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13: Pages

The more time I spend alone in the bedroom coloring, the more embarrassed I feel about the advances I made on Master Synn.

Surely this kind of behavior meant I was a really bad servant girl. I didn't ask him for any permission and clearly made him feel tense. Would he even still want me around after this? If I was no use to him, would he treat me the same way as he treated the man in the wagon outside?

There's no way I'm earning my freedom like this. I've probably just blown my only shot at getting his trust.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Being stuck in this crazy bedroom has me acting out in ways I never thought I would. What came over me? I'm not like those crazed women back in my village, but it sure FEELS like I am.

I've chosen the most dangerous man to get mixed feelings toward; Master Synn is the type of man with enough power to snap me in half with a wave of his hand. Magick is NOT something to be messed with and from what I've heard of Draconians, they are not quick to forgive.

And have I made him angry? I have no idea how I made him feel in that situation. All I know is that I made him feel SOMETHING, and it was enough to incite him to raise his voice and storm out of the room. He's only been good to me, but I've been provoking him. I'm signing my own death warrant.

And, still, my stupid brain won't give up on it. Half of me wants to stick to the plan and run away - to find a life where I have all the control and no one else - and the other half of me wants to know how he felt about the advances I made and wants to imagine how it would feel if Master Synn made those advances toward me...

Before I can help myself, I start imagining it in detail - and then I start drawing it in detail inside the coloring book. What does his chest look like? What about his hips? What about that area below-

The bedroom door opens and I snap the book closed.

Thankfully, Master Synn doesn't look angry, but he also hasn't brought food with him. It seems like he always comes to bring food or that drink basin, but him showing up empty-handed makes me feel worried. What does he want this time?

He sits on the bed beside me and I sit up, retreating to the furthest corner. He raises an angled eyebrow and features to the coloring book. "Have you been using it much? Do you enjoy it?"

I feel shocked. Did Master Synn visit this time just to make conversation with me? It's so out of character that it makes me wonder if he's decided to take at least some of what Fexen spoke to him about to heart.

Regardless of how surprising it is, it feels nice that he may have stopped in just to talk to me. I nod and smile. "Yes, I've been using it a lot. I really love it, thank you."

"Show me." He shifts closer on the bed, peering down at the book, and my heart freezes. There's a very... inappropriate drawing in there.

"Yes, um, definitely, Master Synn!" My voice rises in pitch as I struggle to come up with some kind of plan to remove the picture. "I just, I'm sorry...give me one moment to relieve myself!"

I lunge from the bed and run toward the bathroom, taking the book with me. Master Synn's face tightens with confusion and I quickly smile and close the door.

He probably wonders why I took a coloring book to the bathroom.

"I could have looked at it out here while you..." He lets out a long exhale.

I scurry to color over the inappropriate image of Master Synn. With my other hand, I splash some water in the washbasin to make it seem like I actually am using the bathroom.

Once a solid fill of color shrouds the lewd image, I flip the book closed and step back into the bedroom. Master Synn shifts on the bed, his lips almost twitching into a smile as he stares at the coloring book in my hand.

"Show me the pages you've been working on." He pats the bed beside him and I flush. I've never shown anyone besides my mother any of my art, and it's both embarrassing and flattering that Master Synn even wants to see it.

I quickly flip through the pages and his warm hand stops me, settling atop my hand as he looks down at my coloring. Something about the way he takes the time to look over every detail makes me feel almost...proud. Meben and my father would have never taken the time to look at anything I made like this.

But the moment spoils as Master Synn rips the pages from the coloring book.

I stare in horror at the torn out spots. Why would he do that? Does he hate them? Tears swell at the edges of my eyes as a lump gathers in my throat.

Master Synn doesn't notice; he simply stands and heads toward the door.

"You will cook for me tomorrow. Sleep well this nightfall." He closes the door behind him.

My heart feels heavy as I stare down at my coloring book. I know it shouldn't affect me this much - the fact that a complete stranger doesn't like my drawings - but for some crazy reason it does.

It matters to me that Master Synn didn't like them. It matters to me what he thinks about me. And...Master Synn just matters to me as a person. I don't even know why.

I feel bonded with him, even just by being near him for a short while. It's been so long since I had someone who wanted to take care of me, and there's something about Master Synn that makes me feel vulnerable and...makes me want desperately to be cared for.

Why am I so stupidly lonely? Why do I want to feel so attached to this man? What is wrong with me? Will I just throw my heart and body at the first man who shows me any shred of compassion? Was my life in the village that bad? Was it the trauma of being captured that makes me want it even more?

A rattled breath of air leaves my lips and I collapse onto my bed, shoving my face into my pillow. Regardless of what I may or may not want, if Master Synn had the audacity to tear up my coloring pages like he did, clearly he doesn't truly care for me.