Lost But Found

Chapter Five: Call Me An Oo-bbrr

"You leave that alone, you hear me?"

"Leave what alone?"

"Th-the cute doggie on the counter," My intoxicated mom says as she points to her black purse. "You're a little cutie, yes you are!" She coos.

"Mom, go to bed. You're drunk." I cross my arms at her.

"Nah! I wanna go dancing, call me an oo-bbrr!" She attempts a few dance moves, almost losing her balance before regaining it. "I'm just a little wobbly, but I-I'm fine."

I sigh in frustration at this woman who is supposed to be the parent here. "I'm not ordering you an Uber, but I will arrange for you to go to bed."

It's ten o'clock on a Wednesday night and she has the nerve to come home drunk, again! And now apparently she wants to change into some night club clothes and go dancing. She seriously needs to stop going to the bar with the other secretaries at her work place.

I'm so disappointed in her right now. Last week she promised that she would stop her drinking habit. Five years and she's still down a spiraling path. I wish she would regain control of herself, it's bad enough our relationship is strained as it is.

For example, before I left to grab a cup of coffee at Coffee Bean last week, my mom had the nerve to tell me that I should attend a community college instead of going to George Brown University, my dream school. All for the reason of saving her money. What money does she have when she wastes it all on alcohol?

"You're completely out of your mind, you need to sleep." I grab her arm gently and lead her down the hallway to her bedroom.

"I-I wanna rock n' roll all ni-ight and party every day!" my mom sings off-key to the most notable Kiss song.

Leading her into the bedroom, she unhooks herself from my hand and launches herself on the queen size bed. She then jumps up and down like a little toddler and begins laughing hysterically, "I'm a goofy goober!" I stare at her in disbelief, she's gotten very drunk in the past but this is a whole new level. What kind of combination of alcohol did she have this time?

After about a minute of these shenanigans, she plops down on the bed and yawns, "Nighty night." My mom then lays her head on the pillows and passes out.

Well, looks like someone's bound to have a killer hangover tomorrow morning.

Being very quiet, I take this as my cue to leave and tiptoe out of the bedroom.

-

I lay in my bed that night and stare up at the bedroom ceiling. A wave of despairing emotions has hit me. I don't know how to describe the feeling but I feel pain. Not physically but mentally.

Most nights I usually don't get this bad. I usually will plug in earbuds to my phone and listen to a music playlist and hope that I fall asleep into a dark paradise.

A stream of tears begin to roll down my cheeks, I quickly wipe them away with my hands.

I feel so disconnected from the world, sometimes I just don't want to exist. It would be too easy for me to say that I feel invisible from the world. Instead, I feel painfully visible but ignored.

I'm hurt, I'm alone, I'm depressed, I cry myself to sleep at night and I hate myself. Every breath is a struggle and every thought of mine is a battle in which I know I'm not going to win.

Part of me wants to die but my other half is fighting to stay alive. The clash between these two halves is killing me. My mind and body don't agree with each other.

"Dad, if you're up there listening," I whisper softly in the dark. "I miss your smile, the sound of your voice. I miss the way the world felt when you were around. I miss you today and every other. What I would give to spend another minute with you."

More tears trickle down my face, this time I don't bother to wipe them away.

I feel so lost and broken, inside and out.

Hey guys,

I know that this chapter was a bit heavy but it is necessary that I show you how depression can impact someone.

I'm sorry that the chapter was a bit short, I was busy writing essays for my History class.

I hope you liked the reference I made to Sponge-bob, I even included a small clip of the song.

Anyways, feel free to click that star. It's amazing what a button can do, lol.

See you all soon.

-Nikki