Fear of a Name

Chapter Sixty-Two: A Chat with Remus Lupin

I quickly climbed down the ladder, barely noticing what I was doing. Those things I'd seen... they couldn't be real, surely...
"How'd it go?" Harry said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "See anything?"
"Oh — uh — no..." I said distractedly. "I just made some stuff up..."

I started to walk down the spiralling stairs, lost in thought again. Who was the girl I'd seen in the crystal ball? Were both the images real? Were they even really there, or had I just imagined them? Were they going to happen? Was I going to get the Dark Mark? Was I going to kill someone?
"No," I said firmly to myself, shaking my head slightly. "I'm not getting the Dark Mark, and I'm not going to kill anyone."

Still, I couldn't help thinking that maybe those images, my Boggart, my worst fears — maybe they were just showing what my future held. Maybe I was going to get the Dark Mark, maybe I'd enjoy hurting people, maybe I was going to kill the people who really seemed to care about me. Maybe I wasn't as good as I'd hoped. Maybe I was bad. Maybe I was worse than my mother. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It was at this point I realised that I'd been walking without paying attention to where I was going, and I'd gone past Lupin's office a while ago. My mind still overwhelmingly full of questions, "maybes", and "what ifs", I turned, and started retracing my footsteps.

As I reached Lupin's office, I raised my hand and knocked three times, shaking my head to try and rid myself of the thoughts that were plaguing my mind.
"Come in!"
I opened the door and went into the office. Lupin was sat at his desk, writing something on a pile of parchment.

"Ah, Ivory," he said, looking up. "Are you alright?"
I nodded, closing the door behind me and going over to him.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "You seem like there's something worrying you."
"I'm fine, sir," I said, smiling slightly.

What if I kill him? What if I kill him and I don't even care?
I tried to force the thoughts out of my head, but they wouldn't budge. They were stuck there, repeating over and over, forcing me to listen to them, forcing me to believe those things might happen.
"You're not," he said simply. "What's wrong?"

I sighed quietly.
"I just had my Divination exam," I started. "Crystal gazing. I couldn't see anything to start with, so I made something up..." I paused for a second, trying to work out how best to phrase the next bit. "I said I could see a girl... and then I actually did see something," I muttered.
"You saw something in the crystal ball?" Lupin said, sounding a little dubious.
I nodded.

"I saw a girl lying on the floor," I said quietly. "My mother and father were there, and they were laughing... and I was there, kneeling next to the girl... and she was — she was—" I couldn't bring myself to say the last word, but I could tell he knew what it was.
He was silent for a couple of minutes as he thought about what I'd just said.

"Have you seen anything in a crystal ball before?" he finally asked.
"Not before today..." I said slowly. "But that wasn't the only thing I saw. I saw something else as well..."
"What was it?"
"It was me... but — but on my arm..." My voice trailed off, and I bit my lip anxiously. There was a short silence while I tried to make myself say it. "I had the Dark Mark."
Lupin frowned.
"Ivory, they're almost certainly not real," he said. "It's more likely you imagined them, especially after the Boggart earlier."
I nodded slightly, but I didn't really believe him. I knew what I'd seen, and I was sure I hadn't imagined either of them.

"Speaking of the Boggart, I'd like to talk to you about it, if that's alright?"
"Sure," I muttered.
"Ok, I'm going to get straight to the point here," he said. "Can you remember who your Boggart had?"
"Hermione, Ron, Harry, Ginny... uh... and you," I mumbled, looking down at the desk.
"And that was everyone, was it?"
What does he mean, "that was everyo—" ohhhhhhh Merlin no, this is bad.
I'd finally realised what he was wanting to ask about the Boggart: why Sirius was part of it.
"Well, no, there was me as well," I said quietly.
Lupin sighed.

"Ivory, you know what I mean."
"And it maybe had Sirius as well," I muttered.
"Yes. Care to explain why?" he said, his voice a little harsher now, and understandably so. He still thought Sirius was responsible for telling my father where to find James, Lily, and Harry.
This was going to take some explaining.

"It's complicated," I said, hoping this would suffice.
"I've got the rest of the day to hear it," Lupin said.
I sighed. Evidently he wasn't just going to give this up... not unless..."
I suddenly had an idea. Maybe if I were to distract him, he'd forget about the Boggart. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.

"I can tell you, but I'll need to use the Marauder's Map to help explain," I said confidently.
Lupin raised an eyebrow.
"And how's that going to help?"
"You'll see," I said simply.
He sighed, then pulled the Marauder's Map out of one of the draws of his desk. I smiled slightly and took out my wand.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I said, tapping the apparently empty parchment with the tip of my wand.

As soon as the map had fully revealed itself, I started flicking through it until I found the three people I wanted to check on: Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Trouble seemed to follow them wherever they went, so they were my best bet.
"They've gone down to Hagrid's, look, that can't be—" I started to say, but suddenly I noticed something.

Or rather, someone.

"What the hell is Pettigrew doing here?!" I asked nobody in particular. "I thought he was pretending to be dead again, the filthy rat!"
"Pettigrew? Peter Pettigrew?" Lupin said, snatching up the map and looking at it. "No, it can't be, it's impossible! Peter died, Sirius killed him!"
Well that worked out... but seriously, what's he doing here?!