All Those Words

Chapter 20

Calysta

Victor does call me down. He tells me that I should talk to my mother but I'm not ready. All I feel is fear, hurt and anger toward the woman who thinks she can still call herself me her daughter. She left without reason. She never called or showed up for years. Now she's back when I have a family and she's ruining it for me. I don't think the rest of my siblings will ever forgive me. And it makes me angrier at her.

Victor leads me down the stairs, leaving Asa to handle the other kids. He promises that he'll explain everything to them. And even though I tell him that it's my story to explain, I hope that he will because I'm too scared to confront them in the fear that they won't understand.

"Callie," Victor says softly as he leads me through the living room. "I can't imagine what you're feeling right now and I'm you want me to stay in the room while you talk to her-"

"I want you to stay," I cut him off as we enter the kitchen.

I find Deb and Kristen – I won't call her my mother again – sitting at the kitchen counter. They've still been hospitable to her by giving her a cup of hot coffee and some of the cookies I made earlier. I feel the urge to yank the tray away and tell her that she can't have any but I know it'll be childish.

"I hear Vance named you Calysta," Kristen says as soon as Victor sits me down next to her. "I like Carmen better but he never did listen to me-"

"I like Calysta better," I mutter with a cold stare directed at the floor.

Her smile falters but she recovers quickly. I can feel her willing Victor and Deb to leave; it's practically oozing off her but I want them to stay. I'm scared to be alone with her. I'm scared of what she might tell me if they aren't here. And I'm scared of what I might say to her because I've grown to hate her over the years – for leaving dad and me when we needed her. I blame all those fears because I truly believe that Asa has helped me get over my social anxiety. I have been talking to people more, provided that they aren't strangers but this lady is. Even if she gave birth to me, she's still a stranger.

"You've grown into such a beautiful young woman," she continues to persuade me into talking to her. "I hear you have the highest GPA in your class."

I manage a side glance at Victor. He looks like he's trying to take deep breaths in between to calm himself down. It makes me wonder whether he hates her as much as I do. After all, my father was his brother so he'd have to hate the woman who turned her back on him, right?

"Where have you applied for college?" she asks and I narrow my eyes at her.

Has she come here for small talk or does she have an actual reason for barging into my life and turning it upside down?

"You really don't want to talk to me, huh?" she says and I look at Victor and Deb.

I'm not sure what they see in my eyes when they decide to reply to her instead. But whatever the reason may be, I'm glad that they know me enough to make an excuse.

"Callie has a bit of a social phobia," Deb tells her. "She takes time to open up to new people."

Kristen doesn't even try to hide her surprise. By the looks of her, she's probably a social butterfly and I make that assumption by the number of times her phone buzzed in the five minutes I've been sitting with her. So she probably wonders how her daughter is the complete opposite. Her leaving played a big role in my social anxiety but she wouldn't even think of that.

"She's going to Florida State for social works," Victor tells her. "She wants to help kids like her siblings find good homes."

I'm suddenly bored by the conversation. I didn't come down for small talk or a little chit chat over coffee. And I'm sure that Victor brought me to talk to her so that I can ask her the questions that have haunted me my whole life, not so she can find out things about the daughter she left at birth.

"Why're you here?" I murmur and all of their attention is now on me. "What do you want?"

My heart is ramming against my rib cage so hard, it's a wonder they can't hear it. I've wiped my sweaty hands over my jeans at least five times and my throat is closing up before I can even get my words out.

"I came to see my daughter," she says and those words are enough to fill me with rage because I know it's not true.

"You abandoned me at a hospital and didn't contact me for seventeen years," I point out, all my fears suddenly taken over by anger. "Why would you want to see me now?"

"Callie," Victor says from beside me but it's not a warning, he's trying to tell me to calm down.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me," she says and I can't help but let out a short humorless laugh.

"You're right, I don't," I tell her. "I spent years wondering where you were and why you didn't want me. And then dad died and you still didn't come for me. What's so special about today, huh? Why did you come today?"

"Cal," Deb says and I realize that tears are streaming down my face.

I stop and look at Kristen. Her eyes are moist but there's no other sign of hurt or remorse for what she's done. She doesn't look like she feels guilty or like anything I've said even makes a dent in her emotionless façade. She doesn't answer my question and it only makes my blood boil more. I deserve answers.

"Fine, then tell me why you left." I stare her straight in the eyes. "Tell me why you abandoned me at the hospital on the same day you gave birth to me. Dad said the last thing you texted him was the hospital's name but he didn't reply. You didn't even know that he would come for me because you left him when you got pregnant."

I feel Victor's hand go over my knee and I try my hardest not to sob. He's still here for me. He always has been. And Deb is no different. They always put me first, helped me when I was in trouble, held me when I cried for my parents, knew that something was wrong even if I didn't say anything, bought me things they thought I needed or wanted.

"Why did you have me if you never wanted me?" I ask her, my eyelids heavy and my eyes swollen. "You could have terminated the pregnancy. It would have saved you from all of this."

Victor's hand flinches in reaction to words and I feel bad for saying something like that. My dad and even Victor and Deb have always been there for me. They never made me feel unwanted or unloved. Saying that I shouldn't have been born is wrong when I had three people who loved me more than words could explain. And so I know what I need to do.

"Just leave, okay?" I say through my tears because it's obvious that she isn't going to answer any of my questions. "I already have a family. I don't need you anymore. I have siblings and I have a dad who loves me more than you ever will and I have a mom who won't leave me like you did."

My throat aches almost as much as my heart does. The tears don't stop and I wonder how I can shed so many, especially over someone who never cried for me. So I stand up, my chair screeching back and Victor's hand falling to his side.

I no longer care that I've hurt her. I know it's wrong and I should have dealt with the situation with care but I can't. I refuse to. I can't feel anything for this lady except hate. She doesn't even want to answer my questions or make up for what she's done so she doesn't deserve to even get to know me. She doesn't deserve anything.

"Mom, dad." I no longer feel the ache in my chest when I call them that. "Make her leave. I never want to see her again."

Then I turn around and walk out of the kitchen and out of her life. Just like she did to me.