Skinny Love

twelve o'clock a.m.

 [this has been edited]

"They tell you a story has three parts. A beginning, a middle, and an end. What they will never tell you. Is that it has more. The beginning. The beginning of the beginning. The beginning of the beginning of the beginning. And so on and so forth. That's just their thing I guess. They never tell you what truly matters. And that fucking sucks. You would not believe just how much that fucking sucks."

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AN EXCERPT FROM 'THE UNALTERED TRUTH', WRITTEN BY LYDIA BEAU 12:45 A.M.

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IN THIS WORLD, there are no do over buttons. Once something's out there. It's out there. When you send an email, or write a suicide letter. There are just things in life that are impossible to redo.

And that's the beauty of it all, isn't it?

People will bullshit you all the time. They are going to tell you that once it's deleted, its gone, or that if you say sorry, the problem magically disappears. Thus, either they are actually mutants from way, way back trying to save us from some time anomaly, or they are just really stupid. If you do something, even by accident, it sticks. It stays looming over your head and it will know when the right time comes to pounce.

In retrospect, I should have been a better person. I was worse, though, before I met him. I was on the verge of illicit, but not in the way you're thinking. I didn't do drugs, and I didn't have sex every day with a different man. I was a bad person because I was malicious. I was unfair, and I was all in all rotten.

The real life human beings, especially him, that I treated like this. It sickens me now, looking back. I let one silly mistake turn whatever I was into whatever that was. I hurt people that didn't need to be hurt. No one that I so called "punished" needed that in their lives. I put it their for my own happiness. And I don't know why. Well, I do know why, and I do know why I chose those specific people, but nothing was linked. It was just me and sporadic harassing.

And this is what is the most revolting thing about me. The only person I never felt the need to be devious toward was him. From the moment I laid eyes on him. He wasn't different, though.He was actually extremely average. Nothing about him popped out to me, but something in me was attracted to him. Something in me changed for him.

And I'm not saying he was the one that changed me back to who I was before. He wasn't. I would like to think that I would have changed back without me, but he was a bonus to my story. More or less, it really was a spilt drink at a coffee shop and a couple of clothes that were a couple of sizes too big, and a house now shared. All he did was be there. He witnessed it. And he helped me through it.

Don't understand?

You will. I promise you, you will.

♀ ♂♀ ♂

The clock read 2:50 A.M and I was seriously about to lose my mind. Staring at the fake stars and pale blue birds that lined my bedroom wall became dull when you finally realized that you weren't going to sleep that night. And trust me when I tell you this; you can have all the chamomile tea and classical music in the world, but if neither was going to result in a well-earned nap, then it was all for naught.

Slipping out of bed in only a worn out Gravity Falls t-shirt and pink footie pajama bottoms, I went through a couple of corridors, making sure not to step on the 23rd floorboard because it creaked and pulled on boots and a heavy jacket that didn't quite exactly match anything else I was wearing, but it didn't matter. I wasn't going anywhere special. I was headed off to the local diner that served twenty four hours.