The Dreamer's Nightmare

O

WHAT MORPHEUS ASKED still bothered me even after two days. His words haunt me every night, and I couldn’t sleep. Sa pagbukas ko ng mga mata, siya agad ang una kong hinahanap— ang kanyang presensya, ang kanyang mata, ang kanyang mga pag-aasar, lahat-lahat.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan siya aalis, at alam kong pati siya wala. Pero hangga’t hindi kami nakakahanap ng paraan, alam kong mananatili pa rin siya rito. ‘Yan na lang ang pinanghahawakan ko. I know it’s selfish of me to say na sana, matagal pa makahanap si Morpheus ng paraan. Talaga kasing. . . hindi pa ako handa sa pag-alis niya.

Over the weeks, I’ve grown closer to Morpheus, and no one can prevent that from happening. I became attached to him, at unti-unti ko nang sinasanay ang sarili ko na wala siya through conditioning myself. I imagined a lot of scenarios pero lahat ng ‘yon, iisa lang ang context— ang pag-alis ni Morpheus. I told myself a lot of times that I’ll be fine. Although, it will hurt— it will surely hurt— alam ko namang magiging okay lang ako.

Magiging okay lang ako.

Napatingin ako sa kalendaryo. Inside the huge circle was the number twelve. Bukas na pala magwa-one month si Morpheus. A small smile formed on my face as I let out a sigh, relieved. Nakaabot siya ng one month dito sa mundo namin.

“Bukas na tayo magce-celebrate! One month ka na!” natatawang saad ko. Naalala ko kasi ‘yong mga babies sa social media na every month, talagang nagce-celebrate. It’s cute. Sa amin kasi noon, yearly talaga. Sa first birthday na nagce-celebrate.

“Yeah,” he muttered beside me and kissed my cheek which made me close my eyes. His soft and warm lips pressed against my cheek for as long as I could count that when he pulled apart, they lingered like how the sun’s heat stays on our skin. 

His kiss, somehow, radiated a sense of sadness and longing, and I can’t pinpoint the reason behind those emotions. But. . . I felt them. My heart felt them, kaya ‘di maiwasan ng puso ko na makaramdam din ng lungkot. And it brought tears to my eyes. . . Mga luhang pinipilit ko na huwag pakawalan, dahil sa oras na papakawalan ko sila, I’m afraid I can’t contain my emotions.

He tucked some loose strands behind my ear at pinaharap niya ako sa kanya. There is a smile on his face, yet his eyes are glistening with tears. His stares were so tender that it struck something inside my heart. I was happy a while ago habang ino-open ang topic na magce-celebrate na kami bukas. But his kiss caused a painful chaos inside my heart. Hindi ko na maiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko.

“Why are you sad, Morpheus? Why did you pour so much emotion into that kiss?” naguguluhang saad ko. My tears are threatening to fall, but I tried my best to contain them.

He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me as he lifted both of his hands and cupped my cheeks. Ramdam ko ang kanyang pag-iingat na hawakan ako na para bang isa akong babasaging bagay na dapat ingatan. His hands on my cheeks felt light and gentle. Nakatitig lang kami sa isa’t isa.

‘Yong puso ko ay payapang tumitibok sa aking dibdib. Hindi gano’n kabilis, ngunit, wala rin sa normal na pagtibok. Sakto lang. Sakto lang upang maramdaman ko lahat ng emosyon na bumaha sa aking kabituran at tanggapin lahat ng ‘yon na walang halong pag-alinlangan.

Using his thumb, he caressed my cheeks delicately. Muntik na akong mapapikit sa kung paano niya haplusin ang aking pisngi at hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. Parang nagsusumamo ang kanyang mga mata habang nakatingin sa akin at dahan-dahan niyang pinahiran ang luha na lumabas sa aking mga mata.

Why. . . Why is he being like this? Na para bang may gusto siyang ipahiwatig ngunit wala siyang lakas na sabihin iyon? Na para bang kung ano man ang sasabihin niya ay makakapawasak sa puso naming dalawa? Na para bang. . .