Fake Smile

Being Selfish Feels So Good

Marinette POV

Today is Saturday... most people would be thrilled, but not me... it just means more bad thoughts. Damn, something is really wrong with me... I just want to be normal. That's all I want. I look down and see blood stains all over my covers. Dammit! I should have been more careful. I slowly get up but as soon as I did I flinched. 

What's up with me? Lately I have been really distracted. As soon as I thought that a picture of Chat Noir popped in my mind. And my heart starts to beat faster then normal. I shook my head. 

"I need to stop getting feelings for the wrong boys all the time." I mumbled, really low. Ugh, what am I saying. I don't like that dumb cat!

Anyways, I get up but this time really slow and start cleaning up my cuts. 

I think about all the good times me and Alya had together. I really miss her... if only she misses me too. Now that I think about it... what did Chloe do to make everybody turn on me?! Alya knows NOT to trust her. So maybe Chloe had some type of proof?! Like photoshop or something.

And before I know it I already cleaned my cuts and the covers.

The bakery is really silent.

I never really liked the silent before...

I go check my social media account. I know I should know better and NOT go to social media because that's where most of the bullying happens. But I can't help it. It's like a drug. I can't stop reading the mean comments.

"Everybody has demons but I just so happen to feed mine." I said, unintentionally out loud.

Sadly, I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice a certain black cat in my room. So imagine how suprised I was when I turn around and saw how sad he look.

Did he heard what I said?

Hopefully not. That would have been really embarassing. There are people who suffers more than me and here I am whining like the crybaby I am.

"Ummmmmmmm hi?" I said, trying to sound cheerful but deep down I'm breaking. 

Chat Noir seemed startled by my voice. I mean is my voice really that cringey? Ugh, great one more thing to hate about myself.

"What did you mean by that?" Chat Noir asked, with that sad look in his eyes that I noticed earlier. Shit he heard me. Gotta change the topic quick.

"Nevermind that! What are you doing in MY bedroom without MY consent?! You pervert!" I yelled at him, throwing him my cat pillow. Sadly, he catched it. Stupid reflexes.

"Don't try to change the topic! What did you mean by that?" Chat Noir yelled, really loud. And it reminded me of Chloe. I instantly flinched.

That triggered it.

Instantly all the voices came all at once.

Your so ugly!

Your so disgusting!

Your too skinny!

Your hair is too childish!

Stop crying you crybaby!

You traitor!

Your such a backstabber!

I wish I NEVER met you!

I hear this over and over as tears start to run down my cheeks.

Chat Noir panicked and freezes. 

"I-I just want the pain to go away..." I tell Chat Noir in the face, shaking. I know I'm going to regret this later. But I need to feel relieved. And I CAN'T cut infront of him now can I? As I fall to the floor.

"A-All ever wanted was for him to love me... Look where that got me."I stuttered, while shaking. I look up from the floor. 

I see Chat Noir with his ears down and tail flat in the floor. He has tears in his eyes. So close from running down his cheeks. I'm so worthless. I made my own partner so close to crying. 

But I'm allowed to be selfish once in awhile. 

No mattter how painful it is for him

I need to tell somebody.

So I told him everything.

And it felt so good.