Thicker Than Paper

Out

free and intoxicating. Open and windy. A trick road that could go somewhere so good. A tricky road that could turn down an evil path. I'm almost scared to drop the paper crane in the water. What if they find out What if they hate me? I drop it anyway and turn away before I can see it drown.

~~~

It went better than expected. Only a few faggot remarks, and dildo questions. I saw more people giving me sad smiles. I guess being gay is an unfortunate thing to some people. I really didn't care. 

I told the team over the group chat like I told Ace I would. Lots of the remarks were asking if I was joking. And when I didn't answer, I think they realized the truth. Phoenix Weather, their friend, and pitcher liked dick. I suppose it was surprising because they still seemed rather shocked when I saw them at school after the break.

 T.J. later texted me separately that I was too damn nice to take their shit. And how he always suspected I was gay a little. I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a compliment. And Ace told me, over the group chat, that I 'wasn't about to catch his ass taking' me to gay bars, but that he was willing to be 'a wing-man if absolutely necessary'. That was nice, I guess.

The day after we got back from break, I ran into Travis in the locker room. I never knew he had a gym class during the same period I had weights. I figure he has a locker in the varsity locker room. It makes sense, seeing as he is a varsity basketball player. 

Ace, every year, tries to make me get a locker with him in the varsity one. I always say no, because I feel like a fraud seeing as I play no school sports. Ace tells me no one gives a damn, and to just 'grow a pair' and get a varsity locker. I don't tell him I don't like the varsity locker room because everyone in there is an uptight asshole. Him included.

But when I ran into Travis, I was in the varsity one, grabbing Ace's knee brace. The little asshole hurt his knee freshman year and still pretends to need the brace. Raving through Ace's very messy gym locker, I heard Travis.

"Phoenix?" I turn around way to fast, and my heart keeps spinning.

"Oh, you scared me," He chuckles, and I shut Aces locker.

"I heard you came out, you know, to everyone?" It was supposed to be a statement, but the hesitation in his voice makes it sound like a question.

I nod my head, switching the weight on my feet, "Yeah, it just felt right. Good. Listen, Travis, I'm so sorry. I had like two beers and a couple punches. And I was thinking about coming out, I guess I was so caught up in the moment, I...projected it on you. And I'm really sorry about that."

"Hey, Phoenix, it's okay. I get it. If I was about to come out in this town, I think I'd do some...stupid stuff." My heart sinks at stupid. But his voice seems too shaky. Like he really does understand. More than anyone else when they say they do. 

"OK, thank god. Can we be cool? Stay friends, I mean, if we were even that," Travis nods his head, and a smile slips onto my sad lips. I hate how I always smile around him. It's never really an exciting thing we talk about. But my lips always find a thing to lift them up.

~~~

"Hey, faggot!" I know it's aimed towards to me. Unless there's someone walking right behind me. I roll my eyes and keep walking towards my car.

"Hey, homo, my friends talking to you!" A new voice decideds it needs to join in this lovely one-sided conversation. 

Maybe I'm still high on Travis fumes, maybe the medication has me feeling myself. Or maybe I just don't care about things enough. I turn around. The homophobes wear target brand t-shirts and brand-spanking-new vans. I almost gag on the cliche.

"Was he? I'm sorry. Did you know about one out of ten people are part of the LGBTQ community? Based on how many people are walking in the parking lot right now," I pretend to look around and gather data, "I'd say two or three others are LGBTQ and or plus. Now they may not be out but does that really mat-"

"Shut it, faggot," I sigh and clasp my hand behind my back, "Now listen here you sick homo. You're going to hell-"

"No doubt about it," I really should shut up. But they mad part of me is getting a kick out of this. Who the fuck thinks they can talk to anyone like this?

The buffer one, the sidekick, growls and leans forward. I almost lean back, "Shut the fuck up, and I'll make this easy," Now I begin to sweat.

"Yeah, my friend and I want to teach you a quick lesson on breaking rules. Think you can be this sick and suck dick? Not gonna happen," Their cracking knuckles make my chest tight with fear, "That's just wrong in every way. God didn't make you like this, who the fuck do you think you are to go against him?"

I can recount multiple times people told me god made me like this, and that's perfect. Like when I got really bad acne seventh-grade year. My aunt told me god made me this way for a reason. 

And when my grandma found out I had depression, she said, 'that's okay. God makes everyone a special way. He's got a plan and this is just a little part of it all'.

I sure hope God made me gay. I just wish he told everyone that.

"Maybe, we just need to show him how it feels when you go against God, right Har?" 'Har' nods with his friend, and rubs his hands down his pants. Maybe he's nervous like me. Poor Har, it would suck to have a friend like he does.

"I can't do that right now. All of this is going to have to wait. My little sister has a dance recital. I'm sorry for going against God, but would God want a little girl looking into the crowd and not seeing her older brother?" They look shocked, and I seize their shock, "So please, know I really appreciate this conversation. And I will very deeply reconsider my ways, and keep your words in mind. But I've got to go. It starts in 15."

I weave between the cars, walking as fast as a casual person can. I don't hesitate to start the car and pull out immediately. This hasn't happened. No one's confronted me like this. Is this normal? Do most people when they come out have to deal with this? I sure hope not. I barely hold my stomach down until I get to my bathroom.

Then our entire conversation swirls down the toilet.