Realisation

Epilogue

The night is pure and bright this evening as I sit by the lake and watch the stars skim the sky.

Even with tears burning my sight, the beauty takes my breath away and fills my heart with amazement.

Soft grasses rustle and sway in the breeze. The shallow water laps softly against the sand. Calmness is upon here. Yet my mind is alight, a bright beacon in this patch of un-dimming shadow.

I miss you, it is ever distracting. No matter how hard I try to lose myself in the twilight, my aching soul will not rest from dreaming.

I can hardly bear to stand with the weight of my loneliness holding me down. So here I sit night after night, wondering and breathing.

Small escapes, joy and light shining through this ink. This ink that is the memory of you. This stormy cloud raging around me.

~

Sometimes I wish the stars would just swallow me whole. I wonder what it's like up there in the sky. There's no way it could be worse than what's waiting for me down here.

It seems nothing awaits me now, I've thrown everything away and I am destined to be alone and lonely - cut off and struggling through the darkness.

The problem is forgetting, that's the hardest part. Sometimes I forget there's anything outside this small town. I don't need the rest of the world though, it has nothing to offer me. It hurts that there's so much out there that now means so little to me. When did my heart become so cold that it would not beat for love anymore?

It beats for nothing except keeping me alive. With my words I write emotions of love and joy and mask away the sadness that tries to seep through.

As always you are the focus, it seems my mind can never stray from missing you, even though you hurt me constantly, you are the breath that keeps me breathing.

Its funny that you are able to do so much, from so far away, even after all this time. My traitorous heart that aches for something that made it so broken.

Maybe that wasn't your fault though, maybe the shattering of life is on me. I did this to myself. That's how you always put it, this was my doing, if I didn't want it to be this way I shouldn't have done it to myself.

And it hurts, but I have nothing else to believe. It seems the only explanation. It hurts and I can't fix it, but that's my problem. My doing and my breaking and my pain. I deserve this.