Thicker Than Paper

Relief

Welcoming and relaxing. Warm and comfortable. Yet. so scarce and rare. I find my self-clinging to it for as long as I can. It's winter. The water is cold on my fingertips as I drop the paper crane in the lake. I shiver as the wind pushes fiercely against the little crane, propelling it far. Fast. I don't stay long. Just long enough to feel my ears go numb.

~~~

Baseball is finished for fall. A little part of me will miss it's routine. A bigger part of me is glad I can rest. I can focus on more. With baseball being big in my city, the fall season is just like a practice season. One against another. The real play doesn't start until the spring. But that's okay.

Coach ended the fall season with his usual speech, "I won't miss any of you, because I better see your asses here in the spring! You got that?" 

Everyone cheers "Yes coach," then pat each other on the back. I don't know why they care right now. Why they act like this is goodbye. We all know we'll see each other at parties and in the spring. Most of us will see each other at school.

Baseball isn't a school sport, but it matters to the whole school. Everyone knows the rival teams each belong to a school; Red Jays to East, Blue Horns to Central, and Green Horse to South high. I guess everyone is just territorial. 

Baseballs just as important to the school as school sports like football and basketball. You wear your colors on game days and your party after a win. Maybe the whole worlds like that. Maybe it's just our town. 

Mom says she's sad baseball is done for the season. I know she wants me doing stuff to keep distracted. To be too busy to pay attention to the depression and anxiety that will forever follow me around like a little black cloud. I know she wants me to stay active, involved. So I have something to do. I know she's worried now that baseball is over I'll sit in my room and begin cutting again. I don't tell her she may be right.

I also don't tell her I feel happy. Because I'm not sure. When I think I'm happy, there's a little tornado in my stomach. Tornado sirens scream in my head; IF YOU SAY YOU ARE HAPPY, THEN IT WILL LEAVE! YOU WILL BECOME SAD AGAIN! YOU'LL BE JUST AS FUCKED UP AS BEFORE! It's always been like this when I feel good. So I never say anything. I never own up to it. I guess I would rather be empty than wrong. 

But I do feel good. I catch myself enjoying the company of my friends, wanting the company of my peers. I catch myself getting involved with more conversations. I catch myself smiling as I tell stupid jokes. No one else seems to really catch it. Maybe only I do because I know what it's in contrast to. Maybe, a little part of me says, I only notice because I don't want to be happy. I ignore that voice. For now.

~~~

"Phoenix?" I'm surprised when my name is pulled into the conversation by T.J.

"Huh?"

"What do you think? So I invite Casey to the Christmas party. As, like, a date. Or should I just wait for her to ask me if she can come?" It's a stupid question that I do not care about at all. But a little bit of me is confused on why they would care about my opinion.

"I don't know, why should I know?" I let out a harsh laugh and Ace punches my shoulder.

"Come one, P. We all know, deep down you're, like, a total softie," The boys laugh and nod their heads. My eyebrows knit in confusion.

"What? Why would you say that? What have I ever done to give you that impression?" I am genuinely shocked by this. Did the boys pay more attention then I thought?

"Dude, seriously? You're like the nicest guy we know. Andrea 'cheated' on you like every damn day and you did nothing. I can only think of like, two times in the entire time you guys dated that you cheated on her." 

"What?" Andrea sounds mad she's brought into this conversation like that. Her head snaps to Ace and me,  from her place on Carper's lap. Well, basically on his lap, "Phoenix, you hooked up with other girls while we were dating?"

Ace catches her tone before I can say something, "Uh-huh, pretty, don't you go talking like that. It ain't like you the most faithful person here."

"But...I...Who?" It aggravates me she's so shocked. 

"Um, I'm not naming names. Besides, both were out of state," I lick my lips sheepishly. I don't know why I feel bad for sleeping with other girls while I was with Andrea. Any other girl and I probably wouldn't talk to other girls. I guess I felt a mutual agreement between Andrea and I that we weren't 'exclusive'.

"Really? Where?" God, why does she care so much?

"Well, last year when we were in Vegas for baseball, our boy Phoenix ditched us to sleep with a showgirl," Ace nudges my arm, giving me a toothy grin.

I groan, "Oh my god, you idiot! I've told you, like, a thousand times it wasn't a showgirl." I also never told them who it actually was. 

"Whatever, bud, just own up to it!" And then they start talking about something else. I'm not sure why we got on this topic, but a little part of me wishes they had pushed harder. So hard, it just slipped out at the slight of tongue. I would be out. I would be free. 

I sigh and plop my head on my fist. Somewhat listening to their conversations. What would they say? If I told them all the truth about Vegas. Would they believe me? Would they make fun of me? I guess if they did, I wouldn't care. I think I'd be too happy in the moment to give a shit. 

Who am I kidding?