Here By Choice [Suga x Male Reader]

Five

My eyes open slowly, my eyelids like sandpaper. I glance at my (f/c) curtains and see dim light filtering through. I push myself up onto my elbows, surprised when I don't feel the usual burning that accommodates my cuts, but then the scene flashes back in my mind, and I see myself dropping my razor, the glinting of the metal as it falls onto the dormitory grounds bushes underneath. The craving grips me again, as bad as an itch, and I grit my teeth, the soothing feeling of my skin being sliced plays in my head like a video, the blood blooming like a morbid flower. 

But I promised myself I wouldn't, for Hobi. My first priority in life is to make him happy, from now on my only job in life is to make him happy, in any way I can, and that includes burying my real self, and becoming the me that I know he'll be happy to see.  It wasn't his fault he got stuck with the suicidal guy for his roommate, I shouldn't make it his problem. 

~One Month Later~

*Hobi POV*

I can't tell what's different about him...Lately, he's seemed more content, more....relaxed. Images flash inside my head, (Y/n) a few months ago when the bags under his eyes were plum purple, his long sleeves never lifted a centimeter, and if it somehow did, his (e/c) eyes would flash with pure fear and dart around to see if anyone somehow saw. When he was sure no one had, he would calmly go back to normal. He had attempted suicide a few times, and I had discovered him every time, I know it's rude or harsh to think he was overdramatic over a guy who didn't like him, but  I know that that isn't the case. There's obviously something else behind his depression, maybe it wasn't even caused by something specific, he could just be one of the unlucky people who just have depression. Or something could have happened to him in the past that maybe he blocked out, or maybe just didn't want to talk about or remember. I always was careful to not push him for answers, if he wanted to tell me, he can, and if he doesn't, I can just try to make him feel better. 

But now he...he's like a different person. The bags under his eyes aren't completely gone, but you can't tell they're there unless you look closely. He smiles more, although he eyes don't often express the same emotion, he's....better. It scares me. I tend to be observant of people who interest me or matter to me, and he falls under both categories, and I can say confidently that he's hiding something, he's...trying to heal himself, maybe? I don't quite know, but something has changed, and I don't like it, he isn't himself, he's complacent and he always has a fake smile on, he agrees with everything I say, he doesn't bring up or apparently pay attention to Min Yoongi anymore. I don't like it. 

But I haven't been only paying attention to him, I have also been watching Min Yoongi this past month or so, and he's been getting angrier, more sullen and...unhappy. I obviously don't understand that either, but I do understand that he's showing interest in (Y/c). He shoots daggers at me occasionally, watches over (Y/c) sometimes, but he keeps himself at a distance, obviously having learned from what happened when he approached him last. But the most important thing that I've noticed is he keeps playing with a white lighter, flicking it on and off all the time, so often that when I see him flick it on now, I'm sure it isn't that same one from a week ago, or maybe even a month ago. He's been losing weight too, and although I really am angry at him for hurting (Y/c) this much, I really can't understand what his problem is. 

I pop another pill into my mouth, closing the ibuprofen bottle, and slipping it into my backpack as I drink water, swishing the pill into my stomach, my head pounding. (Y/c) vaguely asks if I'm alright and I nod, wanting to scream "What about you? You clearly aren't okay! Please be honest with me, I thought we were friends!" at him. My heart squeezing as a little voice whispers "He obviously thinks you're not a good enough friend to help him anymore...he doesn't trust you. He doesn't want to be close to you anymore..." in my ear, and I down a few more pills, praying for them to kick in as I jiggle my leg in anxiety.