Jimmy was on his way back. On his way back home. Well, Downton anyway. But he supposed that was his home, really.
Thomas was there.
Blimey he couldn't wait to see him. To wrap his arms around him and kiss the other man again and again. It had been too long. Too bloody long.
Jimmy tried not to think about the trenches he had left behind as the car sent by the Grantham's to collect him from the station winded its way up the hills. He couldn't believe both he and Thomas had survived the whole war. True, Thomas had said in his last letter that a bullet had skimmed the surface of his helmet and dented it- but he had survived without a scratch.
Downton came into view over the somewhat slightly less green grass that covered the lawns and he sighed, clutching at his haversack strap and itching to get out of his uniform and into his own clothes that would be waiting in his own room. God, his bed was here- preferably with Thomas in it.
As they came even closer to the house Jimmy could see people standing by the doors- they weren't, were they? They were giving him a full welcome....the Granthams too...
He couldn't help but grin as the car stopped and he hoisted his bag over his shoulder and clambered out.
"James, welcome back" Lord Grantham grinned as he stepped forwards to shake Jimmy's hand.
"Thank you my Lord" the blonde said trying to keep his footman voice and posture in place while still holding his heavy bag on only one shoulder.
Lady Grantham greeted him next in her overly happy way, then it was the tern of Lady Mary, followed by Lady Edith.
When he reached the servants he was surprised to see that Mr Carson was wearing a pleased look rather than his usual disapproving face. He shook hands with Jimmy and said "Welcome James" then he nodded down the line and continued "Alfred, take his bag off him" and the lanky ginger stepped out of line to retrieve the bag off Jimmy, giving him a grin and a pat on the back as he did so.
Jimmy then made his way down the line greeting everyone in a friendlier manner than he would have normally.
But there was no Thomas.
Maybe he was yet to arrive? He knew others were being shipped out later. True it had been three days already but that didn't mean anything; he had no idea where Thomas was posted so he could take anything up to a week to return.
Once back in the servants hall the others all set about fussing around him, bringing him drinks and offering him food. He could get used to this.
"When's Mr Barrow returning?" He asked with a grin towards Mrs Hughes as Ivy draped herself over the back of his chair.
The people within earshot stopped talking- their faces paling as they looked either at Mrs Hughes or Jimmy.
No. No, this didn't mean anything bad. It was just that they hadn't heard yet?
Jimmy looked around at the faces slowly then back to the silent Mrs Hughes whose own features seemed to have collapsed in a little.
"Mrs Hughes..?" his voice came out quieter than expected, his body now drenching itself in waves of ice cold dread that sent shivers to all his nerves.
"I think you better come and sit with me in my office James" and she turned quickly bringing a hand up to her mouth before walking out of the room slowly.
Jimmy didn't remember standing up and following her. Or going into her office and sitting down next to her small table. But he must have done, because now he was faced with a drawn looking woman who somehow seemed older than ever before.
He could feel his heart pounding as if it were the only think that was representing him. The rest of his body- his face, his arms, torso, legs feet hands- everything was gone, too numb with cold.
"James..." She began in a voice that was gentle in a way he had never heard her use towards him before "James, I think it important for me to tell you this in here as I know you and Mr Barrow- Thomas, were close" She looked at him, her eyes misted over with tears "We got a letter two days ago now from the ward office- missing, presumed dead"
Jimmy didn't remember starting to cry, he didn't even feel the hot tears burning into his face. He only knew that Mrs Hughes had become nothing more than a blurred outline. Nothing more than a warm, quivering hand placed over his freezing one.
"Thomas loved you very much" Her voice chocked when she said his name "And I believe you returned his devotion" She squeezed his hand.
He didn't register shame, or fear or any additional emotion at all. He only knew that when he let his eyes close and gave one slow nod that everything hit him all at once. His body returned to him in full force, his mind, his body, his heart, his soul. He never believed all these soppy poets that wrote about feeling emotional pain physically. But he couldn't ignore it now.
His body was on fire. Cold fire that burned his eyes and throat. Metal hooks had somehow inserted themselves into every inch of skin and were now ripping and tearing him to pieces.
And his heart? He couldn't even describe that pain. Not even years later when he thought back to that moment could he find words strong enough to recount the agony.
"James? James?" Mrs Hughes was shaking his arm "James you have to breath. Take a breath! James can you hear me?"
