Eliuteria

Chapter 10

"Is everything alright, Lena?"

I peeked one eye open to look at Analiese. Faking a stomach virus had been easy enough. I was unable to hold down food and was so anxious over what I'd gotten myself into that my skin was looking sickly pale. It wasn't a stretch for anyone to believe I was unwell. Veetrala Faedra, disgusted by human illness, sent me to the infirmary without question and I'd received orders to remain in the bed for the rest of the day. I'd been able to successfully avoid Mia who was kept busy all day, but it was harder to avoid Analiese who shared a room with me.

No. Everything was not alright.

"Just under the weather."

She sat on the edge of my bed, wrinkles forming across her forehead as her brow furrowed. Analiese dithered for a few quiet moments while trying to decide if she wanted to speak or not. Hoping she would take the hint I closed my eyes again.

"You don't like me very much."

Sighing, I pushed myself up into a sitting position and twisted to face her. "I don't know you," I told her. "I don't understand you."

The truth was, she wasn't cut out for this place. She was too trusting, too naive and people like that didn't last here. I knew she was already worn down from being constantly assigned some of the least desirable chores we tended to. I hadn't paid enough attention to know if she was truly clumsy and deserving of it or if she had become a scapegoat for the mistakes of the other girls. What I was doing for Ro had preoccupied all my attention, and I'd barely given Analiese a second thought.

"I was told not to take it personally," she said in a way that made it clear she had taken it personally, "that you didn't really like anyone here."

I chuckled at that. It wasn't that I didn't like them, I just didn't see the point in forming attachments with all of them. I knew how this worked. I knew the games that were played so I kept to myself. And I had Mia. All I needed was one person to call a friend, one who I could trust. The rest didn't matter.

"I like them all fine," I explained honestly. "But I don't trust them. They are not people I share secrets with, because I have seen those wielded as weapons just as powerful as any sword." I paused. "I haven't looked out for you as much as I should have. I'm sorry, Analiese. I've been distracted, and I'll do better. I'll do what I can to make sure you stay safe here, but I can't be the friend you're looking for."

It was especially true now that I was under the watchful eyes of the zashar. I knew well enough to know that if I disappointed him, he would not lose sleep over taking that out on someone I cared for. I needed to distance myself from Mia as well, at least where anyone might see.

I scooted up on the bed until my back rested against the wall and I met the younger girl's eyes. They were so wide and innocent. The way she spoke about the Morri she knew, the kindness still in her... She was all the proof anyone needed to know that rumors of Morrí and humans living more civilly with one another out of the city were true. I hadn't wanted to see it before, hadn't wanted to believe that any of them could be less and cruel. Things changed.

"What would you do?" I asked. "If I... oh, I don't know, if I stole food and it was discovered?"

She tilted her head to one side, her eyebrows pulling together in confusion.

"Lena, have you?"

"No." I shook my head, irritated. "My point is if I were about to be whipped for stealing food you wouldn't step in to save me. And you shouldn't. You keep your head down here, that's how you survive. You don't get to know anyone close enough that you would jump in front of a whip for them. There are girls here who will take advantage of you, befriend you, and earn your trust so that they have someone to take the fall for them. Don't be that person. You can't sacrifice yourself here for someone you love, all you can do is make sure you're both killed."