Illusion

01 | Illusion

"I've been watching you," a voice across the room told me what I've been suspecting all along — I didn't look to good, "for a few weeks now." he added.

My roommate then got up from his bed, went and sat cross-legged at the foot of my bed. It was an effort for him, I know. Crossing over to somebody else's part of the room is like being on international waters — anything could happen to you, especially if you are caught by a professor.

"I've badly wanted to talk to you for a long time now, actually," Kaiser went on. "I just didn't want you getting hurt more than you already are. But seeing you mopey right now kind of made me wish I had talked to you sooner, instead of taking a breath..."

I studied him for a while. I seem to have been doing a lot nowadays. I guess I could say we've shared and fought for some principles already but that's all there is to it. We see eye to eye on everything except on the theory of evolution which is still hogwash to me. Kaiser is the most patient listener to the most senseless words you can say, gives you advice when you need it, and tell you without regret who you exactly are in the right time and place.

Yeah, he's like that and I'm the kind of guy who brings fabric roses and say: "Only when the petals starts to fall will I stop loving you." I'm so hopeless, no kidding.

"...I just don't like seeing you waste your life on someone not worth your while. Don't get me wrong Al, she's a nice girl and all but what's she done to you so far?"

"Maybe sometimes we just have to make all the effort to make other people realize their shortcomings," I reasoned, earning a grimace from my friend.

"I know, but I see things differently. You've done enough. Changing her is beyond you. You're going for the wrong girl Al, the wrong sort for you. It's time for you to stop and quit getting hurt."

He got up and went back to his bed. I smiled bravely at him.

"Thanks bro," I murmured. " That's what I've told myself. Over and over but can I help it if she's everywhere? I can't even forget her for a night."

"Try even harder Al, somebody fit for your efforts will soon come along, just wait."

I heaved a breath and closed my eyes but it was a long time before sleep ever came to me.

It all began in late November. It was cold.

The day started out quite normally. That meant History was our very first subject and our teacher was the same batty old lady who spoke in a slow and droning voice that bored us all senseless. Her class was held in a sort of dingy room, filled to the ceiling with artifacts a Cro-Magnon would have been proud of, which didn't help. This subject was by majority voting, the most boring of all time.

But of course, the vacant hours were the only times that meant anything to me. Those were the times I could find serenity in the pathway, a place which provided relief to my empty soul.

The avenue was bordered on opposite sides with benches that faced each other. It had trees and was guarded by neatly trimmed hedges. In between of course was the cobbled walk itself that teemed with the occupants of the two dormitories of the university trooping to their respective colleges every morning. And every night it was were students poured out the contents of their existence and being to another soul. Where the early evenings the moment and ultimately lives where shared; where hearts learn to love; to be chipped and broken, to heal, and to learn to trust again.

Now a short distance from the school building, mainly accessible through this avenue, were the dormitories. Although prudery remained only as a value and no longer as a way of life — something used to impress the young — the men and women's dorm remained in two separate buildings. The mess hall, the student government office, and clinic, stood between the two houses. Each has its own path which joined only at the avenue.

On that certain afternoon, I was in complete solitude until she came and proved a serious distraction. I tried really hard on the life and madness around me; the children of the university staff chasing each other around, the students moving from one building to the next, but my eyes kept on straying. I mean, she had a face that made me feel I need a three hundred proof drink just so I could have the right to stare. It reminded me of the time our Calculus teacher turned around with a flip of her hair and everyone just forgot to breathe. Then I noticed she was crying and thought it odd she was making no sound.

People crying, people laughing was part of the stories this place would tell those who would care to listen. I only hoped someday it would tell my story.

Avoiding girls was my sole occupation — especially crying ones. I just hate it when people go mushy around me, that's all. But this one looks lonely. I mean, she was alone. And by alone, I mean literally alone. No one was in her vicinity that you would often mistaken to be one of her peers.

It was actually frustrating to see them huddled wherever you go. I'm beginning to think it's a conspiracy so you can never have a word with anyone without the rest eavesdropping and giggling at you.

To ignore her that time might have been better. After all it was no business of mine and if high school taught me anything it was that we were no longer in the middle-ages. Girls could sue you for harassment anytime just for helping them out. But there were those movies where the boy consoles the damsel and it simply bothered me more than I dared to admit. I racked my brains for an excuse to support the movie theory. I came up with nothing.

But even as I tried to decide what to do, an irresistible feeling came over me that I couldn't explain. I couldn't think of anything more except be in her presence, hold her hand, and stay that way. My feet were amazingly buoyant as I took what was perhaps the longest walk of my life. It was surreal; my mind was in a haze for the right words until I reached her side.

I sat down.

"Here," I offered my hankie. I actually needed it more badly and a script than she did; I was sweating bullets and at a lost for words.

A pair of startled eyes looked at me but then they mellowed and she took the hankie. "Thanks," she sniffed and dabbed her eyes.

"Alright now?" I asked.

Actually, I couldn't think of anything that might console her and I didn't expect she'll answer anyway.

"Yeah," she said. "I just miss my family, I guess."

My parents were also away. I nodded in sympathy.

Presently, she stopped crying, not that she had been sobbing. She was simply sitting there with tears streaming down her cheeks. But then an embarrassing silence followed. I fidgeted around for a while not really making any attempts for a conversation. People say it best through silence so I watched instead the same students drape Christmas lights over the hedges, singing out-of-tune carols.

"Uh, I'd best get along now," I decided after all my presence no longer seemed necessary. "It's nearing vacation, you'll see them soon." I began walking away without waiting for an answer.

"Hey!"

I looked back and she was running after me. I waited as she came with my handkerchief.

"Don't worry, I didn't sneeze on it," she said as I took it.

"Right," I had to laugh quietly, and jammed it into my pocket.

"Wait," she said after a pause. "Who might you be?"

I stopped short. Only then I have realized that I haven't introduced myself, stupid me. I guess all through it all I still wanted to remain a complete stranger to her, and I've done my good deed of the day. Giving her my name would've been too much of a sacrifice. I cleared my throat and thought carefully. "I'm just... a guy," I told her. "Nothing more."

I could see the disappointment in her face. I turned away yet again. "Well, I'm Kay... in case you wanted to know." she murmured.

I raised a hand and went on.