Thicker Than Paper

Nauseous

Sick and dizzy. Toppsie turbsie. Up and down. I don't bend over, instead just dropping the crane in the water. It falls on its side. Makes ripples in the water, even though it's so thin and small. I kick the water, and it floats away. I puke in the bushes next to the lake.
~~~
I had very slimly made it through half the day to lunch.  It seemed like everyone was staring at the back of my head all day. And whispering. I can only imagine what they were saying. Phoenix has lost his shit. Phoenix is a complete asshole. I heard Carper was trying to stop Phoenix from hitting Andrea. Phoenix is so insecure that even another boy looking at Andrea made him go crazy. I bet Carper rejected Phoenix, so Phoenix beat him up. 

I was late to second period, walking the empty halls when Andrea stopped me. I heard heels clicking towards me, but I had hoped it was some teacher telling me to go to class. No such luck. At the sound of my name from her swirly voice, I sigh and reluctantly turn around. Behind me, in all her glory and knee-high boots, stands Andrea the unfortunate.

"Phoenix-" 

"Andrea," I cut her off before she can say anything. now that we're officially over and the whole school mostly knows why I feel free to tickle her annoyed bone a little. I see her clench her jaw. Seeing her again, it feels good to know this time there's a better chance that I won't have to taste her cherry lip gloss again.

"Phoenix this is serious," I nod along with her, scratching my head. She grits her teeth again, "Now that everyone knows we're done, I think we should set some ground rules." I almost laugh. Do all crazy exes set rules like this? I'll have to ask Ace later.

"Sure," I keep nodding and slide down the wall to sit. She scuffs at my childish action.

"Well, first, I think we should clear things up and have the same story. I've thought this through, so don't you dare change this story, okay Phoenix?" I nod, "Ok, the fight was a drunken mistake over a baseball play. I've talked about it with Carper, and he's agreed. He's already started spreading it around. Now, for you and I. We've been done for weeks now. We've only kept up this act to keep it simple, but we've been seeing other people. We were both well aware and have supported out separate relationships. " She lifts her chin, obviously satisfied with the story she's concocted.

"Sure thing," She starts to leave before I catch her, "Andrea, wait!"

"Yes, Phoenix?" She cocks an eyebrow.

"Uh, thanks. You know, forgetting Carper to agree to this story. Uh, I hope you enjoy him? No, wait, that's not how you say it-" I lower my head.

"Stop. Your welcome. And, Phoenix?" I lift my head, "I know neither of us were ever here for a real relationship. I guess you've been an ok boyfriend. Not a total put out like I would hope, but you're nice. Whatever girl you date next will be lucky to have you." And then she walks away.

I stare at her walking away, shocked by her kind words. I don't think the entire time I dated her did I hear her say such nice words. She rounds the corner and little piece of me chips away. A little part of my identity just walked away from me. A part of my life, my expectation, walked away. I lean my head against the hard tile of the hallway wall. Thanks, Andrea, what a ride it's been.

~~~

I should have listened. I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed today. I rub my forehead with my pointer fingers. My stomach flips in anticipation of the bell to ring. For lunch. For Carper. I suck in a breath and push it out hard. Again. Suck in deep, push out hard. Focus on breathing, forget about nausea. Forget the pain. You can't get sick if your breathing. Hard, breath harder. Push the sickness down. Don't get sick. You can't be sick. Not here, in class. Not in school. Not at all. They'll laugh at you. Don't throw up. Breath. More air. You need more air-