SELF-LOVE ↯ NAMJIN

seventeen » s a c r i f i c e s

[kim namjoon pov.]

»namjoon.« the tired voice of my mother occurred from the kitchen as i was about to go to my room after i came home from school.

i spun around with widened eyes. »mom!« i exclaimed and ran into her arms. i didn't get to see her a lot these days, for obvious reasons.

she smiled, but it seemed pressured. there were deep bags under her beautiful brown eyes, and she was skinnier than ever. i didn't want to cry in front of her, thinking it would make me seem weak, but i was bawling internally.

it made me remember the old days, when we as a family, dad, mom, and i, would go to vacations together. we would visit my grandparents on jeju island, or spent one or two days in busan. it were the happiest moments in my whole life.

i didn't need to worry back then, and i just wanted to go back to these times, the times when i was a happy child.

»are you doing well? do i need to worry about you?« my mother asked, afraid of more heavy weights that she had to carry on her shoulders.

right then, i promised myself to do well. in school. in life. i didn't like seeing her in that state at all, so vulnerable i thought she would break down with every touch.

»i'm doing okay mom. i promise, i will be a good son, i promise you, there's no need to worry about me. one day, one day.. i will give you all your sacrifices back.« i mumbled the last part, but she understood, and i felt warm tears stain my shirt.

»actually, i have something to tell you.« i suddenly said. my mother pulled back and looked worriedly into my eyes. i smiled reassuringly and gestured her to sit down.

and on a thursday afternoon in our little kitchen, my mom tearing up and smiling at the same time, i told her about me being gay, how i came to realise and accept it. after i finished, she warmly pulled me into a hug.

»i'm proud of you namjoon. i will always support you, no matter what decisions you make, all that counts is that you are happy. dad, too. he will feel the same thing. but, let me know, do you have a boyfriend?« i blushed.

»y-yes. his name is seokjin.« i looked in my mother's eyes and they seemed to shine for the first time in months. »oh namjoon, that's beautiful. do you have a picture? or can i meet him?« »sure! i'll call him, but i don't know if he's busy.« i replied and went to get my phone.

»hello? namjoon?« seokjin answered the phone call and i instantly smiled. »hey! do you have time right now? my mother wants to meet you.« i said and heard a little gasp from the other side.

»you finally told her? sure, i'll be there in ten minutes, i was only playing video games anyways.« »okay, see you!« »see you!« i ended the phone call and went back to the kitchen. »he'll be here in ten minutes.« i informed my mother and sat down.

»now, you have to tell me how your life is going right now. i know that you're stressed a lot lately, but talking about it may help you relieve some stress.« she smiled, but her eyes darkened.

»well, first of all, my work is getting more and more every day. i feel like there's one email after another, i can't grasp a single thought from the amount of information that keeps flooding in the whole time. secondly, i really can't with my colleagues.. they're complaining about every single thing, yet they should be happy about having a job, you know?« i nodded and rubbed her back soothingly.

»it's okay mom. don't overwork yourself, you're doing great. i hope your colleagues get some sense soon, because you really don't deserve this kind of treatment. i love you.« she smiled warmly.

we sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, but then the doorbell rang. i shot up from my chair and opened the door, hugging seokjin hurriedly. he chuckled and hugged me back.

»someone couldn't wait?« he mockingly asked but i just shook my head and seokjin gave me a quick kiss. i grabbed his arm and pulled him with me into the kitchen, where my mother was waiting.

as soon as she saw seokjin, her eyes lit up and she stood up quickly, embracing seokjin in a tight hug. slightly overwhelmed, he hugged her back lightly and smiled. »you're such a handsome boy! i'm so happy that namjoon found someone like you. please take good care of him, okay? he needs someone strong.« my mother said and i groaned.

»mom.. stop, you're being embarrassing.« she just laughed and sat down, seokjin and i following. »how old are you? you could be an actor!« my mother exclaimed as she stared at seokjin. »oh, um, i'm not much older than namjoon, only a few months, and i'm definitely terrible at acting, but thank you i guess.« he said and blushed.

i facepalmed and interrupted the awkward situation. »is it okay if seokjin and i go to my room? i have to tell him something.« »yes, but behave!« i blushed and carried seokjin with me, he just giggled and shook his head.

in my room we sat down and just stared at each other in silence. »you know you could really work as an actor. or an idol.« his cheeks reddened.

»and you could finally agree to perform your amazing songs at the talent show next week.« i shook my head. »i can't sing.« »but chanyoung does.« i looked up at him with shimmery eyes, grasping the idea he had, and smiled.

»okay.«

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now this is where the good stuff starts uwu
- CHONS