Letters To Me

6th Of April 2018

This week: Walgett

This week has been amazing. I didn't cut, or think about suicide. But, I told my cousin about my depression. I didn't tell him the full extent of it, but I told him some. He didn't say the normal things like "it'll get better" and "You can always talk to me". It felt good to get it off my chest. In return, he told me some things about him. Like how he may have to get one kidney removed. I started crying after that. I was/ am so worried. But i'm so glad I got to see them. It reminded me about all the truly good times we have together as a group. Although they're in Queensland, and i'm in New South Wales, it was still comforting. 

I was driving this week. Im 14. I shouldn't be. But it was such a rush. And it was a way to forget everything. It was on private property, so don't worry. Not that you were. So I shared a room with my cousin. He kept farting. For a 13 year old boy, you'd think he have some control. It got so bad, that I told him that if you have to fart, you leave the room and stay outside for the next minute. 

And night times were the best. You could see all the stars. It honestly was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You could see planets, and supernovae and comets and shooting stars. I felt like i was in an alternate universe. It was so unrealistic, and beautiful. I could have sat there all night and stared. But I had one wish. Its cheesy, but it was that i was there with someone. I think it would've been kinda cool. Oh well. 

But there were downfalls from this week. I was so anxious and insecure all the time. My cousins are everything i'm not. They're funny, sort of nice, cool. I'm none of them. I was constantly feeling fat, ugly and dumb. And I missed my razor. Shit. 

Another con, was the fucking flies. They were everywhere. It was the worst thing. You should have seen the car door when we were leaving. It was 6:00 in the morning, and there were hundreds on the drivers door, and about 40 on the dash. It was revolting. 

Anyway. 

See ya.

-Tayla x