Jimmy kept his eyes closed. Her words reverberation around his whole body. Breath.
He opened his mouth and took a breath. He air stung. He felt dizzy. He was going to be sick.
Maybe Mrs Hughes read his pale, sweat drenched face, or many he had uttered the words allowed- but next he knew there was a waste paper basket under his chin and a soothing hand on his back.
He retched. Feeling the movements cause shock waves to pass through his shortly cropped hair and scalp. He retched again.
The third time he was sick.
When he started to notice things around him again, it was dark. Mrs Hughes had placed a blanket over him in a vain attempt to warm him up and he could feel her warm hand on his back rubbing in little circles. She was softly talking to him but Jimmy couldn't hear what she was saying. He supposed she must have been talking to him the whole time.
"You will have as much time off as you need"
"Mr Clarkson will come over tomorrow morning to check if how you are doing"
"You seem to be warming up ever so slightly though- Jimmy?"
He looked round at her, his face stiff and eyes wide.
"Jimmy- you always preferred that didn't you?"
He nodded
"How are you feeling?"
Pulling his lips apart he lied "Fine" but his voice came out low and shallow as moisture hit his throat for the first time in god knows how long.
"Shall I take you up to your room?"
He nodded again.
He didn't sleep that night.
XXX
True to her word the next day Mrs Hughes sent for Dr Clarkson and he appeared cautiously in Jimmy's doorway at no one. He tentatively stepped over the supper, breakfast and lunch that Daisy had left for him just inside the room and walking in, closing the door behind him once more.
"How are we today James? I hear you haven't been feeling well since returning back? That's not uncommon- all you need is to try and get up and about and keep yourself, not busy as such, but occupied" He lent over the still form of Jimmy who was lying on his side facing the wall "Are you listening to me James?"
Jimmy didn't reply. He just wanted the old fool to leave.
"James?"
Nope. Just go.
"James? Can you tell me where you are? What your last name is?"
He really didn't need this.
"James?" Dr Clarkson's voice became more insistent, burrowing into Jimmy's skull.
Jimmy snapped.
"This is Downton Abbey. I'm James Kent. First bloody footman"
"Good- so-"
"HE was Thomas Barrow. He was Under-Butler here- pitched to be next bloody Butler. HE would have been magnificent" Jimmy couldn't help it his raised voice cracked and his eyes began to sting again.
There was silence in the room for a little while and Jimmy could feel Dr Clarkson looking at him, but he didn't acknowledge this by rolling over to face him.
"Alright, James" Came Dr Clarkson's voice softly from behind him and with that he stepped back over the food and back out through the door. Closing it to shut off the light from the hall.
Downstairs he found a worried looking Mrs Hughes in the corridor "How is he?" she asked
"okay.... I assume he only found out about Mr Barrow recently?" He quirked and eyebrow at her
"I'm afraid so. Only yesterday- late afternoon. He stated to be ill right after."
"Grief"
Mr Hughes raised her eyes to the ceiling "Well I could have told you that. What about his fever? Has he been ill any more times? What about his loss of appetite? What can we do to help?"
Dr Clarkson sighed "There was no sign of any fever, no sign or him being sick. I am sure he will undoubtedly eat again in the next few hours and as for what you can do to help? You can support him, but there is no medical cure for grief"
XXX
Over the next few weeks Jimmy gradually returned to work. He ate after three days of almost every other member of staff trying to convince him to. It was only on Daisy's second attempt on the third day that he reluctantly ate a small amount of lunch.
Once back at work, he was set to do tasks downstairs rather than up, and as much as he despised polishing silver, he was grateful for not being sent to stand and smile and be polite to people he didn't care about. Downstairs he didn't have to smile.
One month, two days and four hours after his return he was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the wall and listening calmly to the chatter going on around him. He liked feeling calm- feeling numb. He could deal with that. He could even manage and small reluctant smile the social norm informed him he should make one. He had started to talk more freely in the last week and a half too, so every now and again he would add in a comment to make the girls giggle and Mrs Patmore raise her eyebrows disapprovingly. Though it was obvious she enjoyed the laughter his presents created and she seemed glad to see him interacting once again.
Jimmy was trying. He had to give himself that. That first week after he had heard the news about his love Thomas, he hadn't thought he would ever get back to where he was now. Though he didn't seem himself improving any further in the near future.
He gazed out of the window as one of the kitchen maids dropped a pot and the older woman, followed by Daisy, started to scream at her. Daisy really was Mrs Patmore's protégé- if a little less likely to bite your head off. He remembered Thomas leading Daisy on....god the way he old that whole story was funny- the way he had told it.
"And now we have to make the sauce all over again!" Mrs Patmore shrieked
"Idiot girl! That took me a long time" Daisy echoed
"Can you not hold a pot? Do you need pot holding classes?"
"As well as cooking clas- Jimmy?" Daisy started as he pushed past her and out into the servants hall "Jimmy, where are you doing?"
He had seen something. Oh he most definitely had. Or maybe it was just because he had been thinking about the other man...? That seemed more likely.
But he still had to check.
Jimmy ran out into the yard, but didn't stop there. From the kitchen you could see over the side out the grounds and he had thought he had seen-
He kept running. He was glad that the family were all in the library, as well as Carson and Alfred and whoever else they had got to serves after dinner drinks because there was no way anyone or anything was stopping him running. He could hear Daisy and Mrs Patmore's voices calling him but he wasn't going to stop.
Until...he slowed and stopped.
It was him.
Thomas was struggling in his army gear, complete with rucksack and uncomfortable boots, across the perfectly even lawn.
He stopped too. The two of the stood there- in silence, not moving at all.
"I say- is that Mr Barrow?" Mary suddenly announced to the quiet room
"Don't be silly" Remarked Edith "He's dead, isn't he?" she got up and joined her sister at the window "Oh my goodness!" she pressed a hand to her mouth "It is him!"
The rest of the family got to their feet and stood around the window with varying remarks of surprise and joy.
Jimmy began to run again. Slowly at first, but increasing his speed as he approached Thomas. His grin growing with every step.
Thomas dropped his bag to one side just in time to catch Jimmy around the hips as he flew at him, wrapping his legs around Thomas' waist and kissing him breathlessly.
Their tongues met for the first time in almost a year. Thomas' face was roughly shaven and his hair was messy. Jimmy moved one hand to grope in it as the other clutched at his neck.
"You bastard" He growled against his mouth
Thomas only chuckled and let Jimmy slide down off him before pulling him tight against his body.
"My god I missed you" He breathed, pulling back for air but only wanting to breathe in Jimmy. He put their foreheads together and looked at the younger man "I love you so much"
"I- I thought you were dead..." Was all Jimmy could manage in a tiny whisper.
"I know- Ouch!"
"I" he hit Thomas on the shoulder "thought" he hit him on the arm "you were" on the chest "bloody" he used both hands to beat at Thomas' chest while the other man held him tight "dead" Jimmy couldn't help but sob the last word and the tucked his face into Thomas' neck and held him as tight as he could. He would never let go again. Never.
"I know. I am so sorry. I will explain later okay. But look at me. Jimmy. Look at me" he grabbed Jimmy's face between his two hands and gently forced it backwards to look up into his own face "I love you"
"I love you too" Jimmy reached up and kissed the man he had been mourning for a month.
The Grantham family stood at the window in silence, all watching the two men embrace.
"Well then" Sighed Cora "I suppose we better go welcome our hero home"
Everyone murmured their agreement and turned away from the window "Though I doubt we can all live up to young James' welcome home" Mary's face was streaked with tears as she turned and smiled at the others "I'm alright" she said as she looked at her mother who hand stretched out a hand to put over her own "I just suddenly understand exactly what James has been going through" She looked back outside to see Jimmy picking up Thomas' bag at Daisy came running across the grass to greet him "And we didn't even realise"
XXX
Everyone stared in horror at Thomas as he finished recounting his tale to the dinner table "So you mean they didn't even realise you were a British solider?" asked Alfred incredulously
"No, the Romanian's kept saying my accent wasn't right. They thought we all sounded upper class" He shrugged and blew out the remainder of his smoke.
"You think after a whole war they would know a working class British accent" Said Mr Molesey with an odd little laugh
"Yeah well..." Thomas pulled a face that clearly said what he thought about the Romanians before yawning
"Right! Off to bed! All of you actually!" Mrs Hughes said with a grin and she chivvied them all up the stairs. Jimmy trailing after Thomas.
Mr Carson caught Mrs Hughes' arm as she bustled from the room "What should we do about those two?" He asked in undertones
Mrs Hughes raised her eyebrows and said lightly "Absolutely nothing"
—
by elizainlove
