You're Still Way Over There: A Brallie Fanfic

Chapter 2: Dying to Reach Out for You

Callie

I should have seen this thing with Brandon and Lou coming. But I didn't. And so when I walk into the kitchen and see his hand on the small of her back exactly thirteen days after they sang Outlaws together, it feels like yet another punch to the stomach. But I force a tight smile and make some small talk about the band before excusing myself to go "check on Jude."

By the second stair, the tears are coming and by the time I fall onto my bed, its full blown, quiet sobs. And I feel ridiculous for even crying which makes me cry more. I'm the one who made the decision that we couldn't keep doing…whatever it was we were doing. I told him no, I made him feel wrong for even wanting it. I rejected him the night of the dance when he came to me basically pleading and putting his heart in my hands. I've made him answer the door when Wyatt comes to pick me up for god's sake. So it's really unreasonable that I'm sitting here sobbing because he's finally done waiting for me to change my mind.

Except that I guess I expected that he would wait for me, for us. Even though I've told him it's impossible. He's never doubted his feelings, he's always been sure that we could fight, that we could find some way to make it work. And even though I gave up on us a long time ago, realizing that he's also given up, that he's found someone that it will be easy and fun with, is the hardest part of this Callie and Brandon saga that I've been living for months now. Because this makes it feel like the real end.

A few weeks later

Brandon

For the first time in months, thing are looking up. This things with Lou is…fun. Callie and I never got to the stage where we could just be a couple who did fun things. Lou can be challenging and she's definitely a bit of a diva but compared to the past year, a high maintenance singer is a walk in the park.

And the band has gained a nice little following. We've had four local shows. Everyone has come- the Moms, Dad, the twins, Jude. Well almost everyone. Callie has always found a reason not to go- either something with Wyatt or her part-time job or homework- even though she somehow always makes it to Mariana's dance team things and Jesus's wrestling. The Moms don't push her the way they would the other kids- and I know its because they're thrilled with the way things have quietly fizzled with us and they're scared to open the Pandora's box that is Callie and Brandon.

But it hurts. This girl who loved my music more than anyone, who practically pushed me into this band will just not show up for me. She says she wanted to be real siblings, to be friends. Well she's sucking at both of those things right now. She could come with Wyatt, I'd be there with Lou- everyone's happy, right? I just really want her opinion on our songs. Because her opinion will always matter to me even if I wish it didn't.

The night she blows off the fourth show, I run into her late at night when we're both getting water after everyone has gone to sleep. She asks how it went and I surprise myself by saying, "You would know if you ever bothered to show up." She starts to choke out an apology and I tell her, "I just thought , even if we're never going to be you know together, that I meant enough to you that you would show up to here me play. You know as my friend, or…sister." God, that sounds ridiculous. Doesn't she hear how ridiculous it sounds? Calling her my sister will never feel normal. Even if the adoption goes through, even in 20 years, she will never be my sister.

I turn to leave the kitchen without looking at her again when I hear her say in a small voice, "It hurts too much. Seeing you with Lou."

She goes on, "It's bad enough running into you two here, seeing you hold her hand or kiss her in the kitchen. I can't watch you sing with her. So I'm sorry if you're pissed at me but I just can't."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. This girl who has told me that we can't be so many times, who has forced me have a front row seat to her relationship with Wyatt is upset that I've dared to move on from her, to not be miserable every single freaking day.

I've felt so many emotions since Callie Jacob came into my life but for the first time, standing in the kitchen tonight, I'm truly angry at her. "Oh you can't, that's just great, Callie" I say as my voice rises. I quiet it to avoid waking up the entire house but I get even more tense. "Do you have any idea what the past few months have been like? With you insisting that we act like brother and sister. Like that's not the most ridiculous thing either of us have ever heard. With you having Wyatt here all the time. And now you get to be upset that I'm actually trying to be happy again?"

"Brandon, I…. ," she starts.

I cut her off, "No, for once I'm getting the last word, Callie. Do you know what it's been like for me here? I know all the reasons that we can't be together, but I am — I'm a man and when we, when you and I go to our separate rooms at night, I know, I can't just turn myself into some sort of automaton with no feelings and no desires. I just — its just not possible.You know, when you — you come out of the bathroom after a shower in your towel with your hair all combed to one side and I bump into you in the hallway and I'm —pretending to be really focused on the carpet or the wall or whatever, but that's not what I'm doing. I — I'm watching you and I'm wishing I could stroke your hair. I'm trying not to, but I am.

I am a man and when you and I reach for the orange juice at the same time or you end up next to me on the couch when the moms call a meeting, and you're always so careful that we're never touching, never touching anymore, I sit there, so painfully aware of everything that you're doing, of how you breathe, of where your hands are, of the smell of your hair and it takes every ounce of my being to not want to reach out to you. I care about you. I want you. I'm dying to reach out for you.

But I…you've made it very clear that that is not what you want. That I am not what you want. And because I want to respect that, respect you Callie, I'm trying really hard to move on. So unless you've changed your mind, unless things are somehow different for us now, you don't get to be upset about this.

So that's all I have to say. Your turn."

I hear her inhale sharply. When she doesn't respond after ten seconds, I leave her in the kitchen, sitting in the exact same spot where I first saw her.