The Perplexing Guide: Unintentionally Becoming Popular in Highschool

Step 4: Admit it. It's Denial

While we are on the boy topic and we have established I wanted no social life, we hit the first huge contradiction hurdle.

Ok. Breath. I can do this and so can you. Admit it. Admit it just to yourself. Stop the denial. Admit that one guilty thing you do daily. That one thing that tags along on every thought through your day.

Mine felt like a secret heart piercing that never got my parent's consent. A traitorous ruby stone set in a blackened silver winged charm punched and clamped through my flesh. I loved how badass it was.

It was late November in second grade that I picked that winged charm out. 

The new small boy in class had caught my attention. I was sitting out on the sidelines of the class group. Mrs Margoeth was centre to a ring of kids, organising a nativity re-enactment. The new boy jumped up volunteering himself with enthusiasm to play the baby Jesus.

I remember the exact sensation of disbelief as it slowed my surroundings down. My pencil dropped and rolled to the floor. Some kid passed and returned my pencil to my desk. All was silent in me as I processed what was tolling the bells of alarm in my ears. My eyes dragged with doubt to the circle of kids. I looked to Mrs Margoeth for leadership in this situation. She was perplexed by the new boy's request but then her kind smile affirmed he had the part. 

He was Jewish. The new kid was Jewish and wanted to be Jesus?

This did not compute in my 7 to 8 mind size. I squinted my eyes at him. The quiet new little skinny kid was now sparkling with enthusiasm like a new star in the sky. He was a cute little oddity. Did he even understand?

His big blue eyes and sunlight streaked cowlick looked all innocence and perfection for the role he was to play. I settled in to watch, realising Jesus himself was Jewish anyway.

I never looked away. This is when my obsession started as it pricked my heart and I stuck the charm there.

I never took my eyes off the new boy that day. Not that day or any day. I was obsessed and I pursued the obsession religiously all the way through high school's gates

School was mundane but bearable when I watched him.