Descending || m.c.

Chapter 5

Hadley's POV 

2:48 PM

I hadn't been able to sleep when the boys left; I laid in bed for over an hour, tossing and turning while listening to the hum of the appliances in the kitchen along with Liz fumbling around the house. It wasn't long before I gave up, getting out of the bed to search my suitcases for a swimsuit. I had grabbed my phone before leaving my room and let myself out the sliding glass doors that led to the pool where I now sat three hours later. 

My feet dangle in the water, my teary eyes fixated on the end of this damn book AJ had sent me. I could swear I had been crying for the past hour and a half. I remember being reluctant to even pick up The Fault In Our Stars much less read it, but if AJ had read it no doubt I would enjoy it. She definitely could have given me a warning however that I could have doubled the size of this pool with the amount of tears I had shed; tears from how sad this book was and how sad it made me that two cancer patients could have such a cute, somewhat normal relationship and it seemed like I couldn't have one at all. It was stupid, really. I shouldn't envy two fictional teenagers in a book, but they had something I wanted. They had someone to care and someone that wanted them enough to deal with each other and to just all around be there for each other. I wanted that more than anything, and sure, I could have had it too but there was only one person that I really wanted.

The doors behind me slid open. "Hadley?" Liz spoke. "We need to leave in about ten minutes." I hurriedly wiped the tears away from my eyes, turning to her and hoping she'd somehow think my face was red from the sun. "Hadley, are you okay?" She took a step out and squinted as the sun beamed down on her.

"Yeah, Liz, I'm fine," I almost whispered. "I just finished a book and it was sad, that's all." I brought my legs up out of the pool and up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. She took a seat in the chairs closest to me, her hands on her lap. I could feel her eyeing the tattoo that ran up my side, a tree with fallen leaves around the base stretching from just above my hips to almost the bottom of my bikini top. She gave off the impression that she never liked my tattoos, but I chose to ignore it; it was my body not hers.

"Hadley, I may have raised three boys but I am a woman myself; something's not okay," she said, smiling at me tenderly.

"I, uh, I just don't know if I'm up for going to the boys' concert tonight, that's all," I said. "I kinda just wanna stay in."

"Hadley are you sure that's what's wrong? You can't just not go to their show; you know how much they love having you there.."

"That's just it. I mean we're always going somewhere, I just wanna stay in and have a night to myself and not think about all the stupid stuff going through my head, though surely that's what will happen anyways because I'll be alone and I won't be distracted enough to block it out. And that's exactly what's going through my head, stupid, stupid stuff that won't go away because I can't be brave enough to speak up and just let it all out--"

"Hadley, breathe--"

"--but I just don't know how to do it, I don't know how to admit it to anyone, not even myself. Isn't that pathetic, Liz?" I laughed at myself a little, trying to will away the tears that were forming again. I had snapped, and now there was no stopping me from rambling off every little thing inside my head. "I'm so pathetic. I'm literally so pathetic, like I put up this strong front and I hide how I feel. I could be the saddest person in the room but I would still hide it just to make others happy, Liz. And I'm not happy and I'm not sad, but I'm really upset because I like Michael and he just sees me as his best friend and it hurts so bad and I can't do anything about it; I can't fix it and I just wanna run away sometimes." My mouth drops open and my hands clamp over my mouth as the last few tears spill over my cheeks. 

"Hadley, wow--"

"Please don't tell him," I say immediately. "Don't tell Michael, oh my god, I didn't even mean to admit that to you."

"So Michael doesn't know how you feel?" she asks and I shake my head, fighting not to start crying again. Crying made me more pathetic; I hardly ever cried this hard, but when I did it was difficult to stop. "Why not just tell him? The worst he could say is that--"

"That he doesn't feel the same? Literally that would be the worst thing he could do; I really like Michael. Like, I like him a lot. Michael just makes me so happy I can't just have him tell me he doesn't like me back." I sniffle, lying my head on top of my folded arms. "Everyone keeps telling me just to tell him..."

"I'm sorry.." Liz trailed off. "I still think you should come to their show, Hadley. It would mean a lot to them and to Michael; trust me, it helps them even more having a friend there rather than just Luke's mum." I laugh slightly and nod. "They all love you a lot, I hope you know."

"Yeah, I know," I smile as I stood up. "I s-should probably go change."

"So you're coming?" she asks.

"I may as well; I don't want Michael thinking something's wrong," I shrug, watching a pained expression flash over her face. "Promise me you won't tell him, Liz."

"I won't," she smiles. "But think about telling him, please. You never know what could come of it." I nod, agreeing with her to dismiss the subject. I grab my phone and head back into the house. This was the last thing I wanted to think of and would be the first to cross my mind when I saw Michael within the next thirty minutes; I didn't want to think of it during the in between moments too.

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