Just Writing Randomness II || C:\Users\the_Ghost

Wandering Mind

As I float here, in a mental limbo, after the sun goes down and the night is all around, I begin to wander. My thoughts drift to the experiences of the day, exciting or (usually) rather dull. I think about what I have learned, what has changed in me, all from one day. These hours are when I am the most at peace. There is no need to think, or to feel. Yet I do. On my own terms, in my own way. The thoughts and lessons of the day that swirled about in a maelstrom every minute the sun was out...now get to rest. They can now resolve themselves in full. Or simply hibernate until the next day.

I might float to memories of people, family, friends. Everyone I care about. I think about how, when push comes to shove, I would do anything for them. Dying is the least of my worries, that is, until I realize someone might actually be saddened by my passing.

I breathe deeply, letting the still night permeate my soul. I may become tired, and yet, I feel like staying up forever. In this quiet world of night that I never want to end. This world in which I am free. Liberated enough to be myself. With no one watching, no one's opinions to worry about, and a universe where time seems to stand still, I can really be me. I can lie back on my bed and look into the air to just dream. Whether about the future, the past. Or the present.

Alas, not all of this blissful wandering is easy or, well, honestly; blissful. There comes a point when I inevitably turn to myself. When I focus on myself, things turn somewhat harsh. I peer into my own fears and weaknesses. I construct ideas on how to end them. But all I really wind up doing is lamenting. Lamenting over the sheer difficulty in starting personal change. There are so many things that I want to change...but I am too weak to do any of it. I often chalk it up to circumstance, to being too busy.

April 28, 2018