Skinny Love

seven o'clock a.m.

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake." [...] “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of  a copy of a copy.”

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EDWARD NORTON, FIGHT CLUB

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SOMETIMES, WHEN I WAKE UP, when my eyelids finally open to welcome a new day, or a continuing night, I feel like a fire has ignited, and the day is going in reverse suspending the colors of twilight in the air. Everything feels like a beginning. But that's only sometimes. The rest of the time, when I awake, the fire has just died out, only the cinders giving reference that it was ever there, and the night time sky has taken place of the beautiful horizon, giving off an ending feeling.

When I woke up today, my head and my heart were pounding, and a wet towel fell from my forehead. I assumed Adam had put it there to cool down whatever fever I had and I felt immediately guilty, wondering how long he had stayed up to make sure I wasn't over a hundred degrees. My hands were clutching the bed sheets and even though I couldn't remember it, I knew I had been dreaming about something akin to a nightmare.

Sunlight, despite the weather and winter season, was filtering into the room, making it seem cozy when I bet that if I stayed here another minute, my legs would probably freeze and fall off. From downstairs, I faintly heard male and female voices merging together.

I left his room to go wash my face and almost puked at the sight I saw in front of the mirror. There were deep bags under my eyes and my hair had a greasy look to it. My eyelids were half closed, making everything around me seem blurry and my face was like a ghost; chalky white, from the temperature outside and the sickness I had developed. I brushed my teeth using my finger, which seems impossible but I took my sweet time. 

Felicity was in Adam's room when I came back, typing something on a mini laptop. Her hair was thrown up in  bun and she was still in the same t shirt and loose trousers I had seen her in while we were watching the Disney movie earlier today. When she noticed that I was awake, she looked at me carefully and with a calculated look. "You're awake."

I gave her a look. "I wasn't in bed. Of course I'm awake."

"I'm going to go get my brother."

"You do that," I croaked, collapsing back onto Adam's bed. After today, I don't think I knew where we stood. It was only one sentence that she told me that was even relative to a nice and genuinely caring comment, but I didn't mind. I much preferred this version of Felicity than any other.

And as much as I wanted to, I don't think I disliked her anymore. But we weren't friends. We were in the gray zone and I think I hated that just as much as most people hated sand getting stuck to their skin, or their tea getting cold. 

When Adam came up about a minute later, I knew I was right. "You're awake," he said mimicking his sister. It was times like these where I actually noticed the resemblance. 

"No duh, I replied and wiped my forehead. I probably looked even more like a mess than I had when I first woke up, what with my untamed bedhead and my likely blotchy face. I stared at Adam, who's disheveled hair was the only sign that he was asleep only a few hours ago. Other than that, he had changed out of his clothes and was now wearing a light pink button down and black jeans. I lied back down on the bed, covering myself his covers, my fever induced sleep not wearing off just yet.

"What time is it?" I moaned out. I would have checked the clock myself, but my eyes didn't want to focus. It all felt loose and out of place, even though I assumed this was what people with glasses felt like when it was taken off. I wouldn't know.