Passion for Perfection | Open Novella Contest 2019

10. A Decision of Life and Death

"You want a what?!" Ethan stopped what he was doing and turned around to face me. In one hand he held a neatly folded and ironed shirt and in the other, he held his bag of toiletries.

He was getting ready to leave for a flight to Eastern Europe—for a month-long conference event at which he was supposed to give a speech. He had been talking about it for the longest time and I knew how much it meant to him. It wasn't fair that I was having this conversation with him as he was about to leave, but I knew I couldn't put it off much longer. The thoughts have been eating away at me for over a week now and I had to get them out.

"I want an abortion, Ethan!" I said sternly. "I can't have this baby!"

"Why not? We've been married for over a year now, do you not think we should start a family?" He dumped the shirt and bag back into his suitcase. "I thought you wanted kids?"

"I know," I sighed as I remembered our premarital conversations. We both knew it was important to establish what we wanted from our marriage before we actually went ahead with it, and one of those things was children. "But not this early! I'm still trying to get a promotion! I can't just leave for a year to look after a baby."

"You'll be back there soon enough." He insisted as he slammed the suitcase shut and zipped it up. "It's not the end of the world."

"Soon enough?! It'll be years before I could go back to work! You can't leave a child alone at home!"

"Then we'll get a babysitter, for Christ's sake! It's not that bloody difficult!" He started to raise his voice a bit and I wondered if I should let it go for now.

This is important.

"The babysitter isn't going to look after the kid all day every day. What about the evenings? What about all those sleepless nights of the baby just crying every goddamn five minutes for no reason?!" My voice climbed in pitch as I got more hysterical with every passing second. "I can't live like that Ethan! Maybe when the right time comes, but not now!"

Ethan set the suitcase down beside the door and pulled on a coat. When he spoke, his tone was back to normal. He seemed tired.

"The right time will never come." He stated, gently putting his hands on my shoulders and looking me straight in the eyes. "With some things you just have to take a risk." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and left the apartment without another word.

***

I stood outside the clinic, hugging myself against the cold wind. Autumn was still many weeks away but it seemed to want to make an early appearance this year. The building in front of me was small and stout and yet seemed to loom over me like the grim reaper looms over a hospital. With a deep breath and a mental kick from Mel, I stepped through the glass doors.

The smell of disinfectant stung my nose as I walked to the front desk and signed in. As I sat in one of the numerous uncomfortable chairs in the waiting areas, I noticed the numerous posters on the wall opposite me. One which caught my eye read "We will adopt your Baby!" and showed a picture of a baby boy sleeping peacefully. Another said "Safe Abortions: Same day, Pain-free" and had a telephone number written underneath. I cast my gaze down at my feet and didn't look up again until my name was called by Doctor Mitchell. I walked into his office and sat down in the chair on one side of the desk.

"Good morning Mrs Whittaker." The doctor greeted me and I smiled. I enjoyed hearing my new surname spoken by other people. It reminded me that I was different now and the past was behind me.

"Hello," I replied and shifted uncomfortably in my seat. This conversation was about to get serious.

"So let's talk about your pregnancy, shall we?" He asked and I nodded in reply. "How far into the pregnancy are you?"

"I'm not exactly sure. Maybe three or four weeks." I guessed, trying to count the weeks in my head. Either way, it had been much longer than I cared for.

"And how are you feeling today?" Mitchell scribbled down something on a page.

"Stressed. But I'm in good physical health, I think." I started to bite the inside of my cheek nervously. I tried not to draw blood this time.

"Ok." He finished scribbling down the ineligible sentence and looked up at me. "So tell me, what are your reasons for wanting a termination of the pregnancy?"

"It wasn't planned. I don't think I'm ready for a child yet." I said simply. "With my current job, I don't have time to be a mother."

"Of course. However, there are alternatives that are available to you." He opened a drawer and pulled out a brochure for me to look at. "You can always give the child up for adoption or foster care. I'm sure there are many couples who can't have a child that would happily take in your baby."

I had obviously thought about that option. However, that would still mean I'd have to finish the pregnancy. I'd have to deal with it for the next three quarters of a year.

"No." I shook my head. "I don't want to finish the pregnancy. It would be too cumbersome to do my job with a baby in me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Doctor. I'm sure."

"Ok." He didn't press any further and instead, we started discussing the details of the abortion.

Within the next fifteen minutes, I had an appointment in the abortion clinic for the week after next and was scheduled for a small exam tomorrow morning. I thanked the doctor and left the office with some weight on my shoulders.

As I headed home, Mel wouldn't stop arguing with one of my newly discovered head-mates. Jesse was a fifteen-year-old boy who seemed to have strong opinions on almost every topic imaginable. Despite him wanting the best for all of us, his tactics weren't always the most efficient.

We can't let her get rid of the baby!, Mel was practically shouting, It is a living being!

Aye, but what're you gonna do about work huh?, Jesse argues back, They'll kick us out, I'm sure.

How can you say that!, Mel's voice was giving me a headache, They can't fire us for having a child! It's natural!

"Shut up! Both of you!" I hissed at them. I think I must have been too loud coz the lady walking past me looked up with a strange expression. I ducked my head and hid my face behind a curtain of hair, speeding up my pace to get home as quick as possible.

***

The weeks flew by faster than I wanted them to. I was still torn between two decisions and I wasn't ready to commit to one. Unfortunately, Jesse seemed determined to get it over with because when I came to my senses I was already outside the abortion clinic, ten minutes before my appointment. I stepped back in surprise and nearly fell off the footpath. I looked at the ugly building and wrinkled my nose. A woman walked out with a solemn expression, followed by a man who was probably her husband. He put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a sympathetic hug. I looked back at the doors in disgust. I remember that the atmosphere of the place reminded of that at a funeral home, which I guess wasn't very far fetched.

I stood there gazing at the building, a blissful silence in my head. I was the only one conscious at that moment. None of my head-mates was watching. No one was there to advise me or to beg me to do one or the other. It was my decision and mine only.

So I turned around and walked in the opposite direction.