Passion for Perfection | Open Novella Contest 2019

2. Acceptance of Fate

After years of drilling it into my mind, I learned to accept it. It became second nature to me. I was nothing without success. It became normal and I received outstanding results. My self worth was determined by my grades. I dedicated all of my school and university years studying in my bedroom. Nothing else mattered; nothing else was worth my time. I learned to expect the best from myself, not allowing myself to drop below an A grade.

It was only after I started my first real job that reality finally kicked in. Other people didn't have this pressure. Other people went out partying and hung out with friends. I didn't have any friends, so it came as a shock when a coworker came up to me one day and asked me on a date.

It was a morning like any other. I went through my usual routine as soon as I left my apartment: got the bus to city centre, popped into the corner street café to buy myself a latte and walked the rest of the way to the office building. As soon as I walked through the doors, I was bombarded just like every other morning.

"Ms McCormick, you have a meeting at noon today with the Board."

"Yes, I know."

"Excuse me, I have the application forms you asked for last week. I'm sorry I couldn't get them earlier but—"

"Just leave them on my desk."

"I have this project I would like to pitch to the Director, I would be grateful if you could arrange a time for me—"

"Come find me in an hour."

When I finally made it up the lift and to my small office, I shut the door and sighed. There was nothing like having your own personal space to work in. My desk stood opposite the door, with files and papers neatly arranged into piles on one side and a closed laptop sitting perfectly parallel to the edge of the desk on the other side.

I set my handbag beside the desk, placed my biodegradable cup of coffee beside the papers and sat down. Running through my head was a list of all the things I had to get done today. I spent a few moments sitting in silence and organising the tasks in order of priority in my head. Then I opened my laptop and got to work.

A few hours flew by and the next time I looked at the clock it read 11:52. It was still morning and I had two reports already completed and sent away. My moment of joy was brief as I realised I had a meeting in ten minutes.

I cursed and grabbed a folder from my desk. I had already prepared the notes yesterday so at least that saved some time. I quickly walked out of the room and headed for the lift. As I watched it rise to meet me, my inner voice scolded me for not paying attention to the clock. It said that my lack of attention would be the death of me. I agree.

As I finally got to the floor I needed I speed-walked out of the lift and accidentally bumped into someone.

"Oh I'm so sorry, I'm in a big rush!" I said hurriedly as the person nearly dropped their file.

"Hey, it's no problem!" It was Chris, one of the minor office workers in the marketing department. We worked quite closely sometimes when I was doing paperwork for them. "What's the hurry?"

"I'm going to be late for a meeting." I glanced at the clock. Four minutes left. "Look, Chris, I'd love to stay and chat but this is kind of a big deal, alright?"

He laughed. "How about we have a chat after work, eh?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, maybe a restaurant or café?" He grinned hopefully. A full precious minute passed by as I stared at him. "Like you know... a date?"

I stood in stunned silence.

For some reason, I accepted and then spent the rest of the day pacing with worry. I couldn't focus at the meeting — to which I arrived on time, surprisingly— and spent the entire half-hour scribbling maybe half a page of notes. I didn't contribute or speak out at all. Afterwards, I went back to my reports but I couldn't focus on those either. It was the first time I didn't finish what I was doing at work and had to bring it home to complete it. I stared at the laptop screen blankly for hours, trying to focus on the document I was writing but I couldn't.

I had a date. I've barely had so much as a good friend and now I had a date. How was I supposed to act? What were the standards? The expectations? A dress code? With these thoughts crowding my mind it took me ten times as long to finish the report and I didn't get to sleep until long past midnight.

***

As I very soon realised, I didn't need to worry so much. The date at the café went smoothly and as a result, it was shortly followed by another one the following weekend. And thus started my first relationship which began blossoming like a flower in spring. It was a ray of hope in my monotonous grey life and I was very thankful for its existence.

Chris was a sweet guy. He took care of me when I spent long hours working and came home exhausted. When I let him move in, he made me dinner even when I didn't ask him to. I couldn't imagine a better boyfriend, to be honest, however, I barely got any time to spend with him. I was constantly at meetings with managers and workers or I was working late shifts at the office. He noticed.

One grey rainy night, I came home soaked and ready to snuggle into bed. I cursed English weather under my breath as I shoved my apartment keys into the door and let myself in.

I knew something was off as soon as I walked through that door. Chris was usually in the kitchen doing something when I came home, whether it was food or just a cup of tea. That day, there was silence.

"Jane, we need to talk." He said as he appeared in front of me. I jumped and glanced at the clock. It was 8 pm.

"Ok," I said calmly but my heart was racing. His tone was serious. Was he breaking up with me? Was I not good enough? Did I bore him? Did he have enough of me already? We'd been dating for six months now and I had hoped it would last a bit longer.

I sat down at my dining table and he started making us some coffee. I glanced around the room nervously and watched as he turned on the coffee machine. His blond hair was getting too long and it was starting to flop into his eyes — those blue eyes that looked past my flaws and saw the real me. I studied every part of him — every curve and every angle — just in case this would be the last time I see him. What if he really wants to break up? The thought made my jaw clench and I bit the inside of my cheek and drew blood by accident. The metallic taste filled my mouth and brought bad memories to mind. I pushed them aside for now.

Chris sat down opposite me and set the mugs of coffee on the table. I sipped my latte cautiously.

"Jane," He sighed, trying to form words. The way he said my name made my heart clench. "I've noticed that you seem to prioritise... other things... over me and our relationship." He looked down at his coffee. I wanted to explain myself but I could see he wasn't finished. "You're always busy, even when you don't have to be! When was the last time we went to the cinema? Or grabbed dinner at a restaurant? You always have an excuse. You need to finish this, do that, meet this person but what about us?" His eyes bore into mine and I couldn't avert my gaze. "What about our relationship Jane?"

I opened my mouth to speak but burst into tears instead. He noticed. I thought I could hide my behaviour, pretend it's nothing but I couldn't get away with it. Not when I could tell he saw right through me.

I expected him to look down at me patronisingly, but instead, he walked around and hugged me tightly, making me tense in surprise.

"I'm sorry." He muttered. "I'm just worried about you... and our relationship."

It took me a while to calm down but when I did, Chris walked me over to the sofa in the living room and sat down beside me. Then he urged me to speak.

How was I supposed to say this? I tried different sentences in my head but they all sounded as pathetic as last, so I decided to just go with it. I glanced over at Chris and saw him looking expectingly at me.

"I..." my mouth tried to form words. "I can't help it," I said quietly. He didn't reply, wanting me to carry on so I took a deep breath. "I literally can't help it. I can't stand the thought of not giving my everything into my work. I have to be on top, I have to be the best! I can't afford to drop my performance level even a little bit!" I started tearing up again. "It's like an addiction or a phobia. I'm nothing without my success." I sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'll understand if you want to leave me." My heart broke at those words but it was what I expected to happen. Which is why I was surprised when I was enveloped in a hug once again.

"We'll work through it." He assured me and my heart warmed again. "Just try giving your everything into our relationship instead." I nodded.

I wish it was as simple as that.