Cardboard Hearts

#2: part 2

-From the Traveling Journal of-
Jess Barton
Florida

*singing voice* I'm back!

It's been 5 years since we've gone anywhere worth mentioning. It's been driving me absolutely insane. Sure, we'll go down to visit Gramps or the cousins (ugh) but we haven't actually left the state in... Well... Years.

So, here we are. Melissa is 9 and in the middle of her Disney princess phase. She somehow managed to convince Mom within a week to go down to Florida and visit Disney World, while I've been begging her for years to take us anywhere but the city. I don't know how she does it.

Plus, we haven't visited the ocean once so far on this trip. What kind of family goes to Florida and completely ignores the beaches? It's insane.

Jess was way nicer as a child, wasn't she?

I don't really mind the city, but sometimes I just need to get away from everything, you know? I finally graduated high school (and it wasn't easy), but I don't feel like I've ever learned anything useful. I don't know what I want to do with my life other than travel, and that money has to come from somewhere. I'm not delusional, I know I'm not a good enough singer to become famous.

I have some big news. I've made a decision: I'm not going to college.

I hated high school and I don't ever want to go back to a place like that. Plus, I'll be drowning in debt after the first year, and that's not something I want if I'm going to be traveling a lot.

I guess I really don't care about money. I just want to be happy, you know?

My parents don't approve at all. They wanted me to be their perfect daughter, but I'm leaving Melissa to fill that position. I'm not perfect and I've accepted that. I think not going to college is the right thing for me right now, and that's all that matters.

She's made an interesting decision. Now all we have to do is see where it leads her.

-From the Traveling Journal of-
Jess Barton
Bryce Canyon

Wow. It's been 10 years since I last wrote in this thing.

10 years feels like forever.

I was visiting Mom the other day, and somehow we got onto the topic of my "relentless optimism."

Yeah, right.

At least, according to her. She says that no matter what happens, I always seem to bounce back up good as new. Like being bullied in middle school, and ostracized in high school. Having no friends hurts worse than I thought.

I wouldn't exactly call it optimism. I just don't have a choice in the matter. I mean, I can't change other people's opinions. I'm not depressed or suicidal after all these years, so that's a bonus. I guess I just learned how to stay positive.

The past 3 or 4 entries have features you complaining about everything. "Positive" isn't what I'd call it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this in here. Maybe because when I was visiting Mom, I looked through all my old journals and notebooks and I managed to dig this up. Some of my earlier entries brought back good memories, so I decided to bring it along on my trip.

Anyways, greetings from Bryce Canyon! It's absolutely gorgeous here. I'd seen pictures before, but that's nothing compared to the actual place. The rock formations are stunning. I went on a horseback tour along the rim yesterday, and the whole time I kept thinking that the canyon was like some sort of ballroom, and all the rock formations were kings and queens and nobles, all dancing along to some invisible song.

It's been a great trip.

Despite my worries on the Florida trip (I was in a really bad mood that time, wasn't I?) I have a little bit of money, so I can afford this trip. I've been in and out of jobs for awhile, so traveling was hard for the first few years out of high school. But I'll manage. I have a job at a gas station, and it's actually not as bad as I thought.

Melissa's all grown up, too. She slowly became less annoying over the years, and she's now in college and studying to be a teacher. I feel really happy for her, but I've kind of distanced myself from my family over the years. They were always so strict and old-fashioned; they wanted me to go to college to become a doctor, which I hated. And after my decision to quit college, we fell apart.

I haven't spoken to my parents in 2 years.

Yeah, it sucks sometimes. But I made a decision a long time ago to not regret any of my choices. It's all in the past.

I'm planning to take another trip soon, maybe to New York. I need to get away from here.

It's masked pretty well, but the signs are there. She hates her life. When the only joy you get is from escaping your responsibilities, that doesn't sound like following your dreams.

-From the Traveling Journal of-
Jess Barton
New York

I told you I'd make it!

This has been one of my best trips yet. I've spent the whole time wandering around the city, going into museums for Dad's sake, and eating in some really strange restaurants. It's absolutely amazing.

I wanted to take Melissa along, but she had exams to study for. And all my friends are busy in college, so we haven't really talked in awhile. But traveling alone isn't as lonely as you might think.

Yesterday I got lost in the city, and it was an interesting experience. I spent the whole day visiting shops I've never heard of, eating ice cream in the rain (very messy) and meeting new people. I didn't even care that my bills are way overdue, that Mom started smoking again, that I got fired from my job. For the first time in a while, I just felt... Free.

Free feels good.

I have some other big news I've been sitting on for awhile; I'm taking a few years off from my job at the gas station to travel.

You humans, always wanting to destroy yourselves searching for some semblance of happiness. What will you do when there's no one left to catch you when you fall?

I know it's a big decision, and maybe not the most rational one, but I have lots of money piled away from Grandma's will that I haven't had the heart to touch until now. But I know she would've wanted me to do this.

I guess my job just isn't the right thing for me right now. It's great, and I'm lucky to even have a job, but it's not really working out. I feel like my life is missing something, and I think maybe if I spend a few years living my dream, I can find it.

Cheers to the future, whatever it may bring.

A/N:
I'm going to have to switch to a different way of writing for the next part, since I can't write the ending of this from a traveling journal. I hope this perspective isn't too hard or boring to read.

For some reason this chapter was really hard to write. I'm never able to stay on track with my writing, but this took way longer than usual.
Anyways, as always, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.