Unedited: Because perfection is just an illusion.

Chapter 7

I looked at the time, it was 2:45 am. I pulled the covers back over my head, knowing that my efforts were futile anyways. I could never go back to sleep after a nightmare. After a while I decided to give up on trying to sleep.

So, I decided to go downstairs for a drink of water. On the way, I pulled out my phone, idly going through my Instagram feed. Ethan posted an adorable picture with his puppy, so I naturally double tapped.

About 5 seconds later I got a text from him.

"Babe, don't tell me you've had another nightmare." it read.

"What are you doing up at 3 am?" I replied.

"I'm editing. The question is what YOU are doing at 3 am if it isn't for a nightmare."

"Sigh, it's just that I can't seem to switch off my brain."

Ethan disappeared offline "No, babe. Please don't go." I texted again.

Too late, he'd already gone poof. I sighed and trudged back to my room. I curled into my bed and did the one thing that never failed to comfort me, I pulled out my notebook and began to write. The words flowing, as they always did whenever I was at any heightened emotional state.

I was so involved in my writing, I didn't notice it when my window opened.

Ethan materialized besides me and I almost jumped when I heard his voice say "You really should lock your window you know."

"Ethan, what the fuck." I hissed.

"Shh. Shh." Ethan shushed, pulling me into a tight hug that I immediately melted into the comfort of.

"Ethan, what are you doing here?" I asked and discreetly hid my notebook under my pillows. I caught eye of my reflection in the mirror. I took in my puffy eyes from crying, my messy birds nest hair and my worn out unicorn pajamas with an elastic bottom that I've had since I was twelve which now rested at an awkward mid-calf length.

Despite all this, Ethan still looked at me like I am the most beautiful person in the world.

"BABE, what on earth are you doing here?!" I repeated since he still hadn't answered me.

"I just wanted to see you. You know, I was thinking. You never really let me I on your life. I know literally nothing about your folks" he said confrontationally.

"And your nightmares, what are they even about?! And what do you write in this?" he said pulling out he notebook that I had failed to properly conceal.

"I just realized, I barely fucking know you Alexis except every small detail of your social life, which for some reason you have no problem sharing. What is up with you?"

I snatched the notebook out of his hands.

"Nobody. Nobody touches or rereads my notebook. Hell, Even I don't reread stuff I've already written"

Ethan's face flashed with hurt, but he attempted to mask it with his anger. After a few seconds of awkward silence that consisted of him glaring at me, the anger slowly vanished from his face.

"Okay, now that I'm here do you want to talk about your nightmares?" he said cuddling up next to me. I said nothing but snuggled up deeper into his chest, his scent and his hands playing with my hair gave me an inexplicable sense of comfort.

"Okay then, talk about it whenever you're ready." he said gently.

"I don't want to talk about it at all" I muttered.

"Fine babe. But this isn't healthy. Sooner or later, you have to talk it out. It doesn't have to be me. Just talk to somebody, okay?"

His hands continued to fiddle with my hair or trace patterns on my back as he was doing something on his phone. I just kept my eyes shut, mulling over the scattered ideas in my head.

I felt panic raise in my chest. My breathing became constricted. I blocked out all my other thoughts. 'Breathe. Just breathe.' I kept telling myself.

By the time I had calmed down sufficiently to form coherent thoughts, I saw Ethan, unaware of my almost panic attack, had gone to sleep, the phone still on. I stared at him for a while, just thinking about how content I felt. I slowly shook his hands off me. I kissed his forehead.

'I love you' I whispered to him.

I retrieved my notebook and made my way to my desk. I continued writing for a while with a small smile on my face, till the unwelcome thoughts came swarming in. Ethan was so fucking perfect in so many ways. Why couldn't I break the barriers and just come clean about my family situation? Why can't I just make myself vulnerable to him? As much as I loved him, why did I feel in the pit of my stomach that something felt wrong?

I suppressed all my thoughts. "Stop Alexis. Take one moment at a fucking time. Enjoy this."

***

So. Um yay. 

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