Here By Choice [Suga x Male Reader]

Four

My hearts been broken 2 times in my life. And both by the same man.
Once, when I was thirteen. Yoongi and I had known each other for roughly 11 years when it happened: he had his first girlfriend.
He hadn't told me he had liked her and one day we were laughing having fun and I was trying not to fall in love with his smile...with his eyes, with his humour or with him in general. I had been falling so hard for him that it felt like he was leaning towards me too, smiling at me more, laughing more and standing or sitting closer to me. But I'd just deluded myself.
Because the next day he was making out with a girl at our lockers. Unfortunately ours were right beside each other.
I hadn't gotten any of my books that day. In fact, I hadn't gone to classes, I'd simply turned on my heel and went to the forest behind our school, hid, and cried. He hadn't seen any of my pain then, because I was determined to get over someone who would never love me.
I honestly don't know how long or how much I'd cried in the six months they had lasted.

The second, was when he had decided he was too cool for childhood friends.
It had been a grey and dark day, the exact type of day I absolutely loved. But I knew he hated them, but he had never told me why.
I had been noticing the differences in his attitude, they way he would quickly say hello and goodbye to me in the mornings before classes. Always ditching me before many people could see us together.
Then, it felt as if I blinked, and he was gone from my life. He'd cut me out in a way that left him clean and stain free but I was mangled and bleeding.

I'd broken my own heart twice, not him. He'd just lived his life and it wasn't his fault I had clung too hard to the irrational feeling of loving him. The first time I'd fooled myself into thinking I had a chance with him, I'd swan dived head first into my affection for him and instead of landing safely in it I'd hit the ice covering it.
I never had a chance with him, and I would never have a chance with him. Where he was amazing and attractive I was average and ugly. And Yoongi didn't like unattractive people.

The second time, I'd assumed he would always be my best friend and I'd assumed he felt that way about me and yet...he left my life so quickly that he had torn a Min Yoongi shaped hole in me, and it's only just begun to scab over. Yet now he's picking at it, playing with the scab with a sharp javelin instead of a stick.

I don't know how many times my heart can be stepped on before it'll buckle under and shatter into thousands of glass shards inside of me. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll cut up my insides and kill me.

I stared at the clock by my side. It's red glaring words said "2:35am" and I could hear Hobi rustle around in his bed and I felt a strong envy for him.
He was attractive, he was sweet, kind and intelligent. If Yoongi was to fall for any male it wouldn't be me. It would be him.
I felt a sharp pair of scissors slowly press down into my heart, and oh so carefully snip my heart strings.
I held back my sobs though, I refuse to cry now.

For an instant my fingers twitched and I could feel the intense instinct to get my razor and slice.
For a moment I gave in, sitting up to look for it before remembering Hobi's joy. His tears.
He was happy today, if you get up tomorrow with cuts he'll be sad. You'll make him cry.
A war ensued between my conscious and my desire.

Standing, I rifle through the drawer until I feel the cool metal at my fingers and I pull out my razor. I walk to my window and open it, the moon glinting off the sharp edges of the metal and I stroke the edge, feeling the metal almost break my skin but simply skim over it.
I can feel the anticipation in my body, as if my gravitational pull has shifted and this little piece of sharp metal is keeping me on the ground.
I can get rid of this pain in my heart. I can make myself feel better.

So I stick my hand out the window, and drop it.
But you won't make Hobi happy. You'll make him sad, and you can't do that. Don't make him sad, make him happy. He deserves it. Not you.