I'll Protect You, I Promise

Cards on the Table

Neither dared to speak. That would make it too real and that was something neither one could afford. The two men sat there in the cockpit, lips sealed, and gazes fixated onto the skyline.

It wasn't much to look at, just clouds floating with a navy coat above them. Somehow, it was better than what was beside them. They were each going to get to lose the best part and worst part of themselves and they weren't ready.

Bucky glanced over at Steve and frowned. Steve's eyes were filled with tears and those were worth thousands of words to Bucky. He knew that Steve would do almost anything for him, he just hadn't really know why until now. It was simple. There was a great deal of love shared between the two of them, both unspoken and spoken.

He turned back to look at the sky, trying to shake the conversation that he had started with himself. He glanced over at Steve and sighed.

"Hey," he said softly.

Oh, this is not a good idea. He told himself, but it was bound to happen one way or another.

Steve stiffened and quickly wiped away his tears. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry," He whispered. "I'm sorry I have to put you through this if there was another way, I swear, I would do it."

"You don't have to apologize, Buck" Steve whispered. "It's not your fault."

Buck. Oh, God, please don't make me break his heart. Not again. I can't do that again. Bucky prayed. What good it would do, he wasn't sure, but he was desperate and anything would help.

"Yes," Bucky responded gravely. "There are a lot of things that are my fault. I was the one who fell. I was the one who left you first. It's my fault."

"Don't say that." Steve pleaded.

"I have to."

"Please," Steve muttered, heart breaking a little more with every word, "Please, don't."

Bucky held back tears. "Steve I-"

He stopped, if he spoke another word, he wouldn't be able to stop. All of his desperation, his fear, his love, would come tumbling out without a filter and if that were to happen here would be concequences. Instead. He shut his mouth and forced the words down into his stomach where they became a black hole.

"Bucky, it wasn't your fault. Nothing is your fault. How could you even think that? And even if it is, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." Steve stated.

Bucky looked at him with disdain. "You should. You deserve better." He paused and looked down. "You deserve Sharon."

Bucky felt his stomach drop. Oh God. Forgive me. Please. I don't want to hurt him. I just have to protect him.

Steve felt his fingers go numb. He saw the look that Bucky held in his eyes. It wasn't hatred or anything remotely close to wanting to hurt him. He saw nothing sinister. But Sharon? Did he really think so little of himself?

"No,"

Bucky turned to him. "God, Steve. Don't you see what I do to you? I made you tear apart your friends. You're a fugitive! I'm poison and I can't seem to stop hurting you. You have to let me go."

Steve was quiet for a minute. His jaw was clenched and his wheels were turning. Bucky studied him, feeling the knot in his stomach tighten.

Steve looked up at him, "You think," He said slowly, "That you made me do anything? You think that you hurt me?"

His voice was full of disgust and his eyes were full of fire.

"You are not the worst part of my life, Bucky. I carry that part inside of me. You don't do anything to me, but make me not able to think." Steve shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, a wicked grin on his face. "Bucky, I love you. Why don't you understand? Why can't you accept it? I love you! "

"You don't understand." Bucky whimpered.

Steve growled, "Then make me."

"But you won't love me anymore."

"Are you really that stupid? I will love you no matter what! Till the end of the line! Don't you remember?"

"Steve!" Bucky yelled. "I don't want to break your heart again and if I say that I love you, when I go under I'm afraid that you won't be able to handle it."

Steve looked over at Bucky, his face softening. "You love me?"

"Yes!" Bucky groaned and ran his hand through his hair.

"What's wrong, Buck." Steve pleaded, "Talk to me."

Bucky pursed his lips, willing his tears not to fall. He blinked a few times and looked at the ceiling as if the answer to his problems was there.

"Please don't make me." He whined.

"All I want to do is help you, please, just give me this much."

"If I," Bucky started slowly, "When I go under, I'm leaving you alone, again. And the thing is you are going wait for me, after all, you waited all these years. I don't want you wasting your life on me. You are such an amazing person, you should be out, experiencing life, not being chased by your friend's private army and flying me to a hidden city. I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved. I can't show you any of the love that you deserved if I'm frozen. And I have to be."

He looked over a Steve who held a poker face. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"You deserve all of the love in the world. I want you to have it, but I really hoped I could be the one to give it all to you. Just the thought of you wasting away for any reason breaks me. But you know the worst part? It's knowing that I left first, but I never really left and now the same thing is happening. I get frozen, I'll be there, but I'm not going to be there. It kills me. All I want is to hold you, all I want is to stay with you until the end of times. Is that so much to ask? I just want to give you my love. You are my love."

His voice gradually got lower and he found it hard to keep eye contact. By the time he was finished his voice was barely a whisper and when he couldn't find the words, the tears did just fine.

The sun started to come out, slowly above the clouds. It washed the inside of the jet in a honey glow. It was eery though, out of place. The homely glow shouldn't be there. It shouldn't wash them in warmth when they were about to plunge themselves in ice for the unforeseeable future.

"Bucky," Steve said quietly. "I will wait for you because I love you. I want you to be the one who smothers me with kisses and attacks me with hugs. I want to have you love me, not Sharon or anyone else and if that means waiting for you to come out of an ice coma, I'm okay with that. Okay? I love you and I will be right there when you wake up. I promise."

"I just," Bucky whispered, "want you to be safe. I want to protect you."

"Well, if you haven't noticed, I can handle myself." Steve raised his eyebrow. A fraction of a smile took to Bucky's lips. "To protect me, all you have to do is take care of yourself. That's all I want from you. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I love you, Buck."

"I love you too, Stevie."