GOOD DOG || Sirius Black

(Forty Two: Will and Won't)

"So? How did it go?"

Sirius' expression was far too enthusiastic and hopeful as he followed Alex back into her room at the end of the day. Alex would have rather died than admitted that seeing Logan had probably been the best thing in the world except for the grin on Sirius' face when she had presented him with her meal, or that she was now seriously debating dropping the potion, just for a day, to see what happened. As it was, she could already feel its effects slipping away, draining out of her body and leaving her with a whole new ball of emotions that she didn't know what to do with. 

She opted for the childish option, screwing everything up into a frustrated squiggle that aimed itself at Sirius Black.

She shrugged, "It was fine."

"Fine?" Sirius' shoulders dropped, "Is that all?"

"Yeah." Alex shrugged again, not sure what to add.

Sirius refused to be put off, "Mario Kart? I'm down to Baby Peach now, and I have a good feeling about Koopa Kape."

Alex looked at him for a moment. This had been a mistake, letting Sirius in, letting him barrel into her life with his grins and his inexplicable need to make people laugh and the odd sweetness he seemed to show her. It was a huge, red marker-ed 'X' in the column of bad decisions.

"Just so you know, I'm done with the prophecy, so you can stop following me around like a lost dog." She pulled a face, "No pun intended."

"That was the only reason you put up with me?" Sirius glanced at the ground. If Alex hadn't known better, she would have said he was hurt, "The prophecy?"

"Fuck the prophecy." Alex allowed some of the harshness to slip through. She wasn't looking at him, she couldn't, "I did what I had to do to keep Logan safe, to keep my family safe. And now, Logan's safest away from me and my family aren't an issue anymore."

"So that's it?" Sirius asked incredulously, "You're throwing in the towel, just like that?"

Alex let out a breath of frustrated air, "I'm not throwing in the towel, I've thrown it in, past tense. I'm done."

"This isn't what we do." Sirius moved towards her, somewhat desperately, "We keep going, we keeping fighting-"

Alex made a noise she wasn't sure she had ever made before. Nevertheless, it made Sirius shut up for long enough to see the raw and brutal honesty in her eyes, "I am sick and tired of going out there and fighting and fighting and winning and celebrating when we all know what happens next is more fighting. Can't I just lose? Just this once. Haven't I earned that? I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep. I admit defeat. The universe wins. I'm finished."

The horrible, awful thing about growing up in the real world is that you all want to be heroes, and you're encouraged to want that until you want it so much that your whole life seems to revolve around the idea of make believing you're this amazing, impossible person.

And no one ever tells you that heroes don't exist.

And you can never become one.

And none of them are coming to save you.

"There's nothing I can do to talk you out of this, is there?" Sirius asked. 

Alex shook her head wordlessly. 

She was aware that her raised voice must have caught the attention of the Marauders gathered downstairs, planning a weekend sleepover at the Potter's. As if her sudden awareness of their presence had alerted him, James' voice drifted from downstairs, "Hey, Padfoot! You ready?"