Sentence with "You"

I am happy to say that I have had a request to write a Second-Person POV tip. Thanks for your suggestion, @caitlinashannon!

Second-person POV books are much rarer than first- or third-person POV books. Getting your hands on a really good example is difficult, and writing one? That's a whole different ballgame, because writers' and readers' minds are more often programmed to write and read in first or third person. Shifting to second person is usually awkward because of this, and it requires a bit of rewiring upstairs. More difficult is the changing of tenses from past to present, or vice-versa.

In the right context, surrounded by beautiful language, some words and phrases can become invisible, but you must apply a level of technique to achieve that effect. When you ask a person something or address him in some way, do you always start your sentence with you? No. You do not. So do not start every sentence with the word you. Repetitious words become annoying.

Also consider tense: past or present. Past tense has a sense of unchanging finality, while present tense seems to create a stronger sense of intensity, intimacy, and immediacy--all of which bolster the writing beautifully. It is often far more dramatic to write in second person, present tense, because the scene didn't already happen, it is happening now. There is a very different feeling in saying there was a fire and there is a fire. It's like saying, "We had a fire, and it's now just a memory," versus, "We could literally die right now."

Just remember that if you are writing in second person, there are certain techniques that you will not be able to use to the same effect as in other narratives, such as the main character reading into other characters' reasons in an organic manner. A reader may not put together the puzzle you think they're putting together, and if you lead them down a specific path of logic that doesn't connect to them, they can become extremely disoriented and confused. Readers also don't like to feel like they are being marrionetted, even if they technically are.

It's a bit harder to hide those you strings than it is to hide those I strings. So offer in the writing physically embodied clues to other characters thoughts and actions, especially if your "you" character isn't psychic. The focus should be more outward than inward, just as is the case with both first person and third person. But take note: it is far less forgiving than the other two styles.

This entire chapter is, in itself, an example how to write in both first and second person. Even as I discuss my views and explain them, I am also giving you notes on what to do. But not every sentence starts with just I  and you. 

It is important to continue to develop your style, to give every sentence you write very careful consideration, and to revise as you continue to grow.

Put more contemplation into the action and descriptions within the second-person story. Use your character's senses to view the world through his/her emotional perception of it.

Consider the character as a submarine, and put the reader within the character. Do not address the submarine over and over. That only shocks the reader and reminds them they are in the submarine. Have them look out the damned windows and on the radar. Every sense that you have, use it. Every observation that submarine can pick up on, give it. The pressure of the deep, the air difficult to breathe, the thing that happens in the scene, the submarine creaking, the other characters reacting, etc. All the senses.

Here is a second-person, modified example of an old draft called The Vampire's Memory Keeper.  Pay careful attention to the style of each sentence, where the focus is directed. It is not always focused at the main character I have named "you." It is instead redirected outward through that character.

--

The woven mitts upon your gloved hands peel away as you kneel, and your fingers are exposed to the freezing wind. The bloodless digits pause for a moment, then graze the skeleton of the todler. It isn't Rojan. Not even close. The thing's barely-formed fingers, its too-human teeth...It is not even an elegant child. The head is too rounded, like a human babe. But there is a sheen in the shadow of the cracks in the bone, which human eyes or machines would not detect. It reacts to your presence, to the power within your soul. The Spirit within your body.

This child's body is descended of Eradesh kind, but it is still not Rojan. Whatever this young creature had been, it had tasted a human sickness and died from it. Rojans do not die of human diseases. It is hard enough to cause one to die by trying to kill it.

Pulling a small chisel and vial from your heavy coat, you remove a sliver of bone from the cracked humerus, and then you slip the cold sliver into the amber fluid in the vial.

"Ha! Clevel, clever, clever." The vial gives off a strange, barely-audible ringing sound, one that is like the vibrations of an electric chime. "This body isn't even the right one." Your Russian is out of practice, sounding as rough as the bitter landscape's cold even to your own ears. Slipping a small device from your second pocket, you press a button and aim the lense at the casket and body.

--

Here is the original third-person, past-tense excerpt itself, so you can take a look at how I modified a few things to fit the second-person, present-tense POV above.

The man knelt, peeling away the woven mitts covering his hands so that his  fingers were exposed to the freezing wind. He paused for a moment before grazing the skeleton of the toddler with his bloodless fingers. It was not Rojan. Not even close. The barely-formed fingers, the too-human teeth and feet...It was not even an elegant child. The head was too rounded, like a human babe. However, there was a blue sheen in the shadow of a few cracks in the bone that human eyes or machines would have been unable to detect under normal circumstances. It reacted to his presence, to the frequency of his soul, the Spirit within his body.

The body was descended of Eradesh kind, but it was still not Rojan. Whatever this young creature had been, it had tasted a human sickness and died from it. Rojans didn't die of human diseases. It was hard enough to make one die by trying to kill it.

The man pulled a small chisel and vial from his heavy coat and removed a sliver of bone from the cracked humerus, and he slipped the cold sliver into the amber fluid in the vial.

"Ha! Clever, clever, clever," (notice that I had rearranged this part in order to avoid using "You" again where "he" exists) he jeered when the vial gave off a strange, barely-audible ringing sound, one that was like the vibrations of an electric chime. "This body isn't even the right one." His Russian was out of practice, and it sounded as rough as the bitter landscape's cold even to him. Slipping a small device from his second pocket, the strange man pressed a button and aimed the lense at the casket and body.

If you take careful notice, you will see that the character becomes a boat or a submarine in which the reader resides, watching what the character is doing or focused on. They are not being jerked around, being forced to bounce from one bumbly command to another, and they are not forced to stare at the damned "You" boat during the entire trip.

Be careful when you are writing in second person, okay? But above all? Have fun!!!

I think every writer should experiment with this POV. It teaches you new things about writing.