Thicker Than Paper

Public

Scary and frightening. Good or bad, no one can truly decide. Nervewrecking and had to come to terms with. But I have to. For more than just me. With a confident breath, I stare at the frozen lake. I can't drop a paper crane today. Maybe that should be a sign. 

~~~

"So, how are we going to do this?" I like his voice better in person, I've decided that.

"I don't know. What should we call this? Sorry, I mean we don't have to label this. I'm just a label guy. I like label makers too, they are just weirdly fun you kno-" Travis cuts me off.

"I love when you ramble about random shit. Especially label makers. But we happen to both be sitting in our cars, in a school parking lot, trying to decide how to walk into school."

"You're right. Of course, we need to focus," I run a hand through my hair, then push it back down, "Meet me at the cafeteria outside doors." I grab my backpack, my phone between my chin and shoulder as I slip it on.

"What? Are we just doing it? Since when are you impromptu?"

"Remember how this all started? Sometimes, when I'm nervous or feel the need to impress I freak out and become very impromptu," I slide out and slam the car door before locking it.

"What? Are you already out of your car? Wait a minute, I want to, I don't know, catch up," I hear him shut his car door, the beep of a lock, and his pant from jogging.

"Where are you parked?" I walk through the parking lot, dodging bad sophomore drivers, and large snowdrifts from the five inches of snow that fell last night. 

From a decent night on Friday to a full-blown blizzard Sunday. It's not strange, round here, the weather never like normalcy. Right now I can hear the crunch of snow under my shoes and sun on my neck.

"Baby, you're talking to a senior," I roll my eyes, hearing the smugness in his voice. Senior parking, of course. But my heart gets stopped on the 'baby'.

"Of, course, please forgive me, your highness. I silly peasant like me shouldn't be thinking you'd stoop so low as to not park in senior parking."

"It's alright, I can forgive you this time. Where are you parked?" I see him huddled by the outside cafeteria doors, one of his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt. He looked good. 

"Overflow, I don't like dealing with the traffic. I see you, so I'm hanging up, bye."

"Bye." I click my phone off, putting it in my back pocket, and waving at him.

His smile makes we think the snow is melting. That's how sunny it is. Better than a cup of coffee. He shakes his head but doesn't stop smiling.

"Morning sunshine, looking lively," After his peck on my cheek, I feel self-conscience. 

I'm wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a fresh sweatshirt. Do I really look gross? He's wearing something similar. Do I look unattractive, is he going to stop liking me?

"No, you look good," He must have seen the concern on my face, "It's just the hair. Looks like you rolled out of bed," He pulls the hand out of his pocket and fluffs it up more, "Sexy, really."

"Really, sexy? In public, at school?" I pull my eyebrows up and down, making a little dance.

"Yeah, sexy at school. A erotica by Phoenix Weather," I laugh, but he gets serious, "School starts soon, which means we have to go in, which means people are going to ask what this is, and I would like to know what this is."

I lick my lips, staring at the sun for a moment, "What do you want it to be?"

"I...Phoenix, maybe this is too soon, but to me, it feels like we've already hit quite a few bases to get to this one. So, will you be my boyfriend?" He sucks his lips in, obviously scared what I'm going to say.

What am I going to say? Should I be scared too? I stare at Travis, his baby blue eyes, and fine jawline. A couple years ago I would have never imagined kissing Travis. And here we are. Travis Dean, boyish looks, and inviting laugh. Travis Dean, shooting three-pointers and his shot.

"Yeah," It comes out sounding too casual, "Yes, I mean. I would like, really like to."

Travis grabs my face and smashes a kiss on me and a laugh bubbles in my throat. I have a boyfriend. Travis Dean is my boyfriend. I groan when he pulls away.

"Schools going to start in like three seconds. We've got to go, babe," I laugh and grab his hand. Babe. 

Babe.

~~~

"I can't believe it, Phoenix you sly dog," Ace nudges my elbow as we walk into the cafeteria.

"That's so offensive. I'm glad my friends have such faith in me," I grab a Rice Krispy and water, before paying the lunch lady. Luckily, I have money in my account.

"I mean, yeah, we all have some faith in you. But you're also you! Little baby Phoenix, doesn't step out of comfort zone. You dated Andrea the bitch for nearly two years. Yet here you are!" I can't stop my eyes from rolling, as we walk to our table, already bustling with conversation.

"Thanks. But I'm definitely a person who steps out of comfort zone. remember your favorite, vegas?" I plop down in my seat, and T.J. turns to me.

"Vegas? Why are we talking about vegas?"

"Because Ace doesn't think I ever step outside my comfort zone. But he likes to bring up Vegas all the damn time, except for when it defends me," I unwrap my Rice Krispy and Ace rolls his eyes.

"Vegas was a one-time thing. So what, you fucked a girl, so did half the team," Ace points at me like he's at an advantage.

"Did half the team fuck a guy, though?" I take a satisfactory bite of my treat, and most of the table goes quiet.

"No. Fucking. Way!"Ace slaps my back, and Charlie pounds the table, "No! Fucking! Way! Phoenix, you fucking kept this to yourself this long. Oh my god!"

Andrea quickly catches on and jumps on it, "You cheated on me with a guy! Who?"

"I mean, I'm sorry Andrea. But, you know..."I trail off, not wanting to say it.

"Yeah who was it?" Now Evan feels the need to contribute.

"Lenny? Yeah, I think Lenny. A 'L' name for sure," I realize my mistake, and the table becomes overwhelmed with laughter.

"You didn't know his name? Dude, you couldn't be more than tipsy, but you forgot his name?" Ace can barely stop laughing enough to say this.

"Does Travis know?" I didn't know Andrea may have the only voice of reason in all this.

I frown and shake my head, "Uh...no. No, he doesn't. But do you tell all your boyfriends who you've been with?" 

But after that, I can't help but feel dirty. Guilty. Travis doesn't need a boyfriend for his first time, I didn't. But does he feel like he does? Is that the only reason he asked me? To be his boyfriend so he could lose it and dump me?

I don't finish my Rice Krispy treat. I don't finish anything at all.