Skinny Love

three o'clock a.m.

"The thing about being awkward and silent is that everyone thinks it's cute. That it is the most fucking adorable thing in the world to be nervous around groups or have a speech problem."I break off to laugh- so much its on the verge of hysterical. "I never once told anyone that being awkward was beautiful. Not to my littlest sister, who can't even walk down the fucking hallway of her school without being bullied to death because she has no friends. Not to my mom, who gets made fun of by her boss because she doesn't speak proper and grammar correct English. Now I'm not laughing so much as dry sobbing. "And most definitely not to Adam Hale. It wasn't beautiful that he was awkward and nervous all the god damn time. It wasn't beautiful at all."The tape suddenly cuts off.

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AUDIO ENTRY # 1 LYDIA BEAU . 2:12 A.M YESTERDAY.

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I AWOKE WITH A START. I slept. Actually closed my eyes and felt my body slip into unconsciousness and it felt divine. Surprisingly enough, it was Adam Hale's messages that awoke me the next morning at 9:30 A.M, meaning I was missing school. I could frankly care less. I had never missed a day of school in three years. One absence wasn't going to put me on the expulsion radar. It wasn't messages that woke me so much as voice mails. 

3:12 A.M. "...Lydia Beau? Why didn't you pick up when I called? ... Never mind. Doesn't matter."

3:17 A.M. "I was kidding. Lydia Beau it does matter. Where are you? Are you-"

3:18 A.M. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I accidentally hung up. Are you okay though? Pick up the phone, Lydia Beau."

3:20 A.M. "I'd ask if you were sleeping, but I doubt you are. Are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?"

3:27 A.M. "..."

3:33 A.M. "Is this because of Felicity? I'm sorry about her. If you would just let me explain ... I'm sorry. Please come to the coffee shop. I'll explain everything there."

3:56 A.M. "Lydia Beau, I'm going home."

7:42 A.M. "You missed the bus, Lydia Beau."

As I relayed each message again, I almost felt the sadness in his voice. I felt like tearing myself apart at how simple and dry the last two messages were, how devoid of any human emotion. It flared up an emotion that I had felt all too many times. It flared up anger. I was mad at him. There was a wildfire in my brain, threatening to make me sick. How dare Adam Hale make me feel guilty about the one thing I needed most? I needed sleep, and here he was, making it seem like I was the god damn bad guy.

And then came the guilt. And the sadness. And the annoying piece of me that was taunting me because yet again, I lost someone I had barely just got into my life.

I tried calling him. All I had left was a twenty three year old man who my mom didn't even let me visit (I did it secretly anyways but that was besides the point) and two elderly's at a coffee shop. I didn't have Calliope or Jordan, if all the death threats on facebook were anything to go by. 'You are such a bitch.' 'How could you be that much of an asshole to your own two friends.' 'Calliope is a sweetheart. You must be like, gay or something not to like her you shit.' He was the only friend I had left who's in my age group, which is pretty pathetic. And then I realized how stupid I was being. He was obviously already in school and-

"Hello Lydia Beau." His voice sounded empty, defeated. Who knew losing one friend could do that to a person. Don't ask me. I lost two. 

"Adam, I'm sorry. I fell asleep and-"