Hope Begins to Fade

Trials in Life

It was horrible. And almost impossibly cruel.

Somehow Jeff and I'd managed to persuade Matt to let his boys sleep, the last truly untroubled sleep that they were likely to have for a while, so after Matt brushed a kiss over each boy's cheek Jeff wrapped an arm around his shoulder to lead him downstairs. I followed silently, unsure of what to say or what to do. I knew better than anyone that platitudes helped no one and left the recipient feeling exhausted with the effort required to form some sort of response. As I pulled the bedroom door closed Matt turned to me and spoke. "Thank-you...oh god I can't remember your name."

"It's okay I don't mind. My name is Caitlin." I touched his arm gently.

"It does matter. You were Val's friend. You cared for our children when the worst possible thing that could ever happen to them destroyed their world. I should have remembered your name." Matt's voice was ragged, like he'd been screaming, and his expression was broken. I could see he hadn't yet been crying and I worried that when the dam finally burst it would be devastating.

"Matt, you've never even met me in the flesh before. How could you be expected to remember my name? Believe me, remembering my name should be the least of your concerns right now."

Jeff squeezed his shoulder with a look of compassion and propelled him onward toward the stairs where an anxious Cathy waited at the bottom. My stomach fluttered with nerves but they were no longer the nerves of excitement from earlier in the day now the fluttering in my stomach was the nerves of an interloper. I felt like an intruder in a moment of private grief.

The scene downstairs could have been described as chaotic if it hadn't been so eerily silent. As Jeff slowly led Matt into the family room what little conversation there was ceased. The room seemed full of people and I recognised from my brief Skype interactions with them, and shamefully Pinterest, the members of Matt's band. Like a wave rolling in from the ocean the guys surrounded him.

I drifted to the wall by the doors to the kitchen and propped myself there watching silently as Cathy joined Steph and the other girls. I'd met Meaghan, Kelly and Lacey a couple of times but our friendship hadn't developed as much as my friendship with Cathy, Val and Michelle. I noticed that Steph was holding Baby Haner and there was no sign of Michelle. My heart began to race with panic.

"Where's Michelle?" I asked and when no one answered me I forced my voice out a little louder. "Where's Michelle?"

Steph turned to look at me registering my presence. "They admitted her to hospital. They had to sedate her."

I breathed out with relief as my heart slowly returned to its normal pace. I scrubbed my hands over my face. "Okay, that's good." Steph looked at me blankly. Shit. "I don't mean good...Hell I don't know what I mean." I babbled.

The girls all drifted to the sides of their respective partners holding on tight. I found my eyes drawn to Matt who was seated on the sofa hunched with over his elbows on his knees and his hands gripped tightly together. He was just staring blankly into the middle distance. Cathy and Jeff sat on one side of him and Steph had positioned herself next to him. Johnny had pulled one of Cathy's occasional chairs over and was leaning forward talking to him softly. Everyone was in tight little groups trying to make sense of what had happened. I kept to my spot hugging the wall, reluctant to intrude any further into their grief.

"Hey, Caitlin right?" A male voice startled me and I realised that I must have been staring at Matt. I turned to see Brian standing beside me the baby propped on his hip. At any other time I might have found myself a little awe struck by how good looking he was but all I could think was how he was a picture of stoic grief. I hated myself a little bit for how much I wanted to paint him